I can't write anymore...

Seriously...I just wrote a whole long blog for Clint...Trying to keep his blog updated. He is not really a fan of sitting at this desk and working on the computer. I will call him "old school"...in fact, when he was at the University of Winnipeg, he used to print (like, printing with a pen) out his papers in his Anthropology studies. That was, until his prof demanded that he at least type them. So he paid someone to do that! lol Oh how I love my man. ;o)

Anyhow...I wrote a blog for his blog about him...my hand and fingers are done with this work today...so go on and read that one. ;o)

CMcC and his Art!

What is stopping me???

Really...what IS stopping me from doing what I want to do each and every day? I am a person who believes in having (and wanting to have) a clean home, eating good meals and spending as much time as possible with her man. (of course, this is merely talking about the times when I do not have "obligations" other than just being at home and doing that thang...the home thang. I love my home time.) I love all the moments I am able to spend at home...I am definitely as much a home body as I am a social butterfly. I love being home and having all of my comforts around me...including Clint, Maggie and Wensday. But lately I feel like I could...maybe should be doing so much more. Not even so much lately, but I have pondered a whole heck of a lot in the past year of getting involved as much as possible in doing creative things in my life. A big part of me spending more time than usual "a ma casa" is because I try to stay away from anything that could possibly cause me a day, or days of pain. For real. I have had to stop doing as much "physical" things as I once would have. And that is a HUGE bummer. I am a strong and independent woman...I pride my self on that very fact. But this left arm of mine has a whole different story...she wants to take it easy. She wimps out on me and then decides to take a few days off of work to "rest up". That does not bode well with me. But I really like her and would like to keep her around AND useful...for at least the rest of my earthly life...so I do good to her. I take it easy...as much as I possibly can...being OCD and all. Anyways...I like to keep busy. I always have. And ever since I have had the joy of ceramics (playing and creating, using clay) in my life, I feel like a newly designed human being. I feel like there is so much inside of me that truly needs to come out of me...I just need to have a lump of clay set in front of my face daily so that I can get into the habit of spewing it all out. I will never be the one who creates some magnificent, fabulously unique and never seen before work of art...yet, I feel that I will make something that brings a smile and maybe even a giggle to my mouth and the others that see my "creation". 

I love cuteness. Cute things...like Bambi and Thumper bounding through the thicket, side by side, sniffing the flowers and coming nose to nose with...a sniffing daisy...no, Flower...the skunk! (I LOVE that scene!) I admit to being a Disney child. I grew up watching Disney cartoons and movies...like all of them. My first ever movie, in the theatre was "The Rescuers"...I don't even really remember being there...I was barely 3 years old. (my first Drive-"In movie was "The Empire Strikes Back"...I was 5. I TOTALLY remember that...sitting in the back seat of the Dart with my big brother, huddled under our cozy blankies.) And since then, I think I have pretty much seen every Disney cartoon...except for the ones made in the last 10 years. I have some major renting to do obviously. I love cartoon movies that have animals that talk and imaginations that come to life. Nothing wrong with good old fashioned fantasies. I would love to be 4" tall and hop from mushroom to mushroom and communicate with the squirrels in the forest...wouldn't you??? Rub a lamp and out pops a genie wanting to grant me any three wishes that I could come up with...oooooh...they would have to be good. ;o)

For all of these reasons and more, I am addicted to playing avec le clay. Spending time at Feedlot Studios and creating things I dream up. I have not yet reached the skill level that I would like to be at in the creative workings with a slab of mud. It isn't as easily brought to life as I thought it would be. Nor do I spend enough time trying to do the things I really want to create...I need to get out of my house more and step in the creative world that is Feedlot. Wondrous stuff come out of there. When you stick a creative Graphic/Web Designer (Bryan McCrae) with a genius Ceramicsmith ({Mariko McCrae}I have no idea if there is a proper name besides..."oh Magical One") you get the Feedlot Studios...a place where creativity does nothing but feed your brain and senses and you leave giddy and relieved. Seriously. I can not say enough about my love of ceramic indulgence and the wonderful Mariko bringing it over to Gabriola Island for all of us Islanders to feast upon.

