Happiness is...

"A Thumb and a Blanket." Hee hee...well that is what Linus from the Peanuts would say. We had a bath towel that had his image with those words on it growing up. It was my favourite towel to use after a long bath...must've been used by me and my siblings thousands of times. It became one of those towels that had been used and loved so much it was nearly see through...yet still kept up its drying power. ;o) Last time I saw the towel...there was only a piece of it. It had been cut up in about 6 pieces to make cleaning cloths for around the house. Kind of made me sad seeing a 'piece' of memory shredded and dirty and used up sitting on top of a pile of old rags in the garage at my parents home. The nice part about that whole scenario was that it WAS there...that piece of old towel was still around. It had been moved with them from Manitoba down to Texas 10 years ago...meaning, my mom might also have my affliction of holding memories in an inanimate object. I like how a piece of furniture, or a knick knack can send you back in time...make you think back to a happy moment in life that can make you smile, give you joy and peace in your heart. An overall warmth over the body, soul and heart...lovely. To me, that is a whole lot what life is about. The moments of bliss, of peace, of happiness and hilarity. To be able to look back and feel good about a time in your life is a wonderful thing...it's that feeling we need to keep with us so that the moments we are in are amazing enough that it will be a good memory one day too.

My birthday is fast approaching...this is an obvious time for looking back and remembering life, the good and bad times all come flooding when you are searching back. But I focus on the good...for the bad times had their purpose and lessons have already been learned, so no need to dwell on unhappiness or negativity. To age is a wonderful thing...I am not worried or sad that I am almost 40. It doesn't scare me or make me feel "too old". It makes me feel excited. I can't even fathom the new experiences I still have yet to have...life has so much to offer. Each day is pretty awesome no matter what you are doing...going to work, staying at home, traveling, running errands, sick in bed...whatevs, it is what it is and you got to just enjoy it or take care of the moment so it can be enjoyed to whatever extent that may be. Every breath is a gift.

The excited part about my birthday this year is the date...the numbers. 12/12/12 That is insanely cool to me...would be cooler if it were my 12th birthday. (somebody will turn twelve that day...lucky devil!) ;o) So...I am pretty stoked about this year. I am not planning any big party or anything. It just is going to be a magical day because it just is...and I ain't much for my own party. But something that will cause much excitement and joy and magic is what I actually might be doing that day...if it works out. My friend Lisa has asked me to photograph the birth of her first child! What? For real? Ohhhh yeah!!! I may just get to witness the birth of life on my birthday...that would be the most bestest gift in my lifetime. ;o) The baby is due on the 13th...so you never know! I am just so blessed to have been asked to join such an intimate and emotional journey with my friend, her boyfriend and the family that will be there. I know it will be one of those life changing moments...a memory that forever will bring happiness to my soul. I just feel so lucky to be welcomed to such an event. I may never get the chance to have it as a personal experience for myself...so to have the opportunity to be there with someone that I love and care for so deeply will be the very next best thing. Happiness is life...that is something I need to everyday remind myself of, and keep on smiling. ;o)

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All right...I am behind the times in my "Project 12:12". I have been a recluse for the last 5 weeks...taking care of myself. Plus, the last 2 weeks our truck has been dead...that makes it way easy to be a recluse! lol All of my time has been at home...just doing regular life. You know...eating, sleeping, walking the dogs, watching TV and movies, staring out the window, trying to help keep the house clean and of course taking pictures. hee hee. So here are my 12:12 moments from October 20-Nov 18th (today!)...nothing too exciting...but thew music is! ;o) 24 days left til 12/12/12...let the excitement begin! 
(photo disclaimer: visually, my life may not look too exciting...given most of my time is at home. But I am still enjoying staring out at the sea, watching tug boats, enjoying my daisies that are still alive in November, loving my animals, watching some good old movies, having a friend visit, going for walks and of course taking long hot baths...I just simply, love life.)

Today is a bleak blustery day...it might be yet another watch the boob tube kind of day. I am still giving this arm rest...well, except for this blog typing...ouch! I got to start vlogging now! lol Peace out party people in da house!! xox

It's that day again...

The one day out of the year that we are reminded of all the men and women who gave their lives for freedom of people, freedom of speech and freedom to live. 

I am definitely not a supporter of war by any means...I just don't like fighting. (did enough of it as a kid!) I feel things could be done so differently. But that is me being an optimist...believing that everyone just wants peace. But it ain't the case unfortunately. There are some people out there who are just wanting to make a fight...they love the drama of it. Like as if life is some Hollywood movie production and it has to be as gory and mean and shocking as possible. It is so sad to me and I'm sure billions of others too.

