Ode to Isolation

(Well...to be honest I ain't entirely sure on the definition of what an "Ode" actually consists of...lines/verse/prose...what have you. It's just pretty much my feelings at the moment wrapped up in a neat little easy to read platform. All is good of course...just my way of letting it out of me so that I can move on.) 

My eyes usually open before I am done my dreams
I get out of bed in a lucid state and a sweaty body
Am I home or not is usually the first question I ask myself
I feel this is home…well this province WAS my birthplace
This "home" we are living in is just a house to live in
Life doesn't feel real these past few months…as though in a dream
Is this the reason for my constant lucid awakenings…am I asleep
Each day is the same as the 24 hours just gone by the 24 hours previous to that
I break from typing to scratch the new mosquito bite on my left calf…itchy
Each morning I walk out the front door as I let Larry to chill outside
There really is no chilling, per se…it is hotter than the gates of hell on that deck
But I breathe in that thick, hot air and listen to the cranes flying over the pasture
I hear all of the chirping of various sweet little birdies…I love their tunes
I love the way the crickets and grasshoppers accompany the music in my ears
I love that big, blue with fluffy white cloud sky that surrounds my upper peripheral
Encompassing me each moment I am outdoors…not too many tall trees around
Not too many anything around these parts out here in the middle of no man's land
I take back the words "I don't mind isolation"…for I really had no clue
Spending time alone is something I crave each day…I like the silence
But…when all you have is yourself, the alone becomes your shackle
Tying you to yourself, your thoughts, your identity, your longing for friendships
I am not a hermit…I admit being wrong…I am a vibrantly coloured social butterfly
The colours are fading along with my zeal for happiness
How could this be? This is not me…I'm no longer free…This I now see
My sadness comes out in lashes…oh poor Clint…I know you hate it too
Hard to be the "optimistic one" when you just want to run back home
The home I loved for the past 6 years…I left my friends there…stupid me
I was searching for health to bring me happiness…screw my health
I want to live in pain if it means I live with peace in my heart
Daily greetings with smiles and hugs to fill my day
My heart is torn…here: family love…there: friend love
More than just friend love…nature love, ocean love, island love
My love that I wanted everyone else to experience in visits to see us
Family makes my heart sing like a mezzo soprano to a full house at the concert hall
The smiles and warm hugs of my sweetie ones take my breath away
Oh joy joy joy joy bliss…it streams right out of them into my heart
If only that strong sensation took away my pain
Whine, sob, wallow in the mire of that very same pain
The pain envelopes me more than the prairie sky in an open harvested field
I need to locate a great sunflower field STAT…run through the yellow towers
Find some joy and laughter throughout that sun drenched field of beauty
Something has to save me…save me from my misery
I'll try to keep smiling…for Clint…he is my greatest love…my true passion
"We got to get out of this place…if it's the last thing we ever do"
Confusing having two homes in separate places
Which place do you choose…do you only get the one choice
The choice was made…plan set in motion…that's ancient history
Well…for now it is what it is…we are where we are
We've got to keep on keeping on
With a smile on our faces of course…even if just for show
CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE!!!

Livin' in the Sticks!

The sun shines bright and hot each and every morning…the heat punches you (softly) in the face when you walk out the front door. Some mornings the herd of cows are across the street in the pasture…mooing and grazing and hiding in the patch of trees searching for shade, reprieve from the sun. Their tails constantly swishing the flies away. They are pretty darn cute I must say. There are about 60 of them…including about 20 little calves. I cross the empty gravel road in hopes that perhaps this morning they will come to the fence and greet me…my voice must be starting to sound familiar. As I approach the gate they walk away…sometimes the little ones will run. Like what do they think I am going to do to them? I speak in a soft, calming and loving tone…don't they see me holding delicious greens in my hand? Some of them are dark brown, some light brown and there are a few that are tan coloured…they are my favourite! (never seen cows that colouring before…unique and beautiful)

Today is a breezy morning. I have not heard the cows across the road…they must be up pasture, near the creek. The line of poplars surrounding the 3 acres that our home is on are swaying with the cool breeze that last nights storm brought in. I hear their leaves rustling in the wind and I watch the sun dance on the beautiful lime green "feathers" on each branch. The sky is a soft blue and the big fluffy puffy white clouds are just streaming by. Is that a big fat duck in the sky? Maybe a mushroom? The cloud in the prairies are the mountains here…but they are ever changing their shapes and colour. Pure white, grey, dark grey and looming…sometimes they look like sand ripples in the sky. And they just go on and on and on. You can see them forever. I love that. It is so beautiful to me. Reminds me of childhood…lying in the freshly mowed soft green grass in my backyard…staring up into the wild blue yonder watching all the animals and ships and strange shapes float on by. Happiness.