Here I sit and rave about the blessings I have when it comes to a creative outlet in which I have always dreamed of. And yet, I spend far too much time in front of this box in front of me...I love the computer...I love the access to the world that it allows me. I love that everything that I need to get done, I can do on this thing. But I also love the fact that I can turn it off, get in my car and take a 6 minute drive to Feedlot and enjoy some great conversation, outbursts of laughter and some amazing creativity with everyone involved. (maybe even some hot sake!) What is stopping me from doing this more? I can do all that I want in life. I don't have to be scared that I am not good enough, as creatively blessed as others or even scared that no one will like what I have made. As long as I like it...that should be all that matters to me...right??? Right. 

It's okay to do what makes us happy. That is kind of what life is all about.

My latest "Bathtub Tray" just came out of the kiln. It is for my friend Genni. I am really happy with how it turned out. It's soooo cute!!!! ;o)

Peace out!!! ;o)

Speaking of winter greens...

On Monday, Clint and I started the "no wheat, no sugar, no dairy"...NO FUN diet. Basically, you eat a lot of greens and veggies and fruit and meat (if you are a carnivore...we are). Yesterday, day two of this new "diet", I was little Miss Grumpy pants. Like for real. I was just so easily annoyed by most everything...well most everything that Clint said to me. I just kept thinking that everything he said to me made no sense and that he was not thinking properly. Unfortunately, it is always him that gets the brunt of my bad moods...when I have them. I am generally a very happy, go lucky kind of gal. I smile a lot and try to bring smiles to others faces too...and perhaps coax them into a hearty laugh, I can be quite silly when I really want to be. Even when I do feel in a grumpy mood, I do it despite not really feeling like it. Although, I imagine some of my real close friends have gotten the "you love me no matter what" attitude I will give off when grumpy or in pain. But poor Clint...he will ALWAYS get it when I'm in that mood. (same for him too...his grumpiness is fully reserved for little old me...ain't love grand?) So that was day two of no anything that I love...bread, chocolate, chips, cheese and most importantly, red wine! I was a basket case. At least I warned him that I was feeling agitated and frayed in my nerves. No sugar high for a couple days will do that to you I guess. Today is a much better day. I feel pretty good...I even feel lighter. (I won't weigh myself though...I can feel it in my tight jeans that feel a little looser today...that's all I need to know.)

Quite a few of my friends have done this change in diet specifically to lose weight...and loss of pounds did happen for them. They look and feel good. I have been trying for a year or so to convince Clint to try this "new" eating habit with me. He was not into it at all. He has been complaining about weight gain for like ever...perhaps it is getting older, maybe less exercise, maybe more snacking...maybe it's because we have had cable for the last few winters!! ha ha ha!! Whatever the reasons, he has not been happy with his weight. I am not one to boast, my metabolism has definitely started to slow since I have been in my mid thirties...boo! And this past Christmas in Texas, I added about 8 extra pounds to my slowing and growing body. (my parents have a new and improved fan-dangled digital scale...why did I step on it??) I too am the heaviest I have ever been in my life, so I wouldn't mind shedding about 10-15 pounds...get back to my "normal" weight...at least to a body feeling that feels good. No Belly!!! Anyways...a Facebook friend recently posted that she started this "diet" with her husband who has gotten too fat (her words not mine...lol). She wanted to be supportive and join him in his efforts of ridding himself of the spare tractor inner tube attached to his waist. In return, she found that not ingesting gluten and sugar and dairy helped her and her joint and muscle pain. On her weekly "cheat" day, she noticed more inflammation again. Who knew that gluten had anything to do with joint inflammation?..not me obviously!

