Ode to Isolation

(Well...to be honest I ain't entirely sure on the definition of what an "Ode" actually consists of...lines/verse/prose...what have you. It's just pretty much my feelings at the moment wrapped up in a neat little easy to read platform. All is good of course...just my way of letting it out of me so that I can move on.) 

My eyes usually open before I am done my dreams
I get out of bed in a lucid state and a sweaty body
Am I home or not is usually the first question I ask myself
I feel this is home…well this province WAS my birthplace
This "home" we are living in is just a house to live in
Life doesn't feel real these past few months…as though in a dream
Is this the reason for my constant lucid awakenings…am I asleep
Each day is the same as the 24 hours just gone by the 24 hours previous to that
I break from typing to scratch the new mosquito bite on my left calf…itchy
Each morning I walk out the front door as I let Larry to chill outside
There really is no chilling, per se…it is hotter than the gates of hell on that deck
But I breathe in that thick, hot air and listen to the cranes flying over the pasture
I hear all of the chirping of various sweet little birdies…I love their tunes
I love the way the crickets and grasshoppers accompany the music in my ears
I love that big, blue with fluffy white cloud sky that surrounds my upper peripheral
Encompassing me each moment I am outdoors…not too many tall trees around
Not too many anything around these parts out here in the middle of no man's land
I take back the words "I don't mind isolation"…for I really had no clue
Spending time alone is something I crave each day…I like the silence
But…when all you have is yourself, the alone becomes your shackle
Tying you to yourself, your thoughts, your identity, your longing for friendships
I am not a hermit…I admit being wrong…I am a vibrantly coloured social butterfly
The colours are fading along with my zeal for happiness
How could this be? This is not me…I'm no longer free…This I now see
My sadness comes out in lashes…oh poor Clint…I know you hate it too
Hard to be the "optimistic one" when you just want to run back home
The home I loved for the past 6 years…I left my friends there…stupid me
I was searching for health to bring me happiness…screw my health
I want to live in pain if it means I live with peace in my heart
Daily greetings with smiles and hugs to fill my day
My heart is torn…here: family love…there: friend love
More than just friend love…nature love, ocean love, island love
My love that I wanted everyone else to experience in visits to see us
Family makes my heart sing like a mezzo soprano to a full house at the concert hall
The smiles and warm hugs of my sweetie ones take my breath away
Oh joy joy joy joy bliss…it streams right out of them into my heart
If only that strong sensation took away my pain
Whine, sob, wallow in the mire of that very same pain
The pain envelopes me more than the prairie sky in an open harvested field
I need to locate a great sunflower field STAT…run through the yellow towers
Find some joy and laughter throughout that sun drenched field of beauty
Something has to save me…save me from my misery
I'll try to keep smiling…for Clint…he is my greatest love…my true passion
"We got to get out of this place…if it's the last thing we ever do"
Confusing having two homes in separate places
Which place do you choose…do you only get the one choice
The choice was made…plan set in motion…that's ancient history
Well…for now it is what it is…we are where we are
We've got to keep on keeping on
With a smile on our faces of course…even if just for show
CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE!!!

Livin' in the Sticks!

The sun shines bright and hot each and every morning…the heat punches you (softly) in the face when you walk out the front door. Some mornings the herd of cows are across the street in the pasture…mooing and grazing and hiding in the patch of trees searching for shade, reprieve from the sun. Their tails constantly swishing the flies away. They are pretty darn cute I must say. There are about 60 of them…including about 20 little calves. I cross the empty gravel road in hopes that perhaps this morning they will come to the fence and greet me…my voice must be starting to sound familiar. As I approach the gate they walk away…sometimes the little ones will run. Like what do they think I am going to do to them? I speak in a soft, calming and loving tone…don't they see me holding delicious greens in my hand? Some of them are dark brown, some light brown and there are a few that are tan coloured…they are my favourite! (never seen cows that colouring before…unique and beautiful)

Today is a breezy morning. I have not heard the cows across the road…they must be up pasture, near the creek. The line of poplars surrounding the 3 acres that our home is on are swaying with the cool breeze that last nights storm brought in. I hear their leaves rustling in the wind and I watch the sun dance on the beautiful lime green "feathers" on each branch. The sky is a soft blue and the big fluffy puffy white clouds are just streaming by. Is that a big fat duck in the sky? Maybe a mushroom? The cloud in the prairies are the mountains here…but they are ever changing their shapes and colour. Pure white, grey, dark grey and looming…sometimes they look like sand ripples in the sky. And they just go on and on and on. You can see them forever. I love that. It is so beautiful to me. Reminds me of childhood…lying in the freshly mowed soft green grass in my backyard…staring up into the wild blue yonder watching all the animals and ships and strange shapes float on by. Happiness.

