Just a sec...I need my wine...

All righty then...let the typing begin. It's December 30. I don't even know what to think at this moment. I know we are supposed to sit back during this time and reflect on the year we just survived. I know some people will have had the most fabulous year ever so far in their life. Maybe they just landed their first ever "real job" and have been getting a regular paycheck and feeling the freedom of major financial woes as they were previously used to. And that can make for a good year. I also know there are some people who experienced a whole other type of year...begging on the street for money just to be able to find a cheap snack or if they are lucky, a hot meal for the day. Maybe even if it is just a warm six pack of beer. We judge the homeless for drinking...but in reality drinking keeps them warm and tricks their body into thinking that they don't need sustenance to keep on going. They do what they can to survive. And of course there are those people who just cruise through year by year not hating it or loving the year past...they don't pay attention to anything. Every day is the same...what's the difference anyways right?? I don't know if that is a good way or bad way to be...just on the fence and complacent with all the goings on in life. Where's the thrill, the excitement...the chaos? These are life things too...it's okay for it not to be perfect...it NEVER will be! That's the beauty of it...makes it completely interesting.

My life this past year. I can say it was the biggest and scariest roller coaster I have ever been on. And I have been to most of the major Theme Parks in North America...I LOVE the big rides. I have only ever puked once! ;op Between facing personal demons and major life struggles...relationship hardships...financial woes...feeling overjoyed with happiness for the love I actually do have in my life when I take the time to see it all surrounding me. All of these things and more made for a tumultuous year. But through it all I have learned so very much. And I think...I believe that I am a better woman at the end of this year than I was at the beginning. So good-bye to you 2010. I had high hopes for you thinking everything would be rosy and rainbowy and happy days always. It was year of the Tiger...my year. I was 35...sounds like a great number. But being pathetic to myself in the past caught up with me this past year. It's time to have self respect...and I think I actually have it now. I have taught myself to love and respect myself...I am important and worth it. We all are. We really need to love ourselves more and feel happy within because we are GOOD PEOPLE.

I welcome you 2011...bring it on! Cheers to a rocking New Year! Peace out!!

I just can't hold it in...I REALLY love Christmas.

Oh, do I ever. It truly is my favourite holiday of all time ever in my history of holidays that I do celebrate.Of course as a kid you are anxiety ridden over thoughts of what is going to be under the tree. I will confess to enjoying Christmas for the presents...we were pretty spoiled with gifts I have to admit. There always were a lot of presents under the tree for our family. And every year there was that one "special" gift that you had wished and waited for. For some reason...the one gift that stands out the most to me now is my Cabbage Patch Doll I got in grade 5.Oh man...that was a great night. (we opened up presents on Christmas Eve after church service...traditional German Christmas.) I remember seeing 2 of those funny shaped I know exactly what's in that box, box!! One was addressed to me, the other to Stephanie. We screamed and tore open those boxes. Mine was Agnes Jeanette born on September 1st...she had brown shoulder length hair that was held in pig tails that were also tied at the bottom...she wore a purple baby doll knit top with purple knit bloomers and there was a little ducky on the top. She was FABULOUS! I still have her...pack rat...who me?! The dress she has on is one that I wore when I was a wee little baby. I think my mom said I wore it once. You know...babies grow so fast...or maybe I just grew way super fast and went through a million cute little dresses before I was 1! I do have a box that has a lot of cute little knit dresses from when I was so cute and teeny...along with a bunch of my stuffed animals too. Ha ha...Clint thinks it is a little insane of me. I love that I have kept it all.
I believe that Steph still has her Marianne ____ who had red hair tied in braided pigtails...she wore a yellow jersey dress with a pink heart and light pink leotards. I do not remember her birthday. ;op I just recall that Christmas as the most exciting gift opening...a Cabbage Patch Doll was something I really truly felt I needed so bad. I don't remember ever wanting a TOY that bad before. But I also liked getting new pj's and undies and patterned socks...those I always knew I needed and loved getting them.

Even though I had always been a fan of the whole gift exchange program during Christmas of which I always pretended I wasn't in a rush to get home from Church, have delicious kaffee und kuchen, read the Christmas Story and then...Bonanza...Let's open presents!!! I loved that our family would be together with our cousins and grandparents. We would have a wonderful big meal with all of the fixings while sitting around the tables (kids & adult) laughing and chatting and just enjoying being in the presence of the people we love and cherish most...family. Then of course after all has been said and done, everyone with full bellies and reminiscing about the lovely evening we all just shared together we would play with our new toys and what not and have fun til the wee hours of the night. That is what I love about Christmas. Good food, good people, good laughs, fun times and lots and lots of love. To me Christmas is family & LOVE.

This Christmas it was just Clint and I. I was so looking forward to a quiet Christmas with just the two of us. I also was feeling sadness over not being with my family...I haven't seen my nieces and nephews since last Christmas and they grow so fast. But...this Christmas was heavenly. Clint cooked me an amazing and huge Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve. We ate turkey leftovers until today! Perfect! We just stuffed our bellies then enjoyed some wine and just sitting in the living room chatting. I decided I wanted to give him the few things I picked up for him. Multi-purpose saw thingy majiggy tool that he is over the moon about and some chocolates and a book...I had also bought him a beautiful New Zealand wool sweater that I gave him last month! ;o) Things that he needs. He made me a few things that pretty much melted my soul. He painted a portrait of me a few years back...to surprise me he constructed a fabulous wooden frame with denim and leather and studs and daisies...I love it!! And then he made me an art piece...reclaimed wood surrounding a glass block that is painted with transparent red...it has metal daisy studs on it, tin and sea boat wood and rope...it's so incredible. It is our hearts together forever...inseparable. See...soul melting. I love my husband...and he loves me...sweet! :o) I now need to find the perfect spot for it to hang and for us to enjoy looking at and thinking about our love for another. Those were the thoughts I went to bed with...love. We slept in til 10:30 Christmas day and had a super lazy relaxing day of drinking Bailey's in our coffee with mimosa's and yummy eggs and toast...taking an afternoon nap and then watching movies. Special Christmas day for us.

Well...I love Christmas. I am sad it is over. New Years is about to roll by...thank goodness! 2010 was an exhausting year for me. I did a lot of soul searching and mind figuring outing and just things to better myself as a human being and wife. I have made some major mistakes in my life...and I used this past year to actually take the time and learn a lesson from them. Taking responsibility can be very hard! But I'm glad I did it...and it's still a work in progress. ;o)

Peace out...