I suffer from chronic pain...I am in pretty severe pain on a daily basis. The only positive side to pain being chronic is that you are used to feeling that and you just deal with it. I have tried everything from massage and physio to painkillers (including prescribed narcotics) and even Botox injections into my affected muscles...nothing helped me. Massage feels really good during the session and I feel good for about 4 hours afterward, then it fades. Physio...well, the exercises just irritate my already pained and inflamed joints and muscles. Good old painkillers, the strong and sometimes addictive "evil" kind like Dilaudid and Oxycontin...even Morphine, they did nothing but make my head foggy and stomach nauseated...NOT a good feeling. And then the Botox...the first few times I had the injections, I got relief from the tightness and pain that I felt all up in my neck, shoulder, arm and upper back. That stopped. I would get my injections (30 different spots) and it just wouldn't work anymore. Botox is supposed to paralyze the muscle that it is injected into, therefore easing and tension and easing my pain. It stopped doing that. Medicinal marijuana can take your mind off of the pain and allow to function better in your day...but the pain is still there at the end of day making for sleepless nights. Argh! I am really hoping that this meal change gives me relief of some of my pain and inflammation. And me bringing up the fact that this could potentially help me in this effort is what finally convinced Clint, who is now a firm believer in it all, to start it with me. I haven't noticed any difference yet in that respect...but I sure do feel good. I am not bloated and full. My belly feels good. I will say that the extra veggie in my diet does cause a little more "gas" to come out of me...that may settle. Whatevs...;op Clint calls this diet the "hunter/gatherer" meal plan. I like it! We'll keep on it for a couple of weeks at least and see how things turn out. My tummy looks flatter already, only on day three...that is a positive sign of things to come I feel.

Bring on the indoor greens...spinach, bok choy, broccoli, yummy salad. Outside greens...well, we just got a dump of snow overnight. It's a winter wonderland out there right now. :o)

Winter greens...

I like winter. I am not a fan of the cold or anything like that. I just enjoy the winter time. Lighting up the wood stove so that the house is warm enough to walk around in a t-shirt and bare feet...if I so choose. The hermiting is nice too, because of the cold, I just want to be in my own home...or maybe in a friends warm abode and sipping some nice herbal tea (or sipping wine...that also keeps me warm). I like the white and wonderful snow too...but not for as many months as it normally is around when living in the Prairies. I mean...nothing against the Prairies, I AM a huge and loyal fan of the beauty that is there. I just really enjoy the winters out here on the West Coast. The bright and rich greens that cover everything during the winter months is definitely something to behold. I remember my first year living in BC and being pleasantly surprised that there was no snow that day I arrived in late January. I had just driven out of Winnipeg two days earlier...leaving behind a whopping -27 degrees and the start of a blizzard. Highway #1 was killer that day...I lost sight of the road many times due to "white out". (I for sure do not miss those kind of driving conditions...SCARY!!!) That morning, on January 24, 2000, I drove from just east of Kamloops (stayed in a teeny roadside cabin that beckoned me off the road after a long day of mountain, snowy, scary driving) to Vancouver in an epic 4 hours. I was so excited to get to the final destination and a fresh new start in the life of Pam...West Coast Pam. ;o) It was actually +12 degrees in Vancouver that day. Pretty strange for the middle of winter...but what a delightful welcome. I was impressed by the green everywhere. It's January! What the heck...where is the snow man? I guess I left it all behind. Wow. I was definitely not used to it. And I also was not used to the wet weather that followed. It may be green and lush all winter long, and that is because of the rain that keeps coming down each and every single day. A lot of grey skies and rain drops in the winter out here. It took me a few years to get used to. +5 in January can feel like what -20 is like in good old Winnipeg. It's true what they say...that dampness gets right through you...into your bones. No parka will keep you warm when your body has it's inner thermometer set to a dry cold.

Well...now I really love it. Grey skies and all. I love going for walks on the beach or in the forest. I still feel the chill...but that is nothing a quick footed pace won't cure. Maggie really loves the forest walks. The soft dirt under her old and weary toes is so cushiony and soft. She actually gets to running when we are in the forest trails...her teeter totter run of course. Oh, old lady Maggie May...you breaka my heart! (in a good way of course...her cuteness can be overwhelming at times.) It was a chilly walk today...temperature is around -2...(time to get my wood stove fired up!) Anyhow, the green felt so fluorescent to me today. It was nice to do the forest loop walk and see all of the moss hanging from the trees, the salal and fern covered forest floor. Sooooo beautiful. Stop and smell the freshness! I didn't stop for too long as I needed to keep warm. But I managed to take a few pictures before needing to put my ice cold hand back in the warm pocket of my winter jacket. Maggie loves this weather...she sits out on the deck just taking in all of the scents this green winter wonderland has to offer.