The skunk and the fox that live in the area are pretty cute too. Foxes are such lonely sad creatures…I never knew this. He…or she is always crying and just roaming between our property and our neighbours (the real farmer). The first morning that I heard him I was worried that one of the farmers cats had been attacked by the pack of coyotes that I hear some nights out in the fields. I heard this strange wailing sound…it was 6 am. I got out of bed and stood on the back deck scanning the area for where the sound was coming from. That's when I saw the cartoon like red tail with white tip running around that flower bed…a fox! So cute! He must be also wanting to get a taste for one of the farmers feral cats.  I know Larry loves to chase the cats from next door. They are far too quick for him though…thankfully. I do not know what Larry would even do if he did catch them. I feel like he is just chasing them out of HIS yard. He is protective of his property. He just loves it here. I can't stop him when he chases the cats…he ignores my calls. But when he starts after the fox or the skunk…he seems to get why my voice is a bit more shrill in my call. One…I do not want to deal with the hurt a fox could put on him, plus the vet bill! ;op Secondly…I am not into bathing dogs in tomato juice to rid of the obnoxious "perfume" the skunk will spray out on his cute face. Skunks are funny creatures too. She is young, quite small still. Walks into the yard only following the perimeter of the house then runs across the yard to the garage where she then again follows the perimeter of that building to the fence then all along the fence. She was within 6 feet of Larry and I and never once looked up to pay notice to either of us. I was calmly telling Larry to keep back while she just sniffed her way to where she was heading. She too is VERY cute! Larry seems to understand that her and the little fox are different animals…he must smell their "wild". That is definitely a VERY good thing!

Living out in the sticks is quiet, peaceful, exciting at times, lovely and just plain perfect in so many ways…but it's also isolating and lonely too. I felt that Gabriola was a rural place to live. Compared to here it is an island metropolis…events and functions, a bustling downtown and people everywhere that know my name and I know theirs. And if I didn't want to be around people or events…I could easily hide too…the hermit Pami inside of me does like solitude also. Here…well, we are 7 kms down a dusty gravel road (that I suspect is killing the integrity of our van) from the town of Fraserwood. A rural Manitoba town. The one store is the "General Store"…selling food staples, wine, liquor, meat, the post office is in there, they have a gas pump too. Across the street from there is the "Tourist Hotel" ($25 a night for a room!!) which has a nice little cafe and a pub on the ground level. The first Friday of each month is Karaoke…so you know where to find me those nights!! lol We went July 5th…what a hoot! It happened to be the one night of the year that the Cadet camp kids come to the bar…so they packed the joint. (I swear some of them must've been about 16…they looked like babies! hee hee) The locals came out too which was fun…a woman who sang just like Patsy Cline, real cowboys wearing their hats and one dude even had his spurs on. It was VERY interesting to say the least. I rocked the house of course…and I am sure I shocked the heck out of them as the "singing one armed woman!" It does seem like a nice community…but I never see any of them living way out here in the sticks. I may not be the "rural" woman that I thought I could be. I think I am more of just a small community woman…I don't want the city, but I do need people. So…a move will happen sooner than later I am sure! Ugh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!!

Oh wait…I didn't mention the Buffalo that live up the road from us. I like them too! Although…the one day that we passed them and they were hanging out near the fence, I made Clint pull over so I could get a good photo. As I approached them they all moved away about 30 feet and all started to defecate. Yup…I made them all poo and pee their pants!! ha ha! I am clearly not the Buffalo Whisperer! ;o)

But, for now I am Farmer Pam. Just Living in the Sticks!

Trails, Trials and Tribulations...