Anyhow...today is not the day for me to spew my opinions of war. Today is the day...the one day out of 365 that we NEED to take a moment and be grateful for the soldiers who fought for us to be free. Our Grand Fathers and Grand Mothers...Great ones too. A lot of them died so that we could live. And thankful too for the soldiers who are fighting now...those who have given their lives in my lifetime. You are brave. Thank you. I will always remember.

Peace and love to everyone today and always. xox

Thank God for the sun today!

Man oh man...does the sunshine ever make such a huge difference to the way I feel physically. But more importantly, how I feel mentally and emotionally. The sunshine lifts my spirits and brightens my soul...I feel the warmth of the sun penetrate me fully...and I LOVE it! What a reprieve from the rain and chill we have been enduring. And just think...it's only just begun! lol I am just always so grateful for these sunny breaks that we do get during the bleak months. It really does lift the clouds away. Everyone is in a better mood when the sun is shining. 

Today I decided to take full advantage of the sunshine and take the dogs for a walk in the neighbourhood...I needed to get the mail anyways. ;o) I also felt the urge to be creative and informative...using both sides of the brain! hee hee. I have seen a few videos on YouTube with the titles reading something like..."How to make a peanut butter sandwich with one arm", and others. The people making these videos have two arms but one is tied to their side or under their shirt. They fumble around the kitchen or hallway or bench where they are trying to their shoe with only using one arm. So...how can it be a "How To" video. Well...they at least are good attempts at trying to do something differently than what you know or are comfortable with. These videos made me want to show how easy these tasks really can be with only using one arm. When everything you do is with one arm it is as normal as using two. ;o)

Anyhow...I made a video today...that was me being creative. And it is a "How To" video...that was me being informative. You can see the video HERE! Peace out!

Oh woe is me...there, I said it.

I love life...I really do. I am generally an extremely happy and positive person. I am one of those 'glass half full' kind of peeps...yes, some people find us types annoying! lol I really don't see the harm in trying to find the happy in everything. For our happiness comes from how we choose to see things...how we read the messages in each moment. We can see it as a bad thing or find the positive aspect in whatever has just happened. That is how I try to be...and at times it is a struggle. So I find that I will have those moments where I feel like I have had enough...frustration creeps in and I am just done with it. See ya...keeping myself holed up in the house and I ain't coming out. I would like to think that even the happiest man alive...Mr. Lama...you know, the Dalai...I'd like to think that he too has a day that just blows. (I mean...he is human) Especially because he is a big man on campus that is kept up to date with everything going on in the world...and there is a lot of crap going on. (big reason I do not watch the news...it's a sad and hateful world some times) He must just be like "WTF people!! If y'all just saw the good in things, forgave your neighbours, loved your neighbours, helped those in need, let go of greed for $$ and power, smell the freakin' roses...wake up!" He might just scream that from the inner depths of the temple...I would if I had all that negative input thrust into my brain. 

I am presently at the bottom of my glass...trying hard to keep my head above that water at the half way mark. I've been here before, but managed to keep my head high. My neck is too sore to keep it up...I am swallowing too much of that water. I like to say that life is like the weather...you wake up to a sunny/happy day...you wake up to a calm/bright day...you wake up to a gray/depressing day. I try hard to keep sunny in the gray days by still enjoying the waking hours that I do have. Lately, the weather has really crept right up inside of me. The rain that I hear falling onto the metal roof and rushing down the gutters is felt in every inch of my body. I can feel the cold drops penetrate into each pore and seep inside my strained muscles, tendons and joints. I lie in a tub filled with hot water hour after hour in hopes of warming my vessels and overused everything underneath my flesh. I have spent the last 13 days in the "cave" propping myself up with pillows, wearing my heated neck and shoulder pad watching endless hours of crappy day time tv...all in the hopes of giving enough rest to my lovely arm. The only arm that I was given that has helped me do absolutely everything in my life up to this moment. The arm that I abused trying to be as strong as everyone else around me. Always trying to prove myself by being the independent Pami on the outside whilst unintentionally damaging myself on the inside. Ugh...what a bummer. Oh to go back now and change...how many times has that been said by us humans? Hindsight is always 20/20!! lol

I can not change what I did in my past...nor really would I want to. Even with all the pain that I am in now. Past is past...I learned from things I did or didn't do. I ended up being quite an impressive specimen...like a He-Man or something. I could lift things some of the boys couldn't. hee hee. Not that it makes any difference in life at all...but it still brings a smile to my face. (I also could beat many a boy in an arm wrestle back in the day)