 

 

So...where should we walk tomorrow? ;o)

The Arbutus is a mighty tree...Arbutus was a friend to me

I find it absolutely amazing, the presence that one animal can have in our lives. Of course, the ones that live in my home seem to have a great abundance of presence plus a huge slice of Pami heart...but it's even the "outsiders" that have a great affect on me. Pretty much any animal that I come across already has my full attention. I always allow them to take in my scent first...then I go in for the touch. The ear massage, back pat, belly rub, cheek to cheek...even face lick if they feel like it. (THEM licking, not me! ha ha) I am a lover of the animal...the pet...the four legged, 2 legged, winged or scaly creatures both great and small. I love them all.

Right now, my mind is on Arbutus...such a good boy. Handsome and proud, clever and trustworthy...Arbutus was the best of the best when it came to cool Hound Dogs. I met him a few years back when we first moved to Gabriola. What a fine dog he was. Sitting proudly in the front seat of his dad's big blue truck. Dashing old fella! Arbutus...perfect name. An Arbutus tree is an amazing and unique evergreen. The leaves are thick and waxy and dark emerald green...the leaves fall off as new ones regrow. It is ALWAYS green. It produces a cluster of small waxy, white flowers that have a sweet scent...they turn into red berries, that are supposedly edible...I've never tried. (Look up Emily Carr paintings and you will see her whimsical version of their majestic splendour.) Anyhow...it is an awesome tree...Arbutus was awesome too. 

When we moved into our current residence, Arbutus was our neighbour...well, the dog of our neighbours. ;o) (Best neighbours ever...and awesome friends!) In the beginning, he was quite non-chalant towards us. His owners advised us he was just a bit of a snob and would probably only want one thing from us...FOOD! We used to get the "Hey, who are you and what are you doing here?" barks from him when we would leave or come back home from elsewhere. Not too long later, he was coming over whenever he would notice a presence on our front deck. He would just start running over...not to say hi, but to get at Maggie's food. Of course. But I do know that deep down inside he loved the affection he received from Clint and I and Maggie and Wensday too. Our entire household loved Arbutus...his long wobbly legs, big jowls, shoestring saliva and determination to get snacks from all of us. 

One of my favourite Arbutus moments happened this past August. We went away on our cross country (half across country...BC to Pinawa, MB) adventure, camping through the mountains with Maggie May and enjoying the beautiful, ever changing landscapes that our huge country offers. Oh Canada...how I love thee! The three of us were gone for two weeks. Two weeks must seem like a pretty long time to a dog who ages 7 years each birthday...in my own calculations I come up with it being 182.5 days. That IS definitely quite a long time for someone to be on vacation for. And, supposedly each and everyday that we were away, Arbutus came over to the house looking for us...looking for food. ;op The day we arrived home and drove down our driveway, Arbutus saw our white car and made a bee line for us. It was really cute. He was old...almost 15...hence his wobbly legs. (his back legs walked a slow speed whilst his fronts were double timing it...so cute!) He ran so fast to our parked car that I thought for sure he was going to tumble head first right into it! I believe that this was the first time I knew, without a doubt, that Mr. Arbutus really loved us. It warmed my heart, and I was happy to be home and have him over for his daily visits.

Sweet old man howled his way to heaven this past Monday. It was time for him to leave his earthly body and move on up to the mansion in the sky...where biscuits are made out of T-Bone steaks and fresh water streams are in abundance. I am 100% sure that one of the toughest decisions to ever make is when you know that the right thing to do at the right time is to put your animal down. I feel animals are lucky in that sense. We can let them go with dignity...we can let them go before they lose all function and sense and spark for life. (as humans we can be completely deteriorated and be hooked up to a million machines that are "living" for us...and yet we still go on. That's a whole big debate and can of worms I don't even want to get into. I just think that it is nice that we have the ability to lovingly say goodbye to our best friends. I've had to do it a few times in life...it never gets easier. And that is how the mighty Arbutus went on Monday around supper time. I knew when the vet arrived, and I saw when he left. My heart was aching for my friends next door. For I knew the pain and heartache that they were experiencing. If Clint and I were shedding tears...I could only imagine the rivers that were flowing 100 feet over. Such a good mom and dad they were to Arbutus. He was a lucky ducky to live in a loving and warm home. Minutes after the vet drove away the wind picked up in our little "fishbowl" that our homes are situated in. Wind so strong, picking up leaves and swaying the trees with a strength so magnificent...in an instant, it was calm. I know that was Arbutus saying good-bye. He was good that way. I miss him. 