What a journey the last few months have been…preparing and then leaving home where we were incredibly happy but with it's share of physical problems making the move out east the decision to be made. Going away parties…tears, laughter, love and many many hugs and kisses were had during the time of "leaving". Knowing for 6 months that you are leaving home is a long set of goodbyes and heartache…like ripping a very sticky Elasto-Plast band aid super slowly off. It was hard, heart breaking and stressful to say the very least. I was in a constant feeling of complete overwhelming mental and emotional breakdown status…like somebody hospitalize me quickly before I lose my mind, kind of deal. Not to mention the fact that each time I gave something away to a friend and explained where and why I got it in the first place...it felt as though I were doling out my worldly possessions before I leave to enter the after life. Very strange feeling indeed. But we got through it all, with all of the love and support from our Gabriola family and left our little paradise island on May 27th. The trek out east was epic, to say the least. We stayed with family and friends and the Country Inn in Regina (I would actually recommend this hotel if you have to stay in Regina…it was nice and clean and incredibly comfortable.) all along the way. We landed at Camp Morton campground on June 1st. (Marilyn Munroe and Syder the cat's b-day) It was a sunny and beautiful day. Our friend Ken loaned us his tent trailer so that we could have a "temporary home" instead of just a tent…I don't think I could have handled the tent situation. A tent trailer is pretty chic for camping I must say. We don't have power or water or anything…but we have four walls that for the last 24 hours have kept us high and dry in the Manitoba Spring rain.

This is a most gorgeous place to be situated I must say. We are right on the banks of the western shore of Lake Winnipeg…perfect for watching the beautiful sun rise over the lake! Sun comes up about 4:50am…at least it did the other morning when I woke up in time to walk down to the waters edge and gaze upon the beauty that was before me. During the week we have the whole campground to ourselves (besides some fishermen that park and go down to the beach to catch pickerel and whitefish) ad enjoy the peace and quiet and tranquility of the lake. We are surrounded by Oak and Birch trees…many different birds; Yellow Finch, Purple Martin, other little songbirds, Seagulls, Eagles, Pelicans and Crows. And yeah, I tell the crows to get lost when they are trying to snatch the baby birds from their parents. The birds are digging my help..I know it! ;o) There are cool trails of soft green grass and lime coloured fresh leaves on the Birch trees above head. Walks along the beach that could take you weeks to go up the shore line…Lake Winnipeg is approximately 25,000 square kilometres…it's big! We walk up the beach for about and hour and find beach glass and cool rocks and stones and even a fossil or two. I am really enjoying the nature part of this new adventure…that is for sure. So much to enjoy and love. And it is all so very nostalgic to the both of us. Childhood memories of mind and olfactory senses play a big role in day to day life here. We love it!

I enjoy camping…think it is great fun and just love being outdoors. But the fact that I have no idea when it will end as we have nowhere to go home too is starting to weigh VERY heavily on my heart and mind. I went to bed crying last night and woke up the same way. We are essentially homeless…it is not a good feeling at all. I sure am glad that I have always been friendly and loving towards the homeless on the streets. This is a lonely and isolating experience. We have each other and of course Larry and Wensday too…and that makes it easier just to have our little family all together. Enduring the same struggle day to day. I feel bad for Clint desperately looking for work. At 41 it's hard to be unemployed and feeling like you are not able to contribute financially to life. I have faith in him…I know he will find something good and will be great at it. He has a great work ethic and does the very best he can…just hoping there are some doors that will open soon for him too. I can not even imagine the stress that he is feeling right now. And there is nothing I can do but support him and love him the best I can.

I know that things will fall into place eventually…but when you are at rock bottom, as they say…it's hard to look up and see the light. It seems like the doors and windows have been closed on us and no light can come in to help us live and grow. But that is just the "woe is me" girl in me speaking. It's the depression of leaving everything behind, feeling regretful about doing so and then feeling as though we are completely alone. I know this is all not true. I just keep reminding myself of that as to not be sent to Selkirk to the asylum! For there are days when I feel I may actually lose my mind.

I have been uplifted twice by visits from my family…nieces and nephews and siblings. Thank you guys for making the effort and taking the time to drive up here to see us and welcome us home. It really means the world to us…in ways you may not even comprehend. Just to feel loved and welcomed right now goes a long way. Playing in the water this past weekend with the kids was rejuvenating and wonderful. The sun so hot…the water refreshing…the sand warm under our feet and malleable to make our sand mermaid. What a fun day that was.

So…here's to the future…our future in Manitoba. May you be bright, warm and open up for us to come in and become part of this world once again. 

To Be Overwhelmed or Not To Be...