L&PL

No...it's not what you're thinking...it is NOT the name of a railroad company...ha ha! It stands for Lazy & Procrastinating Lady...meaning me! :op I sometimes feel like I am one of the laziest people around. Perhaps in the whole universe of lazy people...I may just be nominated as the queen. Or at least this is a perspective that I take at times. I really am not lazy. I keep a clean home...I go walking...I garden when I have the strength, or not...I try and do as much as I possibly can. The thing is, I want to do so much more. I just can not. Boo. But, that is okay. We can't always get what we want, right Mick?? And that doesn't have to make me feel bad about myself and feel that I am a lazy and pathetic fool that gets nothing done...ever! I am not pathetic nor lazy. I just take my time and get things done as they should be. And that is good enough. Why do we put ourselves down so much? We all do it...why?? If I just had more self confidence...I could RULE THE WORLD...errrr...I mean my world. :o) Feeling good about who you are and what you do and all that jazz is an incredible thing...not shallow. Self confidence is a pure and wonderful virtue. Feeling good about ourselves will do nothing but make us happier and those around us also feel happy and hopefully then see what is so amazing about themselves too. I know it's been said a million times before by a million or more people. But it's something that I think we all need to also figure out and understand ourselves. Just like being 22 and thinking you know everything about life and think you are so mature and beyond most others because..."oh my gosh, I have like totally been out of high school for 4 years. I am soooooo mature. Full on adult...legal in EVERY country!" I felt that way back then. Now...looking back I can see what a fool I was...not a fool, I just didn't know any better because I hadn't lived long enough. I am still learning. One day I will look back at being 36 and think..."oh man...what a silly girl I was back in 2010. So immature...I have learned so much in the last 20 years. Thanks God for the aging process." At least that is a sentiment I do share with my older self. I do enjoy getting older...and wiser. ;o)

L&PL...I was feeling lazy because I started this blog so that I would continue keeping a journal. I feel a journal is such a soul enriching "hobby". It's good to get stuff out of our heads sometimes. Even if it is just meaningless chatter...it's still good. I stopped writing in my journal about 8 years ago. Writing gives my fingers/wrist and elbow incredible pain. Nice eh? Another thing I love to do and can not...dammit! Anyhow...typing is not good for me wither but it doesn't take as long. And backspacing is a lot quicker than erasing or white outing and waiting for the "paint" to dry. I used to be able to type 40 wpm...yes, I did. Had to take a test and everything once. Pretty good for a one armed girl! ;o) Don't know if I type that fast anymore...I take it easy. But I will always relish in the knowledge that I did type 40 wpm at one point in my life. That is equivalent to someone typing 80 wpm...which is supahfast speed. So...I am proud of me for what I used to be able to type. Hee hee. See, I am trying to be more self confident...even in the things that may not be anymore. :o)

Time for bed...got a nice fire roaring and the house is warm. That makes me happy.

All right...rant on...

Why thank you...I think I will. ;op

T'is the season for an over abundance of radio and TV commercials advising you of exactly what your loved ones want for Christmas. But, of course some random marketing executive in New York or LA has that knowledge to tell me where to go and buy that perfect gift for my husband or wife or daughter or son or mother or father or Oma or Opi or friend or WHOEVER! Because... how would little ol' me...who has only grown up with these lovely people and gotten to know them on a personal basis...how would I even come close to coming up with the perfect gift. (Not that a gift NEEDS to even be bought of course.) I especially love the commercials when they "trap" a consumer who already has their perfect gift that was so amazing to get...but tell them that it is the lamest gift EVER. You know what I'm talking about. "Ma'am...what are you doing in the board game section?? Get out of there!! Don't you know there is a reason they are called 'BOOOORED' games?" Why get a game that allows for your family to get together and enjoy laughter and conversation and getting closer to one another when you can bring home a computer or video game. Sit in front of the idiot box and don't even look at or talk to one another! That sounds like a great idea. Who would even want to know their children as a human being? That is ludicrous...that is so 1950's! When your child or husband or wife or who ever is the vid game lover in your family has their face glued to the TV set for hours and hours...you have the freedom to do whatever you want. This is how the media makes it sound so good to us. You don't even need to have a real relationship with anyone in your family anymore. Like that is supposed to be a good thing. It's just how the world seems to be these days. And because everyone is doing the same thing, we shouldn't feel bad about not caring for or spending time with those we love. Oh sure..."my wife sits on the couch beside me while I play hours of Grand Theft Audi'crappio. So we ARE together...that's spending time...right?" WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would fill the whole rest of a long paragraph with more exclamation marks if it wouldn't look redundant...or childish. I just feel like super strongly about this whole deal that is going on in the lives of humankind. They even make phones that can open up a series of apps on your screen and work faster so that while you are out with your children at the park you can still fart around on your telephone AND internet while you are sort of paying attention to the kids that are so very desperately wanting only YOU to for REAL pay attention to them. This way of life only creates silence in the home...silence in your life. Soon enough you will text or call your parents/spouse/kids/friends when they are sitting in the chair right next to you. Maybe humans will lose the ability to use their vocal chords. Soon we will be like robots...mechanical voices...deadpan stares...hard like steel on the inside, but still with that old time human feel. Not that you would even ever touch someone...oh my! No...we won't even have that. You send your boyfriend xxoo's to his cel phone that is now actually part of his face. To make babies...ha...you don't make love with your spouse...ewwwww! You get your eggs and sperm extracted from your body by a computer...and it only takes 1 1/2 minutes! And then your baby is then incubated in a special "womb-like" substance filled aquarium. So, now, as a mother to be you can get back to your special "second life" game...pretend you are a human! That would be so fun...imagining what it would be like to have a real voice to call your friend up and chat for hours...or hug your child with your arms...maybe even a soft and loving kiss on their forehead so that they can honestly FEEL the love.

Living on an island where we don't even have one traffic light...life is sweet and slow. It's a life where we can still feel the rush of the city life as we all must work, go see the Dr or dentist, drive to get the groceries and everything else that everyone else in the world does. I just feel a nicer pace here...just slowed down so that we enjoy all the tasks we have to do and then even more enjoy the things we love to do. Like walking down to the beach through the forest...meeting your friends for a Sunday Caesar at Silva Bay Bar & Grill and enjoying the beautiful scenery of sailboats and little islands and ocean with mountains way in the background...planting and growing veggies and flowers in the garden...painting or deco-paging or sewing or reading or whatever the heck makes you FEEL good. We can make life a rush if we choose to...just like city dwellers can take it easy if they really want to. I know there are lots of peeps out there that do take time and enjoy...start converting or something. Maybe the media should focus more on celebrating family life and outdoor life and liking life for what it offers. Breathe in the sweet air...I suggest doing this in a park far away from car exhaust. Smell the air...smell the roses...go for a bike ride with someone...take a nice walk with the kids and start exploring the life that lives in nature. Make at least every other night the night that you spend time with those you love...NOT watching TV (which lately I admit to wasting hours upon hours in front of my very own idiot box...but I also take long walks and try and be a little creative every day.)...conversating. Talking and laughing and maybe if you can convince your husband who hates playing board games, actually physically can not stand it and has a hard time enjoying a frustrating little game...like scrabble, which I love...you can enjoy each other. And I feel that deep down inside Clint loves scrabble too! lol I don't know...I just think family is so important. And by family I mean the ones closest to you. The ones you live with...even if you are just room mates. You share a space...and if you are sharing that space and actually enjoy one another's company...well, I feel that too is family. All of a sudden I feel as though I am rambling...ha ha ha!!! I think it's time to stop this madness...it should stay in my head!

Just enjoy life.
p.s. it's a family of mushrooms...they always stick together. ;o)

Le mois de Decembre c'est tres busy...n'est pas?

No matter if we love or hate Christmas...we are incredibly busy because of it. And it's not only because we have been taught...by social media...throughout the last century, that Christmas is about getting the people we love the "perfect" gift. Some of us even start in July & August to find these items. As much as I think that the advance purchases are smart and practical...saving time for other stuff in December...I have never been one to see it as a necessity to start the hunt early. Although...there has been the odd occasion where I am out and about and find the most perfect gift for a friend or family member. And it may be anytime after Christmas and the next...but I have kept it until I could give it as a gift. A little weird I do have to say. Why isn't any day a perfect day for giving someone I love a gift?? Cause truly...that is NOT what Christmas is all about. But that is a WHOLE other debate that I could just sink my teeth right into! ha ha! But still, December generally is a month busy with that of scurrying about in the malls and studios buying those we cherish a present for under the tree. Or...better yet...taking the time to make something special for the ones we love.