 Familiar sight...Arbutus at our door. ;o)           
   











We got Arbutus into our car one day and brought him to the beach...we had a fun time. So did Arbie!

Yesterday when I was leaving the house and walking to the car I almost stepped in a big old piece of poo...Arbutus poo. What made my little heart melt was the fact that his huge footprint was left in it. :o) Oh Arbutus...you will be dearly missed. RIP good buddy! xox

(dedicated to Trevor and G...I love you guys!)

Me, my camera and Daisy Blythe.

I guess I still play with dolls...it is something that I have always had fun doing. Growing up, as most little girls, I was given dollies to play with...baby dolls, ballerina dolls, dolls that can walk, dolls that can drink water from a bottle a pee or cry, Cabbage Patch dolls, Barbie dolls, handmade dolls and even porcelain dolls. I think they are cool. And part of me still believes that dolls and even stuffed animals are "alive". I mean, I am not crazy, I don't ACTUALLY think that they have thoughts or dreams or feelings...in reality. But, in my childlike imaginative (which I pray exists forever) part of the brain...I really do. I used to say goodnight to each of my stuffed animals, individually. Well, the ones that would be out in the open of my bedroom. For a while, I had my brother's old twin bed in my bedroom after he was given my parents old queen bed when they made the big upgrad to a king. (I always thought it was way too big of a bed...all the while enjoying the fact that the whole family could be on it watching TV early Saturday mornings. Now, I would totally buy a king size, if we had the room and extra $$. Funny how things change...anyways...) I had a good sized bedroom, so I liked having the extra bed in there. I mostly used it to keep all of my stuffed animals on. I had them in nice rows, depending on size and shape and softness. When friends spent the night for a sleepover, all of the animals were thrown into a pile on the bottom of my closet floor. I would kind of feel bad when they got "sentenced" to the dark closet...like as if they thought that I was punishing them or something. "Why is Pami being so cruel to us? What did we do to deserve being locked away? Who is that sleeping on our cozy bed?" Ha ha ha! :op Well, when they lived for the few years they did, sprawled out on my spare bed, each and every one of them got a "goodnight" from me. If they had a name, I'd even say "Goodnight Donna." (my plush deer w/ big eyelashes...I still have her.) "Goodnight Agnes." (my Cabbage Patch...yup, have her too.) I just wanted them to feel special...I felt everyone needed to feel special in one way or another, so why not the things that made me happy.  I mean these guys played with me whenever I wanted...day or night they were there for me! ;o)

Anyhow...last night, I was looking for my bag of felt...I was feeling creative. In my search, I found my Blythe doll. My Omi bought the doll, for herself, a long time ago...I guess I get my love of dolls from someone else. The Blythe doll usually lived in the spare room at Omi's...I played with her every time I was there. Sometimes, I would hunt her down just to watch her change her eye colour...ba-link (orange), ba-link (green), ba-link (pink), ba-link (blue)...so cool! When I was about 20, my Omi asked me if I would like to take the doll to my own home, seeing that I was so uberly obsessed with her. I love her...I call her Daisy. When searching for her last night, I knew that I had placed her in a box somewhere that was either stored in the house or in the crawlspace...she was in a box, in a closet with soft things, for safety. ;o) So today, Daisy came for a "Drumbeg" walk with Maggie, Clint, "Little Baby dolly", me and my camera. (Little Baby dolly was also a doll that my Omi had at her place. I don't know if she was my mom or my Aunt's doll. I just know I played with her too. I put the silver tinsel thing around her waist when I was 11 years old...I though it gave her felt dress pizazz.) I also brought along what I felted last night...perfect dolly beach blanket for a cool, windy grey day at the beach.

Look at the big ol' blues! Daisy knows how to work her angles. It was quite a windy day out on the beach...hair always going in her eyes. She's a trooper.