The skunk and the fox that live in the area are pretty cute too. Foxes are such lonely sad creatures…I never knew this. He…or she is always crying and just roaming between our property and our neighbours (the real farmer). The first morning that I heard him I was worried that one of the farmers cats had been attacked by the pack of coyotes that I hear some nights out in the fields. I heard this strange wailing sound…it was 6 am. I got out of bed and stood on the back deck scanning the area for where the sound was coming from. That's when I saw the cartoon like red tail with white tip running around that flower bed…a fox! So cute! He must be also wanting to get a taste for one of the farmers feral cats.  I know Larry loves to chase the cats from next door. They are far too quick for him though…thankfully. I do not know what Larry would even do if he did catch them. I feel like he is just chasing them out of HIS yard. He is protective of his property. He just loves it here. I can't stop him when he chases the cats…he ignores my calls. But when he starts after the fox or the skunk…he seems to get why my voice is a bit more shrill in my call. One…I do not want to deal with the hurt a fox could put on him, plus the vet bill! ;op Secondly…I am not into bathing dogs in tomato juice to rid of the obnoxious "perfume" the skunk will spray out on his cute face. Skunks are funny creatures too. She is young, quite small still. Walks into the yard only following the perimeter of the house then runs across the yard to the garage where she then again follows the perimeter of that building to the fence then all along the fence. She was within 6 feet of Larry and I and never once looked up to pay notice to either of us. I was calmly telling Larry to keep back while she just sniffed her way to where she was heading. She too is VERY cute! Larry seems to understand that her and the little fox are different animals…he must smell their "wild". That is definitely a VERY good thing!

Living out in the sticks is quiet, peaceful, exciting at times, lovely and just plain perfect in so many ways…but it's also isolating and lonely too. I felt that Gabriola was a rural place to live. Compared to here it is an island metropolis…events and functions, a bustling downtown and people everywhere that know my name and I know theirs. And if I didn't want to be around people or events…I could easily hide too…the hermit Pami inside of me does like solitude also. Here…well, we are 7 kms down a dusty gravel road (that I suspect is killing the integrity of our van) from the town of Fraserwood. A rural Manitoba town. The one store is the "General Store"…selling food staples, wine, liquor, meat, the post office is in there, they have a gas pump too. Across the street from there is the "Tourist Hotel" ($25 a night for a room!!) which has a nice little cafe and a pub on the ground level. The first Friday of each month is Karaoke…so you know where to find me those nights!! lol We went July 5th…what a hoot! It happened to be the one night of the year that the Cadet camp kids come to the bar…so they packed the joint. (I swear some of them must've been about 16…they looked like babies! hee hee) The locals came out too which was fun…a woman who sang just like Patsy Cline, real cowboys wearing their hats and one dude even had his spurs on. It was VERY interesting to say the least. I rocked the house of course…and I am sure I shocked the heck out of them as the "singing one armed woman!" It does seem like a nice community…but I never see any of them living way out here in the sticks. I may not be the "rural" woman that I thought I could be. I think I am more of just a small community woman…I don't want the city, but I do need people. So…a move will happen sooner than later I am sure! Ugh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!!

Oh wait…I didn't mention the Buffalo that live up the road from us. I like them too! Although…the one day that we passed them and they were hanging out near the fence, I made Clint pull over so I could get a good photo. As I approached them they all moved away about 30 feet and all started to defecate. Yup…I made them all poo and pee their pants!! ha ha! I am clearly not the Buffalo Whisperer! ;o)

But, for now I am Farmer Pam. Just Living in the Sticks!