I am in the throes of major depression as I am typing this blog sitting at my desk in my cold computer room. I should turn the baseboard heater on in here but hydro is waaay too expensive and I prefer to use the wood stove anyways. Makes me really feel like I a true country girl. ;o) Clint chops the wood, brings it in and I like to stack it in neat piles when the pieces are lighter. I get wood envy when people have a wood shed that is overflowing with wood. I like when our firewood area is stuffed full inside the house. All that wood ready for me to burn to make my home toasty warm. Looks so pretty when the smoke is coming out of the chimney. My mom liked it too...she took pictures of it. ;o) My mom...
She is one of the key subjects to the reason of my depression. I don't want to leave the house or talk on the phone or do anything. I feel like a sloth, and it makes me feel lazy and useless but I really have no energy nor desire to do anything but lay on the couch watching absolutely nothing on my free 2 months of cable. I still can not figure out why people pay big bucks for this crap. Honestly, there is nothing good at any time of day or night on the TV. Anyhow, my depressive episodes began yesterday when my parents left the island. I just love having them around me so much. It is so awesome to be able to see them on a daily basis. Wake up in the morning and my dad is already up and has been for a while working on his laptop in my cold computer room or drinking coffee stoking the fire. And as I walk past the slightly open door to the bedroom my parents are sleeping in I can see my beautiful mommy lying still on her side of the bed and resting her sleepy head. (she never sleeps...total insomnia. I feel so bad for her.) I won't wake her up unless there is a reason for her to be up. I want her to get as much rest as she possibly can. But she usually gets up after she hears us all, up and about drinking coffee chatting at the kitchen table. It feels like being at home again...only different. My parents are so easy to be around...so loving and kind, funny, caring, hilarious and even feisty when I feel like having a debate...which is pretty much not a good idea. I get so mad when they don't agree with or understand my opinion on something that I have strong feelings about. I get all flustered and stomp my feet and talk loudly and wildly just like a child...like how I was as a kid and not getting my way with something. ha! But, 99% of the time we spend together is happy and fun. It's always like that, even when everyone is around...the whole fam damily. My sis, her hub and 3 girls. My bro, his wife and 2 boys and 2 girls. My Omi. We are all so great together. I love my family a lot. I miss them terribly when I am leaving their homes to come back to my own that is so incredibly far away from them and I know it may be a while until our next visit because it doesn't happen as much as I really wished it did...the trips to Winnipeg or Texas that is. And, of course when any of them have been out here staying at my place with me in my home, I get depressed when they leave and feel lonely and have a longing for the days when we were always all hanging out together. I always liked being at home and being with my family...so it's no wonder to me that I still love and always will love being with them. And even after I go through my sadness of separating from them after an amazing visit, each time after we part I always get back into my normal routines after enjoying our togetherness and it's suddenly not as bad as when we first parted. Point being...I like that feeling that I am living at home. Like as if I were a kid again and life is pretty darn simple because mom is always taking care of the necessities...while we help out of course, and dad is there to take care of us all.
I am not at all taking away from what I have now. I LOVE my life as it is at this very moment. I am deeply in love with Clint who was my really good friend for 7 years before we even started to date. Two years later we got married...something neither of us wanted to EVER do as we had both been married previously. Him to a psychotic, compulsive lying manipulative biatch. Me to a dirty...like actually dirty, like because he was a truckdriver and would be on the road for days and come home stinking so gross that I wouldn't want to touch him till he got out of the shower kind of asshole that was so crazily angry and mean and abusive that I had to get the flippin' heck outta that relationship. Ummm...no, I don't hate him. ;op Anyhow, Clint and I both felt that we did not ever want to get married again. But we were just so crazy about one another. So in love and so in tune with one another. We just get along so well. We talked about having a family and stuff so marriage seemed like it actually might be a good idea and work out this time. And you know, it was and is the best choice we made. We will be celebrating 5 happy and amazing years together on the 25th. Yay!! I found a man that loves me, takes care of me, laughs with and at me when the time is right, defends me and is just the very best husband to me that I couldn't even have imagined anything better than this in my wildest dreams prior to having him in my life. I am lucky to be married to Clint. It also helps that he is a major hunk of burning love!! ;o) And my parents also love him...that makes life pretty darn sweet. They constantly tell me how good he is to me and how I am so very lucky. And I always say "yes, I know".
Okay, enough of the history lesson. Let's get on with my feelings of sorrow, my mind and heart that won't stop aching and hurting for my parents. This is where my depression now turns to politics...politics in the sense that I am thinking too much about how slow and stupid the American government is. The department of the government that deals with immigration...I guess that would be called the U.S. Immigration Department. Well, I hate them very much right now. They are making my parents lives overly difficult right now. Let me explain...my dad's work is such that he needs to travel through Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana and New Mexico on a regular basis in order to meet up with clients of his. He works full time for a wholesale rose company in the states for whom he sells stock to local nursery and greenhouses in those aforementioned states. He also works part time for a wholesale nursery that sells fancy shrubbery and trees and stuff. His territory with that company is North and South Dakota, Idaho, Wyoming and Montana. So he travels through those states in the summer months and my mom takes that opportunity to be up north in Manitoba to visit with the family. Because of this work they moved down to Texas 7 years ago to be closer to where he traveled to most. That way he would always be closer to home and never gone for that long at one time. And now my mom goes with him a lot more as the trips are shorter and she doesn't have to be away from home all that often. Anyhow, my dad has been through all the stages of work visa's that you need to prior to being able to apply for your permanent residence...your Green Card. The paperwork has all been put together for this and sent to the U.S. Dept. of Immigration...although it originally was sent later than was supposed to because the stupid asshole old lawyer at one of my dad's work forgot to send it off asap because he was taking to many liquid lunches or whatever...thank god that jack ass is no longer employed with them. (That guy deserves a knuckle sandwich!) So the paperwork is there and was supposed have come back in September. It is now Nov 17th!! Still nothing. And because they are not in the U.S. they are not allowed to return until my dad's office has received the final Green Card that gives them the right to live at their home down south. My mom has not been home since August...she just wants to be able to go home, wear different clothes than she has been for the last three months, sleep in her own bed, work in her own kitchen, weed her flower beds, see her friends, just be in her own frickin' home. And my dad wants the same. They just want their life back and the U.S. government is not allowing that to happen in a timely manner. BullShit!!! They went to the border yesterday after leaving here just to see if they would let them through after explaining the dire situation that they are in. No sympathy from the callous border guard...of course...what else do we expect? :o( My mom is depressed. So that makes me feel helpless and so sad and I just wish that there was something that I could do, but of course I can't and so it makes me feel even more upset. Last night I spent hours and hours crying for them. I hate when my parents are sad. I suppose any child hates it when their parents are not the happy people that we always expect that they are or should be. They have emotions and feelings just like us. They are not superhuman like we always imagine when we are growing up. They are exactly like the children they span...human. And I just want my human parents to be happy and safe at their own home.
That was long winded...I needed to get it all out. I haven't been answering my phone...I don't want to talk about it because it makes me cry. I call my parents to find out where they are and how they are doing. They spent tonight in Banff. At least they are somewhere pretty. and this whole green card mess is what allowed them to visit me this fall too...so that is a good thing, kind of. But now it's time for them to be able to return to the home and life they have made for themselves down south...down in the U.S. :o( Wish they were still living up north, even though I like to go to Texas and the warmth in the winters when we get to. ;o) Anyhow, that is what is plagueing my mind. Let's get to work Immigration employees...do your job! Argh!!!!
Peace out...
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