You know when there are millions of things in your brain that you must accomplish or tackle or prepare or whatever...those times when you wish your brain could just be silent for a few moments...but it can't...or it won't. Whatever the case may be, it is so easy to get lost in all of that and lose focus and become incredibly overwhelmed. Now, take that brain chaos and add in a little bit of emotional turmoil and there you have the beginnings of what could be a breakdown...mental and emotional. I guess you also have to combine the fast paced world we live in that just keeps spinning out of control...ugh. No wonder people lose their minds and go off the deep end. I am teetering on that diving board right now...and it's freaking me out. (even though I LOVE to swim!)

Life is so crazy...pretty much all of the time. Crazy good, crazy bad, crazy scary, crazy happy, crazy sad, crazy hilarious...you get the point. I love the crazy. I really do. I am sure life would be quite boring without all of that added into the mix. Keeps our minds working and lessons a learnin'. I am not sure yet of the lessons that I am going to learn from these past few and coming months...but it'd better be good! ha ha ha! Seriously. A few times in my life I have had to make some pretty huge life decisions in relationships or work or where I live...and they have all turned out to be the right ones in the long run. As hard and hurty as they may have been to make, they all served their purpose in who I have grown up to be. For instance, leaving Manitoba nearly 14 years ago was an intensely tough move...family and friends to be left behind. But having lived on the West Coast has definitely changed me in ways I feel so blessed about. I broke out of a cocoon and grew my real big purple wings and became more of who Pami always was. Then of course there was the move to the little island in the Pacific Ocean...imagine that...a prairie girl on an island! Oh...this place. It's absolute paradise and allowed me to centre myself being amongst the beauty of nature and the animals and the most precious thing...an amazing community...my West Coast Family. :o) I will be eternally grateful for having lived here.

But it's all going to change...

Five years ago we made the move from Vancouver to Paradise Island. We knew no one...had no job to come to...we had a cabin to rent, and that was where we started. That decision was made for health reasons...my health. I have been suffering for 10 years with chronic pain of overuse in my arm. Wrist and elbow tendinitis, rotator cuff problems, thoracic outlet syndrome, shoulder arthritis and blah blah blah blaaaaah! It's been a struggle, to say the least...but I also am a fighter and a liver (loving life...not an organ), so I maintain sanity...somewhat! ;o) Living in the city became tough for me...there were so many things to do that I could not participate in any longer due to my pain. And I just couldn't ever settle my brain...the city was too much. I slept an average of 3 hours a night for 2 years!! The very first night we slept on Gabriola I was down for 8 hours...only woke up because our friends had came over with us to help with the move. That morning as I woke up and the sun was shining, the birds were chirping (The Towies getting their shriek on) and there was absolute stillness in the air...I knew we were finally home. This was going to be our final resting place. And it just kept getting better and better. Not only is Gabriola a most beautiful paradise of nature and wildlife and sea life...it is a big old family where everyone knows you and loves you (or hates, just like family) and you love them too. I have never felt more at peace with myself and my surroundings since childhood. Gabriola makes my heart feel good...no, it makes my heart feel spectacular beyond belief!! We were set...we are home.

But wouldn't you know it...it's damper here than Vancouver. And that damp seeps through the skin and burrows itself into muscle and bone making you achy and creaky (if you have issues with those things...otherwise you're fine...just cold.). Wah! That simple little fact about the damp is the biggest deal to me. I have become accustomed to this grey, wet weather. It took a few years to not let depression get to me on the dark days of winter. Living on Gabriola has made that way easier than the city. To have the ability, to everyday get out of the house and take a stroll on the beach or in a mossy green forest is supremo good for the soul. And it has made me feel strong and good and it has centred me in ways I never knew possible. Even on rainy days I take the dogs for a walk at the beach and it fills my soul with happiness and peace. But, it tortures my body...physically it just ruins me. And this winter really has been the worst so far. That in itself is a most overwhelming situation in my brain. And now, because of this turmoil to my body, we have made the hardest decision of our lives...so far. We are leaving. :O( waaaah...(oh man...here come the waterworks!) I can't even stand those words as they fall off my lips...leaving. My brain simply can not compute that information. Why oh why would we leave paradise?