December...the month of staff Christmas parties. They literally will start the very first weekend in the month...like we aren't already anxious that Christmas is almost already here! If you are single you go to one every December...as a couple you generally hit two parties. This will inevitably take up two of your precious weekends. On top of the staff party, we have the festive season house parties. "It's almost here guys...let's have a pre-Christmas party!!" There will be at the VERY least one of those parties...thank goodness they are fun times. :o) If you have children...you have the school Christmas pageant which, again, is at least one pageant per season...maybe two, depending on the number and age of the children you have. Last but not least, we have our family dinner parties during the actual days of Christmas...misfit Christmas dinner parties too. (A misfit Christmas for those that do not know is a gathering of those who are not with their actual family for the holidays. But instead, spend Christmas with their other family...their precious friends.) These take place usually between the 24th-27th. Some times we go to two dinners in one day...complete and utter madness...but it happens. And I can't forget that my birthday...along with millions of others is in December. So we will also have to celebrate a birthday or two in the month. I just turned 36! Yeah!

Christmas cards and tree trimming. When I am feeling like a super keener, I write my Christmas cards during the evening of November 30th...then I mail them out the very next day. I am sure there are many other who practice this same ritual...and actually are able to do it every year this way. Not me. But still, Christmas card mailing out takes time. I would guesstimate 1 1/2 hours...and that is sending out 25 cards. That's what I do. Some people send out many more...I can't imagine the patience you need to have to endure more than 1 1/2 hours of writing out nice messages, writing out the addresses, licking the envelopes, sticking on your address label and the stamp. So monotonous. Yet, I love to do it...and so do other people. Anyhow, it's an evening. Same with trimming the tree. Either hauling the tree out of the closet and setting it up...making the branches look perfect. Or going out and picking out that perfect shaped and beautifully scented tree to take home and put up. Tree trimming is quite a process. It requires untangling of little lights and garlands...sipping on some wine and/or brandy in tea and/or Bailey's in coffee or hot chocolate mmmmm...or Kahlua...twirling the lights and garland onto the tree...finding the ornaments and creating your perfectly decorated tree...let's not forget placing the angel or star or moon snail tree (Frank & Jodie) topper. Trimming the tree is another full evening chore. But one of the important chores...the "chore" that actually makes you feel like it's Christmas and gives you that happy feeling inside. That feeling you used to get as a child when Christmas was soon to come. At least I was excited always. Our family gathering are always very special during Christmas.

That's what I love most about Christmas...getting together with my family and celebrating the holidays. Laughing and talking and eating delicious foods and showing each other how much we love each other and how special we are to one another and how we miss being together throughout the rest of the year. This year, Clint and I have decided to stay home and have our own family Christmas. Him and I. We ARE family. :o) We also, fortunately, are surrounded by many friends we love so dearly and will spend time with all of them this holiday season. A nice intimate island Christmas...I'm excited. ;o)

All right...Christmas is over...New Year's Eve!! I'm tired already. PFFFFFFT!

Let's eat!

Tis the season to eat some...eat a little more and then eat a snack a little later cause there is some yummy food to eat. I would way rather splurge on delicious treats for the household...having snacks for when people stop in...or just to constantly much on ourselves. The only things I truly need are; love...I am married to an amazing man and have sweet animals to love me and love back. Shelter...we are fortunate enough to have a lovely home to rent that we can stay dry and warmed up by the wood stove. And FOOD...we are incredibly lucky that each day we can wake up have a cup of warm tea or coffee, a piece of toast with an egg, if there are some in the fridge...and then get on with the day. So as we spoil ourselves with lots of yummy treats for Christmas...starting with my birthday this weekend...we are also spoiling ourselves with love. Eating makes us happy therefor we are happier to one another making each day feel so wonderful. I would like to carry this on through out the year. Maybe not over spending at the grocery store...but the super happy and lovey part...yes!

I know there are many people around the globe who will not be indulging in fatty yet scrumptious meals...and sadly many who won't even get a nibble of a piece of bread. The world seems so messed up to me when this is the reality of society. We by no means have money...in fact like most we are always in the debt not credit end of the spectrum. And we for sure don't always have a fridge full off delicious snacks and meals and juices and what ever yummy thing I could think of to enjoy. But I have love. Love, I feel is the number one. When there is a lack it's as if the essence of life is dim...what's the worth. So my wish this season is that everyone on this planet is at least stuffed with love...from a spouse/family/pet/neighbour/stranger passing by on the street making eye contact and a smile that can warm the soul...I just want everyone to have and feel love. Love makes us strong.

Pass the gravy...but more importantly...pass the love on!

Peace.

Would you like to swing on a star...

I TOTALLY would!! Oh, ha ha...I can't, it hurts. Boo! Super lame and super depressingly true. I just realized last weekend that I no longer can enjoy the sport...err I guess it's an activity...but I can't swing anymore. I find that makes me feel really fabulous. NOT. I find it intensely irritating when I figure out things that I like to do and they actually cause me pain. In reality...it's not like these activities have ever been the centre of my universe. Nor does not being able to enjoy them truly affect my life in a horrible way. Life is still amazing and there is always much to enjoy. But still. It ticks me off.

Take, for example...bowling. I really, REALLY love to bowl. Honestly. Ever since my first time playing 5 pin. You know...the small balls that are so cute...and they always have bright colour swirly psychedelic designs on them. I love bowling. The first time I bowled 10 pin...THAT was super exciting for me. I'm pretty sure that by the time I was 12 I had seen every episode of The Flintstones. Fred doing his little ballerina tip toe to score the big strike! I was finally able to try it out myself. (Every one who has bowled 10 pin for SURE has done Fred's little bowling dance). For a little while, when I was 24...I bowled pretty much every Monday night. 10 pin of course. A bunch of us who worked at Grapes would meet at the Polo Park lanes and play a couple games. And not to toot my own horn or anything...but I probably scored about a dozen turkeys in my day. Yes I did! ;op (For those of you who do not know bowling terms...turkey is when you make 3 strikes...in a row baby!!) But, unfortunately, back in 2003 after a game at the Grandview Lanes down on Commercial Dr...I woke up the next day and following 4 days in major pain. Me poor arm! It just killed me. Lame! At least I can still on occasion watch some peeps play the game. I usually ask to throw the ball once or twice in some one's turn. And it still kind of hurts...arm and my pride...ha!