I guess really what I am finding so over the top frustrating right now is a list of things...
- why would the only arm I was ever given stop working on me? (sick joke!)
- why am I still suffering after 2 weeks of resting said arm?
- why do painkillers do nothing when pain is no intense?
- why is there no one around that can help me? (dr's, therapists etc)
- what did I do to deserve such suffering?
Yup...that is the "I feel so sorry for myself" Pami talking. When the going gets too tough for me to handle, i ball up. i hermit. I try to not see anyone so that I don't have to explain why i am being so lazy. I am NOT a lazy person. I enjoy being active and social and being a part of stuff going on. I like to make things happen that are fun for everyone. But I feel that is all changing. This suffering has just gone on too long and it has brought me to a level that my brain just can't handle anymore. I need someone to look at me and figure out what can be done. Dr's just say nothing...take it easy...take pain killers...get massage...get acupuncture...use heat...use cold...rest. I've done it all. What more can I do? There has to be someone. Dr. House...SAVE ME!!! ha ha ha ha!

All right. I have to stop this typing. Been keeping off my computer to also aid in the process of rest to my arm. But like, so boooooring!! I need a sunny day...at least I need to feel sunny. Send my woes away.

Felt good to vent...peace! xox

Dear Diary...

Man...I am so ready for the fall/winter hibernation ritual that I have grown accustomed to...and enjoy quite a lot. The past 4 months have just flown by at rapid speed. Like those days at work when you have a ton of tasks to get done...you don't take breaks so that you can get it all done...before you know it, the work day is done. Wheeee! That is how my summer was...busy, busy, busy...now it's nearly November. We spent this past weekend on the other side of the Country...Niagara on the Lake, Ontario. What a beautiful time to be there...the amazing colours of the trees flowing into one another on the massive hills that plunge down into the rushing lake water...the same water that shoots over the Niagara Falls. I really do miss the vibrancy that fall can display. There are some trees out here that turn flourescent red or yellow...but in patches...it is still so incredibly green right now. In fact...I would venture to say that the world here is greener in fall/winter than it is in summer. Having the short but very sweet opportunity to be in the centre of all that beauty made me incredibly nostalgic for home. It was the warmth of those colours accompanied by having just had my parents stay with us for 5 fun and love filled days and then spending the weekend in Ontario with Clint's brothers and their families. The first daughter got married...it was a very special wedding. Just having all of the family time that was so positive and fun and loving...I get homesick. Family really is and always has felt like the number one important constant in my life. Who are we with out our family? I feel sadness in my heart for people who don't have the family unit that we all so deserve. I cringe when I hear friends say they "hate" their parents/mother/father/family. It makes me want to fix it...like as if I can say something to heal all wounds that brought them there. But I do believe strongly that everything can heal. When there is love...there is peace...even if you got to dig real deep getting cuts all along the way. In the end all that blood shed and heartache will be worth it. The intense love for my family and need/want to be nearer to them all can be so overwhelming to me. Like my heart is never at total rest when we are not together. Having my parents here made my heart feel so good. I have gotten so used to saying good-bye to them though...and that breaks my heart. It had been since Christmas that I last spent time with them. I just love them like crazy...and like I keep realizing...time goes by so fast. Life is pretty busy...so days slip by without notice at times. I don't want to look back and feel that I have lost precious time with precious people...I don't think anyone wants that regret. Well, I guess I just got to say...thank goodness for Skype!! ;op

55 days until 12/12/2012...12:12 even...oh my oh my! It will be my second champagne birthday in my lifetime. I am not turning 12 again...but it is my special day...and I am going to have a fun day. I can't wait! (I have no clue what I am doing..i might just spend the day chillaxing at home and the beach around a big fire.) Here's the past 18 days at 12:12...starting off October 1st on Clint's birthday to our regular routine, getting set up for studio tour, having my parents for the week to celebrate Thanksgiving and dad's b-day and then heading out to beautiful Niagara and hanging with Clint's family...it's been a good time. ;o) Now time to crawl into my cave and hibernate for a while...is that the water running? Bath time! hee hee

Time is Ticking Away!

Ha ha...whenever I say that or hear that I totally go back to being a teenager and listening to my DC Talk tape. "Tiiiiiime is ticking...it's ticking away...it's tick tick ticking away." Here's a link to the song I loved so much! hee hee.