To have better health is of the utmost importance to me. To be able to wake up daily and not feel like I can't even get out of bed would feel so amazing. And, well...winters out east are mighty cold, but they are dry. My pain level decreases every time I go east to visit the fam in the winter. And let me tell you...THAT is amazing! To feel more functional is a treat, to say the least. I need more quality of life. WE need more quality of life. What kind of wife am I when  can't even cook meals or be able to keep a clean home (I am anal about cleaning...so watching my house get messy drives me nuts!). I do what I can, when I can...but that ain't the point. (most of the time I do it when I can't because I can't let it get out of control even if my pain is out of control itself. I am always in a catch 22 and it makes me bonkers)  I know that I will still have my problems with pain...but it will be better and that makes this decision to move feel better in the end. So it is what it is. You gotta do what you gotta do. And besides the weather being softer on me...my family is there. I will have their support...which right now, I really miss. Just all aspects of the move make sense. And thankfully we also now have family here, so we will always come back for reunions!! (there is no way I could ever stay away.)

So what is so overwhelming? Hmmmm...let's see here. Like I just said...leaving here really, is the last thing that we want to do. It breaks my heart each and every day these past few months knowing that my time is almost done here. I won't be going to my favourite beaches to play with the dogs and collect beach glass and look in tide pools and find crazy ocean stuff. I won't be walking through dense forests of moss and trees and creeks and deer and birdies. I won't have my daily dose of deer with the momma and her babies visiting me anymore...I will miss that family. I won't be getting into the car and heading to the Village and run into just about everyone I know and love...chat in the dairy section about the "snarl" that we read in that weeks Sounder News. I won't be taken out on a cool party boat filled with my friends and taken out to a quiet Bay of another island to anchor in and party hardy...annoying the people in their cottages too of course. :o) There just are so many "I won't be's" that it is hurting my heart. (I know that Manitoba will be awesome too...I love it there and look forward to life there...it just doesn't make this any easier though.)

That is only the emotional stress...cause oh boy, there is quite a bit of mental stress along with it.
We have a lot of "stuff"...I like stuff. I see cute or pretty little knick knacks in thrift shops or the GIRO and I MUST buy them. Well, I buy the ones that speak to my heart. The ones that give me that nostalgic rush to my heart and soul...those things that I look at that make me smile each and every time. I also always seem to find cool and cheaply priced furniture items...so yeah, I buy those too! But always for a bargain you see...I am cheap! lol Anyways, there is quite a lot of "stuff" to get rid of...selling or giving away...it must be done. We can not take all of our possessions...and that is crazy to me. But...it is also sooooooo good. I have already given away and sold a few things and it really does feel good to purge. I hope to let go of at least 50% of our things...moving it all is just waaaaaay too expensive across the country. :o( It really is a good thing for me to do. If I didn't, I might end up on the show "Hoarders" or something. (my house looks NOTHING like those people's...but you never know, I could go crazier and really stockpile!) And, of course everything that we keep needs to get packed...ugh! There is just SO much to do! (plus, I need to mention that Clint has gone up to Whistler to work to make money to make this move even happen...so I am doing it alone. And that's fine too...it's just a hard time to not have my best friend at my side.)

The last part of this whole process of leaving home to go home that I find overwhelming is that I have to talk about it too much. There is always someone who hasn't heard and runs into me and I have to explain it. Which is fine, really...but each time I need to tell someone why we are leaving paradise and their faces have shocked and quizzical looks wash over them...it hurts my heart. It hurts my heart even more when a person says..."Why would you move to Manitoba? What is there? Do you like mosquitoes and cold weather? It's just flat and ugly there." (usually this will come from someone who has never even been further east than Alberta!!) Even if they honestly feel that in their heart...why the heck would you say that to me??? I am going there for the dry winters that don't take me down 5 notches. I am going to be near family because I need them. And besides all that...Manitoba is freakin' gorgeous! I am from there...it is my home and native land. Why would anyone dog me for going there? Do they think that bashing where I need to go will make me feel happy? It makes me feel pretty upset actually. I really don't want to leave...but it is 150% the right decision...and it's going to be great. I love wherever I live. There is beauty everywhere in the world, if your eyes are open. And I am so looking forward to the lakes, big skies, sunflower fields, festivals, snow activities that have nothing to do with being a skier or snowboarder (2 things I have never done) and being together with my friends and family that I have missed dearly in the past 14 years. 

It's just hard. That is the simplest way to put it. Leaving here is REALLY hard...it's overwhelming to my heart and soul and mind. But we are not leaving forever. The nice thing about the highway system in this country, is that you can get into your vehicle and drive to any destination. And Gabriola will definitely be a common travel destination for us in our future. So, I am just looking to find peace right now in my tumultuous brain and heart. (before I have a nervous breakdown or heart attack!) Guess I'll go for a beach walk now...c'mon doggies! ;o)

The miracle of life...