Same goes for darts. Now I have probably only played, perhaps 20 games in my whole entire life. I'm almost 36...so that really doesn't add up to too many games. But, when you are drinking at a pub and there is a dart board near...it can sometimes be a testament to your will if you stay away from the board. Those little sharp darts...they call you...lure you in. Sing the song of the dart sirens and you can't help but ask someone for a game. Which I always inevitably lose! But I don't even care...it's just a fun silly game. Darts is another game where you are doing repetitious movement. That is exactly what makes my arm hurt so bad. So, I no longer play darts. I miss ya poky guys! ;o) And pretty much every other little sharp object wielding or ball throwing/hitting/dribbling or stick pushing or racquet swooshing game there is. Too bad. Good thing I really am not into sports playing participation but rather sport spectating...it's actually a lot more fun. Not strenuous at all. :o)

Anyhow...back to the latest and most devastating loss of certain activity of which I had the most fondness for...SWINGING! I can never ever ever walk by a swing set and NOT hop on to a swing and at least take a few high soars. I love to swing! It is such a free feeling...almost like flying...except for the fact that you are on a seat that is attached to chains which are attached to a thick metal apparatus that is cemented into the ground. But other than the obvious...you are flying! And I love how no matter how old you are...you always feel like a kid! ;o) So...last Sunday we were over at our friend Judy's. She has a big old wooden board and thick rope swing in the middle of her house. How awesome is that? Mitch was saying that years prior some dude was able to swing so high that his feet touched the roof. So I was like..."I can totally swing that high. I am a good swinger." So I was pumping and pumping away, trying to get as high as Pamanly possible. Thing is, when you have one arm and are trying to hang on for dear life...it takes a ton of strength to hold yourself upright in that huge flat wooden seat and not 1. slide off 2. lose balance 3. keep your swinging straight and not all rocking to one side. I never could get high enough to touch the ceiling. I gave up after about 10 minutes. Very disappointed in my sorry attempt at reaching the goal...but I gave it a pretty good try. pffft! Next morning...ahhhhhhh! I was so sore. I could not lift my arm for quite some time. I could not figure out what in the heck did this to me. I had a relaxed day. It was a Sunday. I remembered that I chopped three pieces of wood. They were super easy...the axe went through just like butter. Clint was like, "Yes...that's it. You should NOT chop wood." But that wasn't enough to make it this bad. Ah ha! I swinged too much!! Wah! What a terrible feeling it was when I realized that I really shouldn't ever have a good old swing. Sad moment dans l'histoire de Pam.

But, again...seriously...I MUST remember that there is more to life than pretending to fly.

ha ha! ;o)

Soul searching reads...

I have really never been one of those people who believed in "self-help" books...how can one person, psychologist/psychiatrist or whatever type of analyst know how to address every single help seeking individual. How can one book read to all of us in the same way that we can understand and functionally use the information given to better ourselves...our self esteem or bad habits...not one of us is the same or has the same problems.

I guess the one thing that most of us do suffer from would be self esteem issues. Even though we think that every one surrounding us is confident with who they are...and we feel like we are not as good or as smart or as pretty or strong or funny. I know for myself I have always felt like an underdog while with any one else...didn't even matter their sex or age or anything...I always felt like I was unworthy to be in any crowd. I brewed myself a self confidence. Teaching myself throughout the years different ways to feel cool or acceptable to others. I started trying to be funny one in class...the one who got tough with teachers verbally if they ever got on my case. Honestly, when I think back to some of my conflicts with teachers...I just have to laugh at myself. Just one example...grade 7...Bible class with Mr. Redekopp. He was teaching class and there were a few quiet conversation between some students in the rows of desks nearest me. At one point I turned around to Tonja Lisanti to reply to a comment I overheard someone else behind me say. I must have said6 words or less. I was the one who Mr. Redekopp decided to pick on and call out for talking in class. It truly ruffled my feathers...I had, still sometimes have...a short fuse. I spoke back to him in an incredibly condescending tone explaining that I was not the only one talking...then blurted out..."Whatever, I'm sorry!" He then replies..."Hang sorry Miss Behnke. I think you ought to walk yourself down to the office." With that being said I then walked out of there with an Oscar award winning performance...best actress in a dramatic role. I got up out my chair, making it slam into Tonja's desk...stomped my feet on the 75 year old hardwood flooring...stop at the door to get a good grip and proceed to slam it with all of my might causing all of the other three big old wooden doors in that hallway to shake from the force. And then I walk myself down to the office and plead my case to Mr. Fraser the Vice-Principal at M.B.C.I. in October of 1986. Now if that ain't an 11 year old with a problem...I have NO idea what is. I felt I was being tough in front of the other kids...and that would keep them from picking on me. I think the rest of the kids just thought I was a bit of a wild child...and that was cool with me too.

Anyhow, total side tangent there. Just needing to reflect on my own personal little hells that I put myself through for not wanting to accept and love myself. It sucks being a teenager...I would never go back to that time...I enjoy the aging process. ;o) And with the aging process we all have that chance to grow and wise up...some of us take the chance...some of us stay in that spot for the rest of our lives because we do not have the tools with which to change and learn to love and have confidence and enjoy who we are. I thought that at 20 years old I did start to change. That is the time when I completely stopped wearing my artificial arm...I was accepting who I was, and it felt good. So I started letting more and more people take advantage of...thinking that everyone likes me because I do any and everything someone asks or tell me to. Wow...what a cool chick I am...not! Thought I was...thought that now that I was not hanging on to my false identity of being a two armed girl that I was in control of my self and esteem and could make proper decisions. I married an abusive drunk at 22. I thought it was him that needed to be changed. So I put all of my eggs into that basket and tried desperately to make a failing relationship last. It started failing after 3 weeks of dating...yet still 2 1/2 years later I repeated the vows that were supposed to be for a lifetime of love. But there was no love at the start. None for me and none for him or from him...just two lost souls traveling in the same space for a while.

I can look back and pin point a million stupid and self destructive patterns and behaviour I really did present...but I was too immature and egotistical to accept that as fact. Fast forward to the beginning of my relationship with Clint. We were in love...that much was surely true. We had been great friends for years. So of course I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this relationship would be perfect and loving and lasting throughout all ages. Our love was stronger than gravity's pull...man what an ignorant bi-atch I was. How many times was it said to me..."You can only love others if you truly love yourself...love yourself...love yourself." AHHHHHH! I HATE myself! I am ugly I am stupid I am in-complete I am fat I am strange I am unworthy of love from anyone. Words that were always repeating in my head. What a waste of thought. I continued to be self destructive...pulling away from the people that loved me most...ruining relationships...ruining myself with everything I could. I have made a million and ten mistakes in my life. Part of me is okay with that as a mistake is a great learning tool. But I have also found that there are some books out there that ARE helpful. And I so believe in them that I just want to shout it from the mountain tops! They have changed my life and I honestly could not be happier. (I even feel happy right now and I am sick like a dog.) ;op My marriage could not be better...but I know it will continue to get better because of the reading that both Clint and I have done...yippee!!

We started with "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Amazing book from front to back. If everyone read this book I swear we would be a happy planet. Don't sweat yesterday...learn from mistakes but don't dwell on them. Get over it. Today is most important. Don't stress about tomorrow, it's coming anyways. Live in the moment. That's as paraphrased as I can make it...just read it. For those in a long term relationship...we read "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. She is an extremely smart woman. When we search for a partner...part of what we are looking for is that comfort love...the comfort love of only that a mother can give. That unconditional love that all mothers are to give their children...I realize that not all mothers are like this...but that is what the role is supposed to be. Listen to your partner...when there is a conflict one of you has got to be the first to say sorry and stop the fight and then it becomes easier...fighting becomes less frequent...love starts to grow. Just love. Seriously...read the book, it's amazing! The last book we read...I am almost done it...is a book that has been around for ages it seems. And anytime that I saw the book or heard someone talk about it I would laugh to myself..."book sounds so stupid and cheesy, like what can it possibly say that we don't already know...duh!" "Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus" by John Gray. Holy moly. This book nails it on the head...for real! It IS so simple. We are totally different people...that we all know. But this book spells it out so simply on how the reactions and gestures men and women make to one another are just their nature and are not wrong...but we have to understand how the other works and then it just gets easy. Does that even make sense? I don't know...the book opened our eyes and we are living and loving a heck of a lot better than before reading it.