I can't even believe it is October...time just goes by so fast. So much has happened in the past month. I had to go to Vancouver twice for Dr's appts, Maggie almost died (I have no idea how she is still kicking it today...she is giving us more TIME!), we have been prepping for Clint being in the 16th Annual Thanksgiving Studio Tour and getting ready for my parents to visit. Phew! Busy lives...good lives...we are alive...yippeeee!!! ;o) Despite the busy times...we always manage to have some fun in the sun (or rain) and enjoy life. I haven't taken much time to sit down and write. I have been vidding a lot more though...hee hee hee. Too many videos on my YouTube channel! lol It is what life is about...busy lives but making sure we take the time to enjoy that very life that was given to us.

Found that I had a sweet little thing called a movie maker on my computer...with that I have been having muchos fun! So I made a little vid of the last of my September days. Maybe October will be just that too...stay tuned! ;o)

 

All righty...now get out there and have the TIME of your life!! Peace out party people of the world! xox

I don't want it to be THAT time.

The worst thing about life is death...I really don't do well with it. I know that it has to happen eventually. I mean...our hearts only have so many ticks in them...our bodies can only go as long as they can go. We break down. We shrink in size and width, our skin loses its elasticity, our bones lose calcium and become brittle...we age, and sometimes our bodies age further along than our mind. But again, that is life...it's the way it goes...the way it always has. Some of us have millions of ticks of the heart....others will have billions, I guess. (I just pulled out my trusty calculator...there are 525,600 minutes in 1 year. On average the human heart beats 60 times a minute. That would be 31,536,000 beats in one year. Wowzas!) With that knowledge...man our hearts sure work hard considering it beats that much and then we put stress and sadness and smoke and drink and no exercise and whatever...wow. I sure am glad I don't smoke anymore...yikes. But I am a very emotional and sensitive person...maybe it makes my heart stronger...yeah, that is what I am going with.

Anyhow...this ain't about me. Actually, it is about me...it is about the emotional torture that I am going through right now. I am just so sad right now, and my heart, although beating quite strong is breaking. My best friend is in the final stages of her life...my sweet angel is in her last days. Being the amazing and strong spirit that she is, she just keeps walking around like nothing is the matter. The pace is slower, but the brightness is all still there. The smiles and laughter and playfulness are still there. The constant need for something tasty to eat and water to lap up after enjoying some sunshine and heat are the same as they have always been. But she has this football sized tumour on her ribs...and it is just the beginning of the end for my sweet little Maggie May. Oh man...I am bawling like a baby right now as I type these words that I don't even want to believe as true. I have known that this day is coming since the first day she walked into our lives...coming over to get out of the rain and chill, sit by a nice fire. Back then I thought maybe she'd die sooner than later. So we just gave her so much love and attention. (and roasted chicken) Before she even lived with us I would take her everywhere with me. I would be taking a trip over to the big island...Maggie would be walking the side of the road all alone. I'd open the back door of the car..."Come on in Maggie...wanna go for a car ride?" (this is when she could still hear.) We became the best of friends in a matter of hours I feel. We both needed and wanted company at the same time...so we were together as much as we could be. She would usually give me a look like, "I am sorry to take up your time, I will go home now...my parents might be home." And if they weren't, back she'd come. Oh how I loved to watch her strolling up our driveway. I'd walk out and stand on my stoop and call to her...she'd come running over. Oh man...it's amazing all of the memories that flood over me...the different faces I see of hers. She has the cutest expressions...always. She is the most amazing, loving, sweet, kind, gentle, compassionate and giving animal that I have ever known...and so strong and independent to boot. Oh Maggie...you are such a treasure. 

She just has brought such joy into our lives over the past four years. I feel like she has been in my life for her whole life...19 years she is. Oh my. I sure wish she had been in my life that whole time. But, I am so blessed that she came into our lives when she did. We gave her the best retirement years a dog could ever have. We brought her to Tofino for a weekend, Victoria a few times, Vancouver a few times...best trip ever was our drive out to Manitoba and home. Maggie got to see our homeland...in thew middle of a heat wave...she hated it! lol (You can read about Maggie's adventures across Canada HERE.) I know that we did the very best that we could to make her life super special. I see that in the way she looks at me with those big brown sparkly eyes of hers. She loves me just as much as I love her...this I know without a doubt. It's just so tough...as most everyone knows. You may be thinking of a dog or cat or horse or rabbit or hamster or even goldfish that you gave your heart to too. That love is so amazing. It's unconditional and I think that is why it is so very powerful. They love us like a truly loving mother does. It's deep. Deep as a coal mine. :O) (from a Sam Robert's tune) 