I have always been intrigued with the whole beginning process of life...starting with the sperm swimming it's way to it's final destination of entering the egg for fertilization. I remember the first time ever seeing that happen on TV...I think it was on the Discovery channel or maybe TLC waaaaaay back in the day. (I was still in high school, that's seems like a lifetime ago!) It was that same documentary, that they ended with the actual birth of a baby...that was over the top incredible to me. I knew how it all happened from learning about it in science class in grade 7...but to actually have the visual of it all just blew my mind. I have always enjoyed newborn babies. Going to the hospital to visit my younger cousins after they were born, then my older cousins having babies and then my friends going through it all. I just loved it. But out of all the new babies I ever got to meet...my little nieces and nephews were the most special. I remember the first time I held Samuel, (my brother's first child...first of all my 7 nieces and nephews to be born) the warmth that encompassed my soul was almost too much to bear. He was so very special...we had the same blood pumped by our hearts running through our veins. I cried with joy...tears spilling out of my eyes and dropping onto his little blue onesie. He was a part of me and I him. Looking into his big blue eyes I felt such great love and adoration...my sweet little nephew. I had always wanted children of my own...after that first glorious meeting with Samuel, the fever grew strong. ;o) But more than that...it made me feel so proud of being a woman. Just being a part of the human race that is blessed to have that ability bestowed upon me. Me, with my ovaries, fallopian tubes and uterus which would grow the eggs to be fertilized and consequently be fed and nourished inside my body to create a little being that would forever change my life and others. I feel that because of this, women have the best job in the universe. And even if I don't ever have the chance to do so myself, I still feel that I am lucky to be a woman and have it all inside of me anyways. I am woman...hear me roar! ;o)

ROAR!! That brings me to exactly where I was last Saturday...roaring and all the above. I was there, witnessing and documenting the miracle of birth. What a humbling and beautiful moment in time that was. Little baby Star was born on December 1, 2012 at 8:55 pm. He is gorgeous in every little way. I really had no idea what to expect when I came home from dog walking to a message from Tim saying that Lisa was in labour and that they were in Nanaimo at the Mid-Wifery house...and could I still be there to take photos. Ummm, yeah, of course I am still into it! ;o) Little fella decided to come out 2 weeks early...so Saggitarrian of him! ;o) I quickly made up an overnight bag, kissed Clint, Maggie, Larry and Wensday good-bye and headed for the ferry. By the time I got to the home, they were just leaving to go to the hospital. Lisa had Group Strep B (some kind of something that pregnant women can get that they have to be wary of.) and after 18 hours since her water broke, she had to be put on anti-biotics to keep the baby safe from getting it. For Lisa, this is not how she imagined her birth would go...but are birth stories ever the way we expect? Once they were settled into a hospital room, we got a call from the Doula letting us know we could come. (we being; Lisa's mother, Laura, her best friend and me, friend and photographer for the day.) When we arrived things were moving along...the oxytocin drip was helping her contractions speed up and remain constant so that actual active labour could happen. From being on the bouncy birth ball to the tub and then onto the bed with Tim always at her side, so quiet and so focused on being there for Lisa...I documented all the precious moments. I have never witnessed such love and admiration and full on "I am here for you babe" from a man to his woman. Through all of her contractions and breathing it out, he was there every step of the way. Looking into her eyes, sending his warm love and strength into her very soul...that is a true testament of unabiding love...it was beautiful to me. It finally came down to the time where the pushing starts...2 1/2 hours after we all arrived. This is where the term "I am woman, hear me roar" must have come from. The low, primal roaring that came out of Lisa's mouth was fascinating. I have never, in my entire life, heard a noise like that coming out of any human being...it just made the whole moment in time seem so real, so natural and just so overwhelmingly human...more human than I have ever sensed before. The moment you could actually see the tip of the head almost made me drop to my knees. I felt the urge to weep, the tears started to well up and my throat choke...I used every bit of strength in me to hold it back. I needed to stay focused so that I could have it all on film (or memory card, I would have to say...just doesn't sound as cool) for Lisa and Tim and little baby Star to look back upon and remember those precious moments. Tim then came down to where baby was coming through to the other side...Laura took over at the helm...holding Lisa's hands and being her strength. When Star's head came fully out, my heart literally felt like sunshine...the purity, the warmth, the beauty and the preciousness was almost too much to bear. Seconds later out he came and his daddy grabbed him to lay him on top of Lisa's chest. "Oh my god, Oh my god...I love you, I love you, I love you" were the words that came out of Lisa's mouth. I can't even explain how ultimate that moment was. Breathtaking, beautiful, magnificent, precious, amazing...I just don't think there is a single word to describe it. It changed my life forever. I was so high. I was high for days after...high on life. I just feel so incredibly blessed that I was invited to such an intimate occasion. That Lisa and Tim trusted and loved me enough to request that I be the one to help them keep those memories alive. 20 minutes after Star was born we toasted with a bottle of Proseca...welcome to the world Star! 

