I don't want it to be THAT time.

The worst thing about life is death...I really don't do well with it. I know that it has to happen eventually. I mean...our hearts only have so many ticks in them...our bodies can only go as long as they can go. We break down. We shrink in size and width, our skin loses its elasticity, our bones lose calcium and become brittle...we age, and sometimes our bodies age further along than our mind. But again, that is life...it's the way it goes...the way it always has. Some of us have millions of ticks of the heart....others will have billions, I guess. (I just pulled out my trusty calculator...there are 525,600 minutes in 1 year. On average the human heart beats 60 times a minute. That would be 31,536,000 beats in one year. Wowzas!) With that knowledge...man our hearts sure work hard considering it beats that much and then we put stress and sadness and smoke and drink and no exercise and whatever...wow. I sure am glad I don't smoke anymore...yikes. But I am a very emotional and sensitive person...maybe it makes my heart stronger...yeah, that is what I am going with.

Anyhow...this ain't about me. Actually, it is about me...it is about the emotional torture that I am going through right now. I am just so sad right now, and my heart, although beating quite strong is breaking. My best friend is in the final stages of her life...my sweet angel is in her last days. Being the amazing and strong spirit that she is, she just keeps walking around like nothing is the matter. The pace is slower, but the brightness is all still there. The smiles and laughter and playfulness are still there. The constant need for something tasty to eat and water to lap up after enjoying some sunshine and heat are the same as they have always been. But she has this football sized tumour on her ribs...and it is just the beginning of the end for my sweet little Maggie May. Oh man...I am bawling like a baby right now as I type these words that I don't even want to believe as true. I have known that this day is coming since the first day she walked into our lives...coming over to get out of the rain and chill, sit by a nice fire. Back then I thought maybe she'd die sooner than later. So we just gave her so much love and attention. (and roasted chicken) Before she even lived with us I would take her everywhere with me. I would be taking a trip over to the big island...Maggie would be walking the side of the road all alone. I'd open the back door of the car..."Come on in Maggie...wanna go for a car ride?" (this is when she could still hear.) We became the best of friends in a matter of hours I feel. We both needed and wanted company at the same time...so we were together as much as we could be. She would usually give me a look like, "I am sorry to take up your time, I will go home now...my parents might be home." And if they weren't, back she'd come. Oh how I loved to watch her strolling up our driveway. I'd walk out and stand on my stoop and call to her...she'd come running over. Oh man...it's amazing all of the memories that flood over me...the different faces I see of hers. She has the cutest expressions...always. She is the most amazing, loving, sweet, kind, gentle, compassionate and giving animal that I have ever known...and so strong and independent to boot. Oh Maggie...you are such a treasure. 

She just has brought such joy into our lives over the past four years. I feel like she has been in my life for her whole life...19 years she is. Oh my. I sure wish she had been in my life that whole time. But, I am so blessed that she came into our lives when she did. We gave her the best retirement years a dog could ever have. We brought her to Tofino for a weekend, Victoria a few times, Vancouver a few times...best trip ever was our drive out to Manitoba and home. Maggie got to see our homeland...in thew middle of a heat wave...she hated it! lol (You can read about Maggie's adventures across Canada HERE.) I know that we did the very best that we could to make her life super special. I see that in the way she looks at me with those big brown sparkly eyes of hers. She loves me just as much as I love her...this I know without a doubt. It's just so tough...as most everyone knows. You may be thinking of a dog or cat or horse or rabbit or hamster or even goldfish that you gave your heart to too. That love is so amazing. It's unconditional and I think that is why it is so very powerful. They love us like a truly loving mother does. It's deep. Deep as a coal mine. :O) (from a Sam Robert's tune) 