After speaking with a wonderful, fabulous, compassionate and amazing woman here, Regina, who is a homeopath, Maggie is now on a nice regime of comfort. She is not in pain, but the cancer is growing fast. We figure she must have cracked a rib stumbling up the stairs...that is what caused the tumour to appear out of thin air. (Friday we were at the beach...running and playing. I have video of Maggie. no sign of lumpy tumour. Friday late night, after Clint touched her belly and she winced...we saw the lump.) We were away from home on Friday evening...lovely boat ride. This is probably when the accident happened. :( Her bones are full of cancer and so when it cracked...the poison spilled out of the bone causing a large, hard bump. She could not lie down to sleep. Paced all night long until we could get on a ferry Saturday morning and take her to the vet. Where the vet wouldn't say it was for sure cancer without charging us $400 for tests...even though once confirmed there is nothing to do because of her age. She suggested we put her down. See ya! We took Maggie home after an injection of pain killer that gave her rest finally. In the truck ride home I thought she was taking her last breaths on my lap. She completely turned around within 36 hours. We have been to the beach every day...as usual...we just soak up each moment with full breath and appreciation for the time that we are having. She doesn't run on the beach anymore...but she trots and still loves getting going. I just want to make her feel as happy as she could possibly be so that she can fall asleep with sweet dreams and go home to the light. That is my dream...I don't want to make the "decision". I know she will tell me when she is ready though. She is the best communicator ever. Oh Maggie. I love.

Anyways...I need to go cuddle with her sweet face right now. I hear her moving around upstairs. I think I will hear her always. xox

Easy Tiger...

I find that it is way harder to take it easy than I would have thought, a mere 8 years ago. I mean...who doesn't like to just sit and laze in the sunshine with a cool breeze...sit on the grass and pull the freshness into your olfactories...enjoy a little cat nap on a rainy afternoon. These all sound like lovely moments to enjoy in a day. I have been known to take part in these types of activities...of course. But even when I know I ought to spend an entire day doing so...my mind just will not allow me to. This brain of mine likes to repeat such things as..."you NEED to get on top of the laundry that has been piling up"..."you NEED to vacuum the floors, those animals are hairy!"..."you NEED to get to the bathrooms, keep 'em clean sistah"..."you NEED to water and tidy your plants and flowers"...you NEED to fold that clean laundry"..."you NEED to do something...you CAN'T just be lazy!!!" And these are the statements I NEED to stop my brain from telling me. I do NEED in fact to get to doing these things, as do most people in the world do, of course...but I also NEED to take care of myself, as should everyone else in the world too. ;o) I have to find a way to get these things done so they don't pile up on me. Once it piles up I am a motionless sloth with a full shot of anxiety with a paranoid chaser. All i need to do is a little each day...that is what I say. Yet, I still end up feeling like I am just not doing enough...like I am falling behind on the things that NEED to get done, including taking care of myself physically. This is my challenge...has been for quite some time now. You think I'd have it licked...but I don't. My pride always gets in my way. Still thinking to myself that I can do it all...it's just housework...easy peasy. Well, on an arm that has been through the ringer and taken a beating for a lifetime (and still has a lifetime to keep on), activities of daily living can be grueling and really hard on me. Meh.

Perhaps I need to make myself a chore schedule. Like the one we had on our fridge growing up. The stuff we HAD to do on Saturdays. I was the duster...everything wood in the home was dusted by "yours truly" every Saturday. We had lots of wood in the home...my Opi was a carpenter...wood is beautiful. ;o) Pretty easy schedule, even though I thought it was a big job. (Andy had to vacuum the entire house) Anyhow, perhaps if I made myself a chore schedule...a small job to do each day...I would stay on top of it and there would be less for Clint to have to take care of when he gets home from work. Yes! My job today is to finish this blog and then create my chore schedule...plus water my plants. (my tomatoes will whither if they don't get their water.) ;o)

Life is about finding the perfect balance between all that is in it...career, relationships, health, home and fun times. I think that it may take a lifetime to find the right way to handle it all...that is part of the joy of getting old I guess. So, therefore, aging is a VERY rewarding process...bring it on! But...go easy tiger! ;o)

A collage of 12:12's in the past two weeks. Freaking out over spiders on my deck, enjoying the sun shining through one of my "peace"ful Tammy Hudgeon glass pieces, sitting on the couch staring into what is in front of me ;o), Larry still in bed at 12:12!! (he is catching up on 3 years of sleep), mmmmmmm tomatoes on my deck, tide didn't wash away the rock man last night, dusting off my typewriter with Tammy glass in the paper feed (perfect display!), monkey sitting on the deck enjoying his last moments of his body (head soon to be cut off to make pyjama sack), mmmmmmmosss!!!!

Almost time to get to the beach! Happy sunshiney day to you! :o)