The drive back to catch the 10:25 ferry home was when my emotions came a flowing. One of my fears of being there was that I would feel jealous. I know that sounds silly and super selfish of me...but it has been years of trying for Clint and I that when I hear someone is pregnant I have such mixed emotions. I am so super happy for them, happy that a new life has been made...but also sad for Clint and I that we might never get to experience that joy. Oh ego...you are so mean! ;o) But, when I shed tears in my quiet van...they were tears of joy and peace. I thanked God for the miracle of life and that I got to witness it first hand. I felt blessed beyond belief. I got home and called my mom...it was 1:00 am her time...she was actually still awake! We spoke for a while and it just felt so wonderful. It made me appreciate my mom even more than that very morning. My mom went through the roaring just to bring me into this world...thanks mom...I love you so very much. <3 :o=":o" am="am" b="b" for="for" giving="giving" life...i="life...i" little="little" me="me" miracles.="miracles." of="of" one="one" thank="thank" you="you" your="your">

Oh man...my keyboard is a little wet now! hee hee. I am such a cry baby. ;o)

All right...today is December 9th...three days til 12/12/12! I just learned something even more exciting about that day. There will not be another repetitive date in my lifetime...not until January 1, 2101! 01/01/01. So, like that is way super cool to me. Here's a shout out to others born on December 12...Frank Sinatra (RIP), Bob Barker, Jennifer Connelly, Dionne Warwick, Connie Francis, Mayim Bialik (Blossom!), Sheila E, Edvard Munch and even Colonel Sanders (KFC...also RIP). I am a little jealous of any child who turns 12 this year...that would be THE best birthday ever!!! :o) Anyhow, below is another little video montage installment of my daily 12:12 since November 19.

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Happiness is...

"A Thumb and a Blanket." Hee hee...well that is what Linus from the Peanuts would say. We had a bath towel that had his image with those words on it growing up. It was my favourite towel to use after a long bath...must've been used by me and my siblings thousands of times. It became one of those towels that had been used and loved so much it was nearly see through...yet still kept up its drying power. ;o) Last time I saw the towel...there was only a piece of it. It had been cut up in about 6 pieces to make cleaning cloths for around the house. Kind of made me sad seeing a 'piece' of memory shredded and dirty and used up sitting on top of a pile of old rags in the garage at my parents home. The nice part about that whole scenario was that it WAS there...that piece of old towel was still around. It had been moved with them from Manitoba down to Texas 10 years ago...meaning, my mom might also have my affliction of holding memories in an inanimate object. I like how a piece of furniture, or a knick knack can send you back in time...make you think back to a happy moment in life that can make you smile, give you joy and peace in your heart. An overall warmth over the body, soul and heart...lovely. To me, that is a whole lot what life is about. The moments of bliss, of peace, of happiness and hilarity. To be able to look back and feel good about a time in your life is a wonderful thing...it's that feeling we need to keep with us so that the moments we are in are amazing enough that it will be a good memory one day too.

My birthday is fast approaching...this is an obvious time for looking back and remembering life, the good and bad times all come flooding when you are searching back. But I focus on the good...for the bad times had their purpose and lessons have already been learned, so no need to dwell on unhappiness or negativity. To age is a wonderful thing...I am not worried or sad that I am almost 40. It doesn't scare me or make me feel "too old". It makes me feel excited. I can't even fathom the new experiences I still have yet to have...life has so much to offer. Each day is pretty awesome no matter what you are doing...going to work, staying at home, traveling, running errands, sick in bed...whatevs, it is what it is and you got to just enjoy it or take care of the moment so it can be enjoyed to whatever extent that may be. Every breath is a gift.