Again...I am not one to pump up the self help books...but these can save the world and bring back the love. Maybe not...but a good read is never a bad thing...right?

peace and looooove!!

Shiny Happy Rainbows...make me happy too.

Not only do I keep a blog, but I also enjoy reading other people's blogs too. We all have amazing things to share...don't we? Each and every one of us has our own thought, imagination, opinion and lessons that we can share with one another...so why not? ;o)

My sister, who has a blog at http://thejoyinthemiddle.blogspot.com writes some pretty good stuff. Much of it having to do with my three little nieces...whom I adore...so I get to see what is going on in their lives back east more than I would if she didn't share her thoughts and sweet days in her blog. I must admit that good ol' Facebook helps keep me in the loop too. Anyhow, Steph, my lovely baby sister...I don't know why I always still call her baby, she's 31! ;o) She posted a blog the other day about the shiny happy rainbows in her home. And I thought...you know...I like colour because of its vibrancy and the cheerfulness that it exudes in me. So I went around my home and took some shots of the "Shiny Happy Rainbows" that we enjoy on a daily basis.

My tolled bathroom cabinet and colourful towels...got more colours in the laundry! ;o)
My stripey colourful socks...which also need to be put in the laundry! ;op
My handmade faux stained window in our cute little kitchen.
My "Tammy Hudgeon" daisy chain that hangs and spins outside our living room window. My Fave!!!
The first painting Clint ever did of me...I LOVE this painting!!
My assortment of colourful bangles...who doesn't love neon bracelets? Yes!!!
Back to the bathroom where I hang our beads from the French Quarter in New Orleans.
And last but not least...a gift from my mom to remind me how special love really is. ;o)
That's some of the colour in our home. I can not wait for the day that we actually own our own home so that our walls can also be bold beautiful colours to reflect the cheer and love that live in our lives. Peace!

I burn good.

It's true...I DO burn good. And, I am proud of it...well at least for the one "type" of burning that I do. (see #1) I have composed a list of the ways I burn...good. ;o)

1. I make an awesome fire. Whether it be on a beach, in a fire pit or in our wood stove. I have the amazing ability to start a great fire that creates awesome embers and therefore burning like a champion. I have always had a thing with fire...as my mother will attest. One time, I almost burned our kitchen down when I was 11 because of my love of candles. I left my special birthday candle burning on the counter under the macrame hanger. We went out to get my birthday dinner...came home a couple hours later to a stinky/burny/smokey smelling home. The candle caught the bottom fringe of the macrame hanger on fire...it made the whole thing flame up which then caused the whole thing to come crashing down from the ceiling and into the kitchen sink...phew! My parents were NOT amused to say the least. But all was okay as nothing serious happened..."just be careful with fire Pami! It's not to play with." I guess that didn't teach me too much because I also used to light a candle in my room during the night under my bed so that I could read without anyone seeing a light on. Ha ha ha! I was smart. lol Anyhow, point being, I am a fire woman...my element sign is even fire. Guess that is why I burn good! ;op
2. I constantly burn myself. Taking dishes out of the oven and hitting the burning red hot element to my forearm. (done that 3 times in the same spot!) Putting more wood in the wood stove...I manage to brush my hand or arm on the fiery hot door or latch...ouchies! I have quite a few scars from doing that. And I have only been a wood stove woman for just about 3 years. Last night, our dishwasher was on the fritz. Went through the entire cycle with no water...ugh...so frustrating. I wanted to fix the problem so started looking on the inside of the machine if something was loose or whatever. Well, at the bottom of a dishwasher you will find an element...much like the ones in our ovens. I didn't even clue in that this "element" might be hot as the cycle just finished. I pulled on it to see if IT was loose...AAAAAHHHHHH!!! Thankfully I only burned the pad of my middle finger. But it is extremely hurty I have to say. Today it is all white with a deep red circumference...it looks gross...and hurty. ;op So...my skin, which obviously is part of me burns real good. Therefore I come to the conclusion that I truly do burn good!
3. Sarcasm...it can be a real bitch and burn the heck out of some one. ;o) I do not burn people unless they have taken their opportunity to burn me. And most of the time...to be perfectly honest...I don't burn that good. But, I do have my "shining" moments when my timing and words are so perfect that it is quite a masterful burn. Then I like to yell..."Ha ha ha ha ha ha...BURN!!!!" Pretty funny...to me at least. #3 way...I burn good.

4. Sunshine...it is my friend. I love the sun, its warmth, its beauty and the light that it gives. I generally am NOT a sun burner. I seem to be blessed with tough Eastern German skin. We all have skin with good melanin that likes to show off and make us get really brown in the summers. We used to use my mom's "Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning Oil" while sitting by the pool and see who could get the darkest. None of us kids ever burned...just tanned very nicely. (I no longer beat my skin up this way...I actually cover up more and wear 30 spf for protection. I have become a scaredy cat of the bad effects of the sun.) But, there was this one time...not at band camp...we were on a family vacation on the Caribbean island of Montserrat. I believe it was the third day in of our 2 weeks in paradise. We hiked to this ultra private beach where me and my brother decided to get out into the water and snorkel. We were out there for like 2-3 hours. So, for the duration of our snorkeling...my back is pretty much constantly being exposed to the hot Caribbean sun. Being in the water...the probably 4 or 15 spf I was wearing had washed away and my skin was uncovered and soaking up the rays. By the time we got back to the villa my back was feeling pretty bad. I asked my mom to look at it and see if something stung me...we saw eels and rays...they freaked me out. So I was thinking something underwater must have done this to me. My mom pulled my t-shirt up and gasped. Not a good thing to hear. My entire back was covered in blisters...burn blisters. I couldn't even keep a t-shirt on after I showered. It hurt so bad. But for the next few days anytime we went to a beach...I had to stay covered up as best as I could so the blisters would heal. So sick! That is the worst sun burn I have ever seen on anyone. I burn good!

That's it...that's the story of Pam and how good a burner I really am. Impressed? ;op

I remembered...

I took the moment and thought about those who served in the wars...ALL of them. Not just Canadian soldiers, but the soldiers all over the world who were sent to battle to fight for what they thought was right. Whether or not I believe in war or not...or even how I feel about the army or navy or whatever...people still are pledging their lives to be killed or kill in the name of what they are taught is right. Keeping in mind that a lot of the men and women who served or are serving as I write this are also forced into it either by a draft or family/political pressures. I don't want anyone to have to go out and do this. I believe in peace and harmony and working through things without fighting. Such a fairytale thought I suppose...idealistic some might say. But to me it is the MOST ideal way to deal with any kind of argument, debate, land claim, etc.

It's a topic that can be discussed for hours and hours and still coming to no end...it's hard to sit in a group of people and come to a decision that everyone can agree to full hearted. We are all so different...different beliefs, views, practices, needs, wants...this is why we war. Sad, but it's the truth.

Anyhow...whenever I take that moment to remember...I mostly remember my Opi and Opa who fought in WWII. They both fought in the German army...NOT the SS...just the regular army that was trying to keep their country safe...even safe from the crazy German SS army, because they were killing their own people. :o( Must have been pretty insane to know that your own country men were killing your neighbours and people you loved. It just must be insane to be out there shooting and killing and not even understanding what the heck is really going on...oh my word...it almost makes my brain explode.