After speaking with a wonderful, fabulous, compassionate and amazing woman here, Regina, who is a homeopath, Maggie is now on a nice regime of comfort. She is not in pain, but the cancer is growing fast. We figure she must have cracked a rib stumbling up the stairs...that is what caused the tumour to appear out of thin air. (Friday we were at the beach...running and playing. I have video of Maggie. no sign of lumpy tumour. Friday late night, after Clint touched her belly and she winced...we saw the lump.) We were away from home on Friday evening...lovely boat ride. This is probably when the accident happened. :( Her bones are full of cancer and so when it cracked...the poison spilled out of the bone causing a large, hard bump. She could not lie down to sleep. Paced all night long until we could get on a ferry Saturday morning and take her to the vet. Where the vet wouldn't say it was for sure cancer without charging us $400 for tests...even though once confirmed there is nothing to do because of her age. She suggested we put her down. See ya! We took Maggie home after an injection of pain killer that gave her rest finally. In the truck ride home I thought she was taking her last breaths on my lap. She completely turned around within 36 hours. We have been to the beach every day...as usual...we just soak up each moment with full breath and appreciation for the time that we are having. She doesn't run on the beach anymore...but she trots and still loves getting going. I just want to make her feel as happy as she could possibly be so that she can fall asleep with sweet dreams and go home to the light. That is my dream...I don't want to make the "decision". I know she will tell me when she is ready though. She is the best communicator ever. Oh Maggie. I love.

Anyways...I need to go cuddle with her sweet face right now. I hear her moving around upstairs. I think I will hear her always. xox

Easy Tiger...

I find that it is way harder to take it easy than I would have thought, a mere 8 years ago. I mean...who doesn't like to just sit and laze in the sunshine with a cool breeze...sit on the grass and pull the freshness into your olfactories...enjoy a little cat nap on a rainy afternoon. These all sound like lovely moments to enjoy in a day. I have been known to take part in these types of activities...of course. But even when I know I ought to spend an entire day doing so...my mind just will not allow me to. This brain of mine likes to repeat such things as..."you NEED to get on top of the laundry that has been piling up"..."you NEED to vacuum the floors, those animals are hairy!"..."you NEED to get to the bathrooms, keep 'em clean sistah"..."you NEED to water and tidy your plants and flowers"...you NEED to fold that clean laundry"..."you NEED to do something...you CAN'T just be lazy!!!" And these are the statements I NEED to stop my brain from telling me. I do NEED in fact to get to doing these things, as do most people in the world do, of course...but I also NEED to take care of myself, as should everyone else in the world too. ;o) I have to find a way to get these things done so they don't pile up on me. Once it piles up I am a motionless sloth with a full shot of anxiety with a paranoid chaser. All i need to do is a little each day...that is what I say. Yet, I still end up feeling like I am just not doing enough...like I am falling behind on the things that NEED to get done, including taking care of myself physically. This is my challenge...has been for quite some time now. You think I'd have it licked...but I don't. My pride always gets in my way. Still thinking to myself that I can do it all...it's just housework...easy peasy. Well, on an arm that has been through the ringer and taken a beating for a lifetime (and still has a lifetime to keep on), activities of daily living can be grueling and really hard on me. Meh.

Perhaps I need to make myself a chore schedule. Like the one we had on our fridge growing up. The stuff we HAD to do on Saturdays. I was the duster...everything wood in the home was dusted by "yours truly" every Saturday. We had lots of wood in the home...my Opi was a carpenter...wood is beautiful. ;o) Pretty easy schedule, even though I thought it was a big job. (Andy had to vacuum the entire house) Anyhow, perhaps if I made myself a chore schedule...a small job to do each day...I would stay on top of it and there would be less for Clint to have to take care of when he gets home from work. Yes! My job today is to finish this blog and then create my chore schedule...plus water my plants. (my tomatoes will whither if they don't get their water.) ;o)

Life is about finding the perfect balance between all that is in it...career, relationships, health, home and fun times. I think that it may take a lifetime to find the right way to handle it all...that is part of the joy of getting old I guess. So, therefore, aging is a VERY rewarding process...bring it on! But...go easy tiger! ;o)

A collage of 12:12's in the past two weeks. Freaking out over spiders on my deck, enjoying the sun shining through one of my "peace"ful Tammy Hudgeon glass pieces, sitting on the couch staring into what is in front of me ;o), Larry still in bed at 12:12!! (he is catching up on 3 years of sleep), mmmmmmm tomatoes on my deck, tide didn't wash away the rock man last night, dusting off my typewriter with Tammy glass in the paper feed (perfect display!), monkey sitting on the deck enjoying his last moments of his body (head soon to be cut off to make pyjama sack), mmmmmmmosss!!!!

Almost time to get to the beach! Happy sunshiney day to you! :o)