Ch-ch-ch-changes!

Some people love change...others can't stand it and avoid it at all costs. I used to be a hater and would fight change to the end...unless of course it was a change that I wanted to make to suit my needs better! ha ha! I guess I used to see change as something bad, meaning that the way I was doing it was wrong. And I sure don't like to be wrong or told that I am doing something wrong. But the word "wrong" and change really have absolutely nothing to do with one another...at least that is something I have been learning and getting to understand in the last year or so. I can remember being told my my mom to "Please change your outfit before we go out." I saw this as a negative comment from her, like she thought that my idea of what looks good sucks and I am such a kid that I can't even dress myself. When, in reality, she is just thinking about the place or event that we are going to...the type of people that may be there and how I would more than likely feel better in a more appropriate outfit for the occasion. Makes perfect sense to me now. Like going to a wedding shower at the church with all of the ladies...me walking in wearing my white spaghetti jeans, (remember those jeans that when off your legs they looked so skinny and how could any one's legs possibly fit into them...we called them spaghetti warmers. it was the 80's man!) high top runners and a big old sweatshirt would just make me feel out of place and therefore more "negative" attention drawn to me from the lovely older ladies at the church. She was taking care of my heart. I did not like to be stared at...I would generally equate that negativity to be because of my one arm, not the fact that I look like a schlep at a nice function. So I would put a nice pair of dress pants or skirt and top on and enjoy a lovely evening. My mom is one smart cookie! ;o) 

I love getting older. Well, I love getting older now that I realize with each year and incident, accident or whatever is going on...I learn from it. But I only learn if I take the time to see what was happening from all sides of the scope. I spent my youth constantly repeating dumb or bad behaviour...but I did not see it as that. I saw the things I was doing to be right and that they made me strong in some way. I remember thinking "older" people were idiots and that the things they were trying to tell me were just because they were too old to realize how dumb they really were. Ha ha...know what I mean? Exactly the way I must sound now to the "kids" when I give them advice. They just think I am an old lady and have nothing good to offer because I am so out of the loop. Well let me tell you sonny! ;op

One of the biggest changes...the hardest changes I have had to make in my life I came to recently. And it is still a huge work in progress. It's all about the attitude baby! I feel I have, for the most part in my life had a good attitude towards things. I am a glass half full kind of a gal...at least that is what I wanted to portray myself as...I could speak positively and act positively, but my mind thought differently. Always a negative banter about myself running through my head. In doing soul searching reading, I now know that those thoughts are actually my ego. I always thought ego meant that you were full of yourself. You know...like, "wow...that guy has a serious ego problem. He thinks he is better than anyone!" That too is the ego...but so are the opposite thought patterns that run though our minds. Feeling sorry for myself? Been there a million times. I fight it almost on a daily basis still. "Why did I have to be born with one arm?" "Why is my body so funny and different than every other girl?" "Why can't I do _____ (fill in the blank with all sorts of two handed things.)?" I could continue on that cycle for my whole life. Or, I can make a change. Change my attitude about it. Sure, I am in pain 24 hours a day...so are billions of other people in one way or another...so why cry about it? Well, my ego is fed by me crying and whining and wanting to be different. I have gotten myself into a comfort zone of self hate, so feeling sorry for myself makes my ego strong and healthy. I don't want a big ego...so I have to make changes. I have to look in the mirror each and every day (something I have ALWAYS hated) and tell myself how beautiful I am and that I am exactly as I should be. When I am feeling low for whatever reason, I have to be the one that pulls me out of that negative space. Nothing really matters, except for making sure that I am happy and fulfilled in MY life. That I am completely happy to be me and who I am...who I am for me, not anyone else. I need to love myself fully and completely. Once I am all of these things I then can love others whole hearted too. I have started to understand how we all live in the ego and that our reactions to certain things are due to some hurt inside...we may not even know it as a hurt, but it clearly is if our life is being run by it. Change is good. Changing the way I perceive what others think of me has helped me to love myself more even. I know that the person shrieking in horror at me is not REALLY scared of me. My ego is telling me that so that I get mad because anger makes me feel strong. Oh, that is just so wrong. It's these little changes that we can do for and to ourselves that will eventually help others too. Let your light shine bright. I've been told that my whole life and I am only now coming to understand what that means. Enlightenment is us being at peace with us in every sense of the word. Just be. That is all you need. Shine your light to help others see...

I believe the changes I need are the changes I am making now. (and then some probably!) I feel happier than I ever have...but it's still a struggle...I suspect it will be forever because I am not perfect and I make mistakes and I stumble. But to know that I can forgive myself and love myself regardless is all I need to know. Life is good...it is grand...it is fabulous...I have to remember that every day. Change is good! ;o)