Opa didn't much like to talk about the war. And anytime he caught us kids playing cops and robbers or whatever...pretending we were shooting each other...he would get upset and say that guns were bad. I didn't even understand it as a child. Like, what does it matter, these aren't real guns...it's our hands!! But now I can understand...perhaps it brought back horrible memories of witnessing people's death by being shot. Or maybe even shooting someone himself. I don't know. I will never know as he passed away in October 1996. We never talked about the war...except that I knew he was a mailman soldier. Delivering letters.

Opi didn't say too much about his time fighting except for when we asked direct questions. And we only had these questions from visible scarring that he had...so we wondered about the story behind it. He was shot through the shoulder. There was a scar on the front and back side...bullet went straight through the flesh. He also had a sort of flattened left pinky finger...this was from a tank driving over his hand when he was trying to hide on the ground from the "enemy". Going through the old black & white photo books we found pictures of him with some men hanging out on some grassy hill. Almost looked like they were out on a hike or something. But the photos were taken in a P.O.W. camp in France where he spent 2 years of life before finally getting to go home. Again, I wish I knew a little more about the time he served in the army...just to know more of his history and the things he went through in his life. I can say though...I KNOW he saw things he didn't want to see. Who would want to be on the front lines of death and destruction?? And even though he did...he was the most loving, calming, kind and compassionate man I knew. He was the best. He passed away August 30, 1997...and I STILL miss him so very much. I always miss his hugs.

I remember them because they were both good men. They both had positive influence on my life and I feel blessed to have had and loved two amazing men. And their awesomeness has nothing to do with fighting in a war. That was a small and consciously forgettable memory they both had. I remember the love they gave me...the things they taught me...the laughter we shared. I remember Opi and Opa...love you!
Opi, Omi and my mom in 1951.
Opa and Oma around 1956 I believe...

Bath time!!! Yay!

Almost like being a kid again. I loved it when it was bath time...I honestly would lie in there for what seemed like an eternity. Adding hot water whenever it started to cool down again. Sometimes I would just lay in the heat and enjoy the feeling...other times I would be playing with my Barbies or Sandy Sea Wee's. (I still have one of the mermaids!) And of course there were the times when I was younger and bath time would be with Stephie...my baby sister. We would play with the dolls in the bath too for ever. I was 5 years older than her, so I would use her young age as an excuse as to why an 11 year old in grade 7 was still playing with dolls. In reality...I LOVED playing with my Barbies and even my stuffed animals up until I was probably 13. Whatevs! So did some of my friends...in secret of course. My Barbies had a HUGE house with a closet and hangers for all of their ultra cool outfits...plus Ken would often come and visit and get funky with the ladies. Very exciting for a young girl!! lol

All right, no more talk of dolls and silliness...let's get serious..ahem. Bath time!! I love it! It's pretty much the same thing...I draw a bath...super hot water...and then submerge myself in the warmth. I have been known to lie in there for up to 5 hours. I think that Clint may sometimes think I have an addiction to the water and heat. I suppose I do. In a way it brings me back to the feelings of being a kid. My mom drawing a bath for me...filling it with bubbles...and then being able to soak in it and relax. I no longer use bubbles...that often. But I definitely enjoy the soak and relax aspect of it all. I get incredibly sore muscles and joints...a bath really can heat up those tired and overworked parts of me like nothing else can. But at the same time I relax my mind. It's almost meditation at times. More random meditative thoughts when I end up drinking an ENTIRE bottle of red wine while immersed in heat and comfort. It is a safe haven of sorts...the bath time. It's not like someone can come over and drag me out of the water. I am safe in my dimly lit, pretty bathroom. It stays warm from the heat of the bath and steamy too. I LOVE it. It makes me happy.

I feel that each one of us should take the time to draw a hot bath with bubbles or epsom salts or any other bath time pleasure...soak and enjoy the total relaxation. Have some wine or yummy juice to make it feel even more decadent. It's important I feel...and who wouldn't enjoy the peace and solitude?? I even have a comfy chair in the corner of the bathroom...so when I take ultra long bath time, I can invite Clint into the room and we can chat. It's quite nice actually. And who also wouldn't want to sit and chat with their lovely wife while she is naked in the tub?? ha ha ha!!! LOVE IT!

Stories and advice by Pam! tee hee heeeeee. :op
My steamy bath!

Sex...ain't sexy anymore... ?

You know you are getting older when you start to say things that remind you of comments your mother and grandmother said to you back in the day. Like..."why are you wearing a top that shows your mid-riff...do you want the boys to think you are not a nice a girl?" Or..."you shouldn't wear a skirt too short, your panties will show when you bend over." And of course you feel like they are so old and out of touch because this is exactly what is in style at the moment. "Everybody is wearing shirts like this mom! I have a nice tummy, I should show it off while I still can!" And yes...I DID want the boys to take notice of me. They never really did back then anyways. When you have low self esteem it shows off like a big fat red with a white centered zit in the middle of your forehead. Everyone can see it...but no one even talks about it.

I was always a HUGE Madonna fan...ever since grade 4. I totally can still hear my mother complaining to me and wanting me to not listen to her music or watch her videos. "She dresses like a hooker...do you want to look like a hooker?" Of course I don't want to look like a hooker. But I do want to look cool and like an outrageous pop star...what kid doesn't? Back in the 80's Madonna was seen as a sort of "bad" influence because of the way she dressed or writhed around on the floor like a cat in heat in her "like a virgin" video. She looked pretty cool if you ask anyone who was a pre-teen or teen or young adult at the time. We ALL wanted to be Madonna. Well...I wanted to be any hot woman that I saw on TV or in a music video. I wanted to be anyone but the plain old boring Pam that I was. I didn't feel pretty enough...or even complete enough. Having one arm made me feel like half of a girl. So not what I was or am today...but you know young girls and their constant battle with low self esteem. But back then...I thought I was the only girl that hated myself...I just wanted to be sexy.

Sexy at 13??? Why would I even want that? Looking back now, I wish I would have just enjoyed being the innocent and sweet young girl that I was and not wanting to be someone different. I did enjoy my childhood very much. I always had a fun time whatever I did...and MOST of it was good, clean fun...up until...let's say 15. That's when it seems to get a little tougher for girls. You so want to be grown up and mature. We started getting into the bars at 15...borrowing older girls' id. (by the time picture id came to Manitoba I was already the legal age of 18) So we started to want to dress older and sexier. Our role models were Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Claudia Schiffer, Cindy Crawford and always Marilyn Munroe even in her grave she was STILL the hottest ever. For role models...they were pretty good actually. Not too racy when I look back at it. But for the times I guess it was.

I look at who our young girls have to look up to now...Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Beyonce. Yeesh! They all go around in their underwear. What's next?? Will they be on stage buck nude and having sex right in front of our eyes?? Those were my thoughts on Saturday night. We stayed in from all of the Halloween festivities this weekend and watched movies. After Sleepy Hollow was over SNL came on. Haven't watched that show in years...so we thought we'd watch it and see if it's still a funny show. The musical guest was Rihanna. Now, I totally think that she is an incredibly talented young woman. Her voice is golden...and she is a major babe...total package right? Honestly, she made me feel sick and sad. It was the way she was dressed...this is why I feel like my mother...and I ain't even a mother...yet. ;op Rihanna was wearing a pair of sequined granny panties, a bandanna tied around her huge titties that looked like it was about to burst off of the balloons underneath and of course 5" stilettos. Wow, classy. Not only was this super charged hooker/stripper outfit her costume for the performance but she preceded to hump the mic stand as she sang. I was actually revolted and started feeling sorrow for all of the young girls out there who look up to her as their role model. I have been noticing a change in the way the young girls are dressing in the last 5-10 years. Even in the pre-teen girls...like ages 8 to 10 year olds. They dress like hoochie mommas. And if they are leaving the house in these clothes...not only does that mean that their mothers are allowing them to go out looking like this...it means that their mothers are actually purchasing them these outfits that scream "I want to get laid!" But they don't even know what that means. They just want to wear it because their idols wear these clothes. And we wonder why we have a rampant problem with pedophilia?? I am not defending pedophiles...but c'mon parents...let your children be children. We have such few years to be innocent. Teach your children to enjoy being a kid...playing at parks...having slumber parties and pillow fights. Children are having sex at earlier ages these days. Someone has to figure out how to stop this before it escalates even more. All we can do is teach our children what is right. The world keeps evolving...sexy is changing big time. It's not even sexy anymore...it's just pure sex. That's fine for adults...not for kids. I wish the recording artists that are the "big"pop stars would see this too. Miley...I am putting you in this bracket too. Enjoy being a teenager for crying out loud! Argh!!!!!

