Oh anxiety...how I love thee...NOT!

I hate being an anxious person. The littlest thing can bring about massive waves of uncontrollable stomach flops, sleepless nights and worry, worry, worry on the brain. Take a deep breath in...let it out sloooooowly. The steps to recover from an anxiety attack or even just plain worried anxiety are simple and quite easy to remember. I know it all. I know how to calm my mind, slow my breathing and distract my mind from the thoughts that are manipulating my day. So then, why do I allow myself to be in such a state of worry? Let go and let be. Simple.

Ack! I am the type of person who needs to have control...control of what is happening day to day and control of my future. At present, I feel out of control and it is killing me. (insert deep breath here) In the four years that we have been lucky enough to call this perfect island home, we have lived in four different places. And as of this very moment, are looking for our 5th home. (Landlord is putting our place on zee market) So, we have to move. I accepted the news quite graciously when we were told back in November...the 4 month grace of "you have to get out...sorry" from our landlord. He is our friend and I do not feel anything negative towards him. He is doing what he needs to and it's all good. Realistically, this home is a wee bit small for us and our art emporium. Clint really needs studio space to work in...not our kitchen/livingroom/diningroom. It would be absolutely fantastic if we could once again be in a home that had a detached studio. Most ideal situation that would be. We have found that kind of place twice while living out here...fingers crossed that we will find it again. But, this whole "searching" process is what kills me. I am fine with packing all of my belongings and making the big move...it's the "where the heck are we going to live?" thing that gets to me.

I actually like looking at new places. It's fun to walk through a home and imagine your stuff in there...how you would set it up and have your art on the walls, knick knacks on cool window ledges and plants in nice bright windows. I find it a little exciting. I also love seeing how others decorate...IF they do. And it's cool to see different properties on the island. There are some sweet spots with amazing views or neat little forest groves with a sweet home tucked in the midst of all the fabulous green. But then I also spend time imagining and dreaming of the property actually being mine and the landscaping I would do to the outside world of the home. Man, it would be nice to have the means to actually buy...property prices seem at an all time low right now too. Still, BC is an expensive province to buy in. (Oh Manitoba, how I sometimes miss thee and your affordable homes and properties!) Whatevs...we live on an island surrounded by the mighty ocean...I am happy where I am and feel lucky to be here. Even if we will forever be renters! lol

The magic of looking at new homes to rent is wearing off right quick this time. The places that are for rent, in our price range right now are nothing to write home about. And I am shocked that these places are asking for such high rent, all things considered. Like, for instance, the across the street from the ocean place. I google mapped it so that we could see what the outside of the place looked like before we drove down the hill to see it. HUGE porch looking out onto the waters...perfect! Clint and I got into the car to do a drive by and look through the windows (nobody lives in it at present) and check out the property. Landlady said the yard was beautifully landscaped and had lots of green space. The house is practically on the road, some shrubs in the front yard between the house and street...the backyard must be where it is at. Nope. Tiny little yard with some big old cedar trees and a fire pit. I couldn't even see remnants of last seasons flowers that she said were all over the place. (whatever, I can plant some flowers) Walking around the outside of the house you can see and smell the rotting of the old wooded cabin...makes me wonder about mold on the inside. Looking through the windows just made my heart sink deeper...this home, across the street from the beautiful ocean, with the awesome deck to sit on and enjoy summer days and nights...it's nothing to write home about. I mean, if I were 20 and moving out with my friend, I would probably think it was great. "it just needs some love and paint" I would say to my soon to be roommate. But as an "adult", I am like "way too old to live like that." One bedroom looks to be about 7'X8', with no closet...second bedroom looks a little bigger, but still not big enough for our bedroom furniture. We would probably have to set up our bedroom in the living room. Lame. The ceilings look to be about 7' high. The flooring...a mix of linoleum, old Berber and other remnants of other kinds of flooring that I am not sure about. But, it's only $800! I phoned the very nice lady and told her from looking through the windows it appears to be too small for us as we had already gotten rid of stuff when we moved into this place. She offered to lower the rent...that doesn't make a difference...again, I am too old to live like that. Is it wrong for me to want a nice, clean and warm home? No, it's not. Argh! Another place we looked at yesterday was even worse...you could see the mold on the carpets through the windows and the stains on the floor...I don't even want to know what those stains were! Ewwwwwwww!

This is where my anxiety comes on strong. I know that we will find a good place, eventually...hopefully a home that we can live in for at least a few years...this process is killing me! But hey, it keeps me on my toes! Well, I best start packing...I do got to get that done regardless of any home hunting we do today. DEEP BREATH!! lol

Can this be our new home?? ha ha...just need to move way south!