I was able to capture Little Baby off in the distance. She was dreaming of the coming summer and going sailing through the Gabriola Passage. She is also there for moral support to Daisy as she can get camera shy.

Ba-link! She goes pink.

The dress she is wearing is an Omi original...tailored specifically for Daisy Blythe. That was back in about 1988!

She takes a break under her new beach blanket.

Little Baby getting her feet wet..."maybe I should try modeling!" she says. (only I heard heard her say it.)

Wow...Daisy, your eyes are so green! That was a good ba-link idea. 

All righty. My fingers are nearly frozen. You look tired...your eyes are orange...maybe it's time to go home. Do NOT eat that mushroom Daisy! This is not Wonderland...hee hee!

I had a good time walking the beach and forest with Maggie and Clint...and my dolls. A friend walked by with some visitors while I was down on the water's edge, shooting pics of a couple of dolls...awkward! He thought it was funny, like, ha ha ha, you are weird Pam. But he liked my Blythe doll...he liked her blinky eyes. I do too. I am glad I still like dolls. ;o)

Oh anxiety...how I love thee...NOT!

I hate being an anxious person. The littlest thing can bring about massive waves of uncontrollable stomach flops, sleepless nights and worry, worry, worry on the brain. Take a deep breath in...let it out sloooooowly. The steps to recover from an anxiety attack or even just plain worried anxiety are simple and quite easy to remember. I know it all. I know how to calm my mind, slow my breathing and distract my mind from the thoughts that are manipulating my day. So then, why do I allow myself to be in such a state of worry? Let go and let be. Simple.

Ack! I am the type of person who needs to have control...control of what is happening day to day and control of my future. At present, I feel out of control and it is killing me. (insert deep breath here) In the four years that we have been lucky enough to call this perfect island home, we have lived in four different places. And as of this very moment, are looking for our 5th home. (Landlord is putting our place on zee market) So, we have to move. I accepted the news quite graciously when we were told back in November...the 4 month grace of "you have to get out...sorry" from our landlord. He is our friend and I do not feel anything negative towards him. He is doing what he needs to and it's all good. Realistically, this home is a wee bit small for us and our art emporium. Clint really needs studio space to work in...not our kitchen/livingroom/diningroom. It would be absolutely fantastic if we could once again be in a home that had a detached studio. Most ideal situation that would be. We have found that kind of place twice while living out here...fingers crossed that we will find it again. But, this whole "searching" process is what kills me. I am fine with packing all of my belongings and making the big move...it's the "where the heck are we going to live?" thing that gets to me.

I actually like looking at new places. It's fun to walk through a home and imagine your stuff in there...how you would set it up and have your art on the walls, knick knacks on cool window ledges and plants in nice bright windows. I find it a little exciting. I also love seeing how others decorate...IF they do. And it's cool to see different properties on the island. There are some sweet spots with amazing views or neat little forest groves with a sweet home tucked in the midst of all the fabulous green. But then I also spend time imagining and dreaming of the property actually being mine and the landscaping I would do to the outside world of the home. Man, it would be nice to have the means to actually buy...property prices seem at an all time low right now too. Still, BC is an expensive province to buy in. (Oh Manitoba, how I sometimes miss thee and your affordable homes and properties!) Whatevs...we live on an island surrounded by the mighty ocean...I am happy where I am and feel lucky to be here. Even if we will forever be renters! lol