Do I sound like an old lady? Well, if I do...that's my issue I guess. I am an 80 year old 35 year old! ha ha ha! I don't care. I have my eyes wide open for the first time in my life I feel. I finally understand what my mom and Omi and Oma were saying to me. Wish I got it back then. And I will teach my daughter (If I ever have one) these lessons...she may or may not listen. But I will speak my mind...in a loving and encouraging way.

Sexy is a great pair of jeans and comfy yet curve hugging top. I don't need to wear my heels and panties out to get groceries (Lady Gaga) to attract people to me. I just need to be me and look good doing it. That IS sexy!

Peace.

Heroes...

These days we see a lot of yellow ribbons on people's cars..."Support Our Troops", bring them home. Why the heck did we send them in the first place is what I always say. Have we not learned yet that war is NOT the answer. We start wars over land, money, greed and retaliation. None of which are good enough excuses to send men and women to another country to kill, kill KILL! It's wrong...end of story. But that is not what is on my mind at the moment. The word "Heroes" is the title to this blog. And I am not even talking about the "heroes" that come back from war...I have a hard time calling them that. I do have a sort of respect for those that have gone to fight. I don't have the balls that it takes to blow our "enemies" up. I don't even have the balls to go over there to be in the middle of a deadly war to help out those that need it. There are many innocent people that are being killed daily because of the war. So sad. I don't want any soldiers to come home in a body bag. But I suppose when you sign up to join the army these are risks that you take. So consider them hero or not...they chose to do what they are doing. I am trying ti ruffle feathers saying this...it is MY opinion. And I just tend to ramble at times...at times not even making sense. But that is just me!

Anyhow....back to my original thought...

We are surrounded each and every day by heroes. They are in our family, they are our friends and people in our community, they are even celebrities and politicians. They fight the biggest battle that any of us could ever imagine. One of the greatest battles of human history. I am talking about our arch nemesis...CANCER. All of us have been affected by it's torment in one way or another. Fortunately, for us, we do have survivors...we know survivors and feel blessed that they were able to beat it. Win the fight against the biggest serial killer man has seen. And, unfortunately, we also can lose the fight even though we had given it our all...put all of our strength into the combat...used every "weapon" that medical science and homeopathic remedies can offer. Cancer still has the ability to fend off our earnest methods of battle. Plain and simple...cancer sucks! And all I can think is why do we NOT have a cure yet?? How can that possibly be? There are many reasons...some are human greed, some are just because cancer is striking every cell in our bodies at rapid rates. Ahhhh! I find it so aggravating...it seems we are at times helpless against it. But, all we can do is fight the good fight and take it day by day. We will win and we will lose. It's life...c'est la vie as they say, as much as it can tear us apart. We just have to be strong if we are in the fight personally, or if we are a cheerleader for the fighter in our own life. Love is all we have...so let's just keep giving it to everyone we know. Maybe love WILL conquer all. Happiness can beat out sickness. Perhaps our world should be full of more love to one another. Live for each moment. Don't worry about things that happened yesterday...that day is over. Today is new...make it worth it.

So...anyways...a hero to me is someone who fights a battle for life...to continue to be able to live, love and laugh among the rest of us. I dedicate this blog to those who have lost their battle...to those that have won theirs and to those that are still fighting. Never give up. You are loved and those around you need you as much as you need them.

Peace and love to everyone...

Lovelies that make me smile...

Wensday...my kitty of 13 years. I've watched her grow from a skiddish and pesky, quite frankly annoying at times cat to being just a big furball of love. Sugar cube Wenny!
Maggie the Magnificient. The dog that adopted US and who has most truly and definitely enriched our lives...while we try to enrich her last few years on this planet. We love you Maggie May!


And of course my man...what would I be without him? Lonely and single...well maybe, but I would like to think I would still be happy as we should always be happy with who we are as an individual. But hey...I feel so fortunate to have him by my side...through thick and thin, better or worse. I stand by his side and he stands by mine. I am so blessed to finally know what true love is. I love you Clint! xox

Insensitive...

why is our society so? Or maybe we are just going back to our roots. Back to living the way we did in the days when people were strung up on wooden splintery posts that were placed strategically in the town centre and left to die. Women would then bring their children to parade them by the dead and dying criminals (a lot of the time unjustly accused non-criminals) to teach them a lesson..."now see here children, this is what's gonna happen to you if you steal or cheat. You'll be hanging up there with them criminals. Mind your manners...listen to your elders." That would probably scare most kids on the straight and narrow. Others, well, they might take it as a dare...can you beat the law man at his game?? Imagine going to the public burnings...watching someone, innocent or evil, strung up to a post...firewood gathered all around them and then lit up? Pretty disgusting. That's our past. That is exactly where we came from. But we have become more civilized since...yup, we sure have.

These days...we have political correctedness, women's rights, societies like PETA and WWF, we send money and aid to children in third world countries and to victims of flood and earthquake. We take care of our world's population. We care. We also allow media to share with us images of war and destruction, corrupt leaders being hung to death, mass slaughters of animals...and we eat it up. We buy our children video games where they can chase police officers in fancy cars and gun them down then go pick up a prostitute, use her and then kill her too. This is entertainment...isn't it?? HELL no!

Earlier today we were watching a program about this captive bear named Rocky...he was born and has been raised in captivity. He lives on a farm in California, in a big cage and works as a film bear. He's a Hollywood Star...not! He is a loveable creature that has been trained to do amazing things...all for camera...for an audience. To make $$$ for his trainers. That is the bottom line. This wild animal, that has been given a "human" name, has been kept in a confined space for years...that is unethical all on it's own. His trainer, who is a very smart and talented man himself, really has a connection with "Rocky" the grizzly. He can wrestle and get kisses from Rocky...it's really quite sweet to watch. I am lured into watching this show. Now, this trainer has a cousin who also works with wild animals...mostly cats; like puma, cougars and tigers etc. He wants to wrestle with Rocky too. Get the adrenaline of standing next to and then being able to wrestle with a live and beautiful grizzly...the group that works with Rocky allow this to take place. But nothing is done the way Rocky is used to...and he ends up lunging at this guy's throat and with one bite, takes his life. This is an intriguing story to say the least...I couldn't stop watching the program as I was sad for this bear and how his life became so complicated and then this poor guys who lost his life through people taking the "life" away from this bear. It's a pretty emotional story to say the least. But in my head I am starting to have a freak out...scared at what they are going to show. The stunt with Rocky and this man was all taped. So, the next images we are subject to watching in this one hour documentary is a slow motion play by play of the quick and deadly attack. There is no gore. By that I mean, no blood or torn skin can be seen in the video footage of the attack. But you see Rocky lunge at him, take him down, you hear him scream his cousin's name, then Rocky shakes him a few times before the others get him off the struggling man...his adrenaline, obviously pumping harshly through his veins, gets him off the ground and running away. Seconds later he drops dead. It looks like a scene from a movie...but it's real. It tore me apart. I couldn't stop crying...for this man, the bear and then it hit me like a medicine ball to the gut. This is what we have become. Insensitive to the death of men...the destruction of humankind. We have no more sensitivities...it has been stolen from us. But it's our fault. We want entertainment...and it has to keep getting better and better. Sick!