The excited part about my birthday this year is the date...the numbers. 12/12/12 That is insanely cool to me...would be cooler if it were my 12th birthday. (somebody will turn twelve that day...lucky devil!) ;o) So...I am pretty stoked about this year. I am not planning any big party or anything. It just is going to be a magical day because it just is...and I ain't much for my own party. But something that will cause much excitement and joy and magic is what I actually might be doing that day...if it works out. My friend Lisa has asked me to photograph the birth of her first child! What? For real? Ohhhh yeah!!! I may just get to witness the birth of life on my birthday...that would be the most bestest gift in my lifetime. ;o) The baby is due on the 13th...so you never know! I am just so blessed to have been asked to join such an intimate and emotional journey with my friend, her boyfriend and the family that will be there. I know it will be one of those life changing moments...a memory that forever will bring happiness to my soul. I just feel so lucky to be welcomed to such an event. I may never get the chance to have it as a personal experience for myself...so to have the opportunity to be there with someone that I love and care for so deeply will be the very next best thing. Happiness is life...that is something I need to everyday remind myself of, and keep on smiling. ;o)

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All right...I am behind the times in my "Project 12:12". I have been a recluse for the last 5 weeks...taking care of myself. Plus, the last 2 weeks our truck has been dead...that makes it way easy to be a recluse! lol All of my time has been at home...just doing regular life. You know...eating, sleeping, walking the dogs, watching TV and movies, staring out the window, trying to help keep the house clean and of course taking pictures. hee hee. So here are my 12:12 moments from October 20-Nov 18th (today!)...nothing too exciting...but thew music is! ;o) 24 days left til 12/12/12...let the excitement begin! 
(photo disclaimer: visually, my life may not look too exciting...given most of my time is at home. But I am still enjoying staring out at the sea, watching tug boats, enjoying my daisies that are still alive in November, loving my animals, watching some good old movies, having a friend visit, going for walks and of course taking long hot baths...I just simply, love life.)

Today is a bleak blustery day...it might be yet another watch the boob tube kind of day. I am still giving this arm rest...well, except for this blog typing...ouch! I got to start vlogging now! lol Peace out party people in da house!! xox

It's that day again...

The one day out of the year that we are reminded of all the men and women who gave their lives for freedom of people, freedom of speech and freedom to live. 

I am definitely not a supporter of war by any means...I just don't like fighting. (did enough of it as a kid!) I feel things could be done so differently. But that is me being an optimist...believing that everyone just wants peace. But it ain't the case unfortunately. There are some people out there who are just wanting to make a fight...they love the drama of it. Like as if life is some Hollywood movie production and it has to be as gory and mean and shocking as possible. It is so sad to me and I'm sure billions of others too.

Anyhow...today is not the day for me to spew my opinions of war. Today is the day...the one day out of 365 that we NEED to take a moment and be grateful for the soldiers who fought for us to be free. Our Grand Fathers and Grand Mothers...Great ones too. A lot of them died so that we could live. And thankful too for the soldiers who are fighting now...those who have given their lives in my lifetime. You are brave. Thank you. I will always remember.

Peace and love to everyone today and always. xox

Thank God for the sun today!

Man oh man...does the sunshine ever make such a huge difference to the way I feel physically. But more importantly, how I feel mentally and emotionally. The sunshine lifts my spirits and brightens my soul...I feel the warmth of the sun penetrate me fully...and I LOVE it! What a reprieve from the rain and chill we have been enduring. And just think...it's only just begun! lol I am just always so grateful for these sunny breaks that we do get during the bleak months. It really does lift the clouds away. Everyone is in a better mood when the sun is shining. 

Today I decided to take full advantage of the sunshine and take the dogs for a walk in the neighbourhood...I needed to get the mail anyways. ;o) I also felt the urge to be creative and informative...using both sides of the brain! hee hee. I have seen a few videos on YouTube with the titles reading something like..."How to make a peanut butter sandwich with one arm", and others. The people making these videos have two arms but one is tied to their side or under their shirt. They fumble around the kitchen or hallway or bench where they are trying to their shoe with only using one arm. So...how can it be a "How To" video. Well...they at least are good attempts at trying to do something differently than what you know or are comfortable with. These videos made me want to show how easy these tasks really can be with only using one arm. When everything you do is with one arm it is as normal as using two. ;o)

Anyhow...I made a video today...that was me being creative. And it is a "How To" video...that was me being informative. You can see the video HERE! Peace out!