The magic of looking at new homes to rent is wearing off right quick this time. The places that are for rent, in our price range right now are nothing to write home about. And I am shocked that these places are asking for such high rent, all things considered. Like, for instance, the across the street from the ocean place. I google mapped it so that we could see what the outside of the place looked like before we drove down the hill to see it. HUGE porch looking out onto the waters...perfect! Clint and I got into the car to do a drive by and look through the windows (nobody lives in it at present) and check out the property. Landlady said the yard was beautifully landscaped and had lots of green space. The house is practically on the road, some shrubs in the front yard between the house and street...the backyard must be where it is at. Nope. Tiny little yard with some big old cedar trees and a fire pit. I couldn't even see remnants of last seasons flowers that she said were all over the place. (whatever, I can plant some flowers) Walking around the outside of the house you can see and smell the rotting of the old wooded cabin...makes me wonder about mold on the inside. Looking through the windows just made my heart sink deeper...this home, across the street from the beautiful ocean, with the awesome deck to sit on and enjoy summer days and nights...it's nothing to write home about. I mean, if I were 20 and moving out with my friend, I would probably think it was great. "it just needs some love and paint" I would say to my soon to be roommate. But as an "adult", I am like "way too old to live like that." One bedroom looks to be about 7'X8', with no closet...second bedroom looks a little bigger, but still not big enough for our bedroom furniture. We would probably have to set up our bedroom in the living room. Lame. The ceilings look to be about 7' high. The flooring...a mix of linoleum, old Berber and other remnants of other kinds of flooring that I am not sure about. But, it's only $800! I phoned the very nice lady and told her from looking through the windows it appears to be too small for us as we had already gotten rid of stuff when we moved into this place. She offered to lower the rent...that doesn't make a difference...again, I am too old to live like that. Is it wrong for me to want a nice, clean and warm home? No, it's not. Argh! Another place we looked at yesterday was even worse...you could see the mold on the carpets through the windows and the stains on the floor...I don't even want to know what those stains were! Ewwwwwwww!

This is where my anxiety comes on strong. I know that we will find a good place, eventually...hopefully a home that we can live in for at least a few years...this process is killing me! But hey, it keeps me on my toes! Well, I best start packing...I do got to get that done regardless of any home hunting we do today. DEEP BREATH!! lol

Can this be our new home?? ha ha...just need to move way south! 

Here we go again

Another new year...another bright future to look forward to. Like me, I know that probably about 99% of the world's population thinks about resolutions, or at least what they need to work on in this new year...a new birth of life. In a way, I love that this is a similar trait in people. I think that it is a beautiful feeling to have the concept of a new year being about new beginnings. So simple, yet so much impact.  And for real, how else could we ever live with ourselves or others if it were not so? We would hold on to grudges, self loathing would be rampant for the "bad" things we have done in the past, we could never live things down. The prospect of a new year is fabulous. Forget about the crap you endured last year, forget about any ill feelings you have towards a friend, neighbour, family member or even political figure head. Everyone gets a fresh start...EVERYONE...if I do, then so do you. ;o)

AS I always do, I made some blunders in 2011. I am not perfect. I let things get to me that didn't need to. I said hurtful things to loved ones. I hurt myself by taking things others did or said to me personally. I didn't pay enough attention to the people that I love so dearly. I am sure I swore too much too...I sometimes have a wee bit of a sailors mouth. THAT is one thing I definitely want to change. I like to sound like a lady...not a bad a*# trucker! lol I want to be more attentive to those things that do pick at me throughout the day. I want to be more attentive to my husband, my friends, my family. I want to easily forgive those that may or may not know that they offended me...be like a duck and shake it off. I want to not let my claws out when I feel under attack for whatever reason. I was like that as a teenager...back up instantly, just ready for a fight...it is something I have worked on for years. 2011 was a bit of a year of being 15 again...in not so good of a way. I am all for being youthful and being silly and just having fun...but acting like a kid not getting their way or not even listening to what is REALLY being said is definitely not who I want to be. I know that it is easy for things to get out of hand if we allow things to. I swear it is just as easy to not. We all have our own individual way of life...the way we live it and the way we act and react in it and towards others. It is the reaction to those around us where we need to be most attentive. Live and let live. Love and let love. LOVE being the key word in it all. When I love, I need to fully love...unconditionally. And that should be to every single person in my life. If I know you, I want you to know that I love you. And not just cause I told you so. I want you to feel my love for you. Know that I am genuinely happy to know you and have you in my life. That is the woman I want to be. That is the person I want to be known for. "That Pam...she is such a loving person." To be a fly on the wall and hear those words would make my heart glow. So...I feel I really got to make that happen. I do love a challenge! ;o)

2012 is going to be an amazing year...for all. I can feel it. Spread the love...maybe that can be the latest disease. I am so full of love...I got a fever!! hee hee hee I wish to everyone a very happy and fabulous 2012...may it be filled with love, joy, peace and laughter.

Cheers to new beginnings!!!