Don't mean to vent so much...I am just as guilty as anyone else who watched these programs. And I know others too can not believe the things they see or hear about being in public view. The sheer disgust of it all. I am a horror movie lover...I truly am. I will rent every stupid horror flick out there. I know it's fake. It's gory and horrible, but all fake. When I see the reality of a situation that is horrific...my stomach churns. People jumping out of windows in the World Trade Centre. Why did we need to see that?? The luger that lost his grip on the ice in the Whistler Olympics...I definitely did NOT need to see that. His poor family.

Anyhow, I needed to get this out of my head so that I can let it go. I don't have to watch it. Maybe others will stop. Maybe one day it will be illegal to show these types of images on the web or TV or any kind of media display. We can only hope.

peace.

Lowly Lonely Loner...

...is what I am. Or at least who I feel I need to be once in a while...and I do fully enjoy it.

I am not testifying to not need people around me...or that I don't require social contact with others. I just relish being in my mind and having the peace and quiet that goes along with it. Like when it is just me and Maggie walking up the road through the trail down to the beach then walking along the beach around to the next Bay...it is pretty lovely. I could do it for hours and hours. Then it's nice to come home and chill for a bit...maybe read or play on the computer...clean a room in the house. Whatevs. Alone time is good time.

I was thinking today, while on my walk with Maggie that if life changed and I was alone...I could dig it. I would never in a million years want to change the way my life is now. I love living in this house with Clint...sharing my life with him and having adventures. That is what truly makes me happy and enjoy living...it's how I have been blessed. ;o) But...in my mind, while I was just daydreaming, I was imagining living in a small cabin in a rural environment (much like where we live now I suppose...but my cabin gets full sun and is always warm and cozy) all by myself. My cabin would be an hour drive to where you can get supplies like food and gas and living essentials...so people don't really visit me often. And I like that. I have a dog...maybe a cat or two too. I also have internet, but it is dial-up...ancient times, slow speed. You know, just because you are alone does not mean that you can not count on and utilize the technology that is out there for our own purposes and pleasure.I would feel the need to use it once in a while to check things like the good old world of FB and of course I would be sending emails to friends and family. I also would have a phone and probably use it as a device of communication with the outside world...so old school eh? The "telephone". But, I feel for the most part...it would just be me, some hobbies, dog walking, pondering, gardening, sleeping, lots of baths...but outside baths, in the middle of my sunny meadow where the daisies surround me by the millions. On the other side of the meadow there is a path that leads me down to the water...could be the ocean or a majestic lake. Either would be fabulous. As long as I can walk along the water, taking a dip whenever necessary. This fantasy is pretty sweet to me. It got into my head today because I was enjoying a beautiful sunshiney day while Clint is was out for the most part of it. But, I came home and 20 minutes later, in walks Clint. And then I am so super happy that I AM in this chilly but fabulous cabin, living in the "country" with a sexy and fun man beside me each and every day. Nice thing is...he too is a loner and likes his sweet alone time. Perfection! We can be loners together, forever!

So...if someone calls me a loner...I own it. Love it. Even though it is usually only me calling me a loner. ha ha But, I think it's excellent to be able to be by yourself and to also be totally comfortable with that. Not everyone can do it. It's a blessing not a curse.

Anyway...Maggie and I had a fun time on our walk. I like the 10 sec shot.


Peace...

Why are the 80's so popular again??

Not that there is anything wrong with them...but seriously...somebody tell me WHY??

Along with every other decade that has made a come back...we will find people that are not happy with it. We remember back in those days, the way we were and the clothes we wore, seeing everything as so outdated...so yesterday. Well, that is because they are outdated fashions and it was so, like yesterday! lol It's not like everyone who was wearing bell bottom pants during the 1970's was thinking "what the hell am I doing wearing these stupid pants?" It was in style...it was in the magazines...Hollywood stars were wearing them. If you did NOT have a pair of bell bottoms you were out of touch with true fashion. So, they were worn with pride back then...you were cool in them. But then the 1980's came and it was all about tight ankle and wide hipped pants...the Harem pant! We all loved them and wore them. So comfortable too! You could head on down to Warehouse One or Mariposa and pick out any colour you dreamed of. Stirrup pants too...classic 80's! Back then, I dug it. I loved it. And then that ended and the 90's brought new fashion again...and so on. It just happens that way. And with each new decade comes inspiration from past decades but in an updated and far cooler way...the old and the new combined to create an even bigger impression on fashion history.

These are just the facts and we all know them and understand them...but still we complain when old fashions come out again. I HATED when big shirts and leggings were coming back not to long ago. Now it's like all I can wear...why? Because it's freakin' comfortable and easy to wear. Ha ha ha! And it's going out of style again. But now I live on a small island where no one cares if you walk around in sweats all day long...well, they care but just don't care enough to let it bother them. Cool. I will continue on wearing my leggings until they fall apart and you can no longer buy them because they are so out of fashion. Though I might keep a pair that I continue to repair or whatever...just cause I like them so much! So silly! ;op

It's 80's week this week...whatever that means. Everyone on Facebook has been posting pics of them in the 80's! And we were ALL so ugly! Ha hahahahahaaaaaa!!! Seriously...gross! ;op
(but back then we thought we were the bomb. lol) I created an album on my FB page dedicated to the 80's. There's only like 7 pictures in it...I hate scanning...and taking pictures of photos, lame. But I am feeling nostalgic.

The 80's for me (and you too...admit it) was a period of very bad fashion. But even worse because I was ALWAYS wearing that stupid artificial arm. It controlled what I wore at all times...so unfair. And this is a big reason a look back at the 80's is doubly disturbing to me. I want to forget I even wore that weird and heavy and cumbersome and self esteem thief. The dr's called it a life saver...I consider it personal hell. All right Pam...don't get too dramatic. It's only Thursday! lol But it's just that when I look back at the photos and see that ARM dangling like a lifeless limb (which it was) I just wish I could turn back time and not ever have worn it. Wished I didn't rely on it to make me feel normal and for others to feel I too was normal and ease their comfort around me. Ack! Drama continues...get over it. Well, I think I am over it. Just a haunting I have every once in a while that drives me a little crazy. At least I was a cute kid! lol

So, I say down with the 80's. Let's celebrate this week...week of the 80's and then let go...move on...for real man! 1989 has come and gone. I believe the numbers are 2010...let's enjoy this year, it's almost over. Let's celebrate today and tomorrow for what we are...just as we are. I am by no means demanding that everyone get naked and have a bunch of drinks and celebrate who they are...but that also sounds like fun. ;o) Let's celebrate everyday the life that we have and enjoy what we have in the moment. The moment is great!

That's my spiel for the day...rock on peeps...peace! xox