Just cuz I watched the ANTM merely 2 hours ago...I feel as though I must rant a bit. Rant because I have this platform right now that I am able to rant from. Same as if it were my own diary...my own personal and private scribblings that make me feel better once I release them from these tormented thoughts of mine. But not like they actually haunt me anymore...I have actually let go of the feelings that used to rush through my core and make me sick with jealousy of others and hatred and pity for myself. Whatever...this is what I was thinking right now.
In my past I have completely and utterly hated myself...my face, my body, my asymmetry, my voice most everything that is me. These days I actually love myself...I may not be 100% in love with my body, I have the cellulite and other gross stuff women complain about. But that's just it. All women have something they don't like about their body.Therefore I AM normal! Whoa! What a realization that was when I first, well realized it. Ack! But then you get put into certain circumstances in which others make will make you feel less than normal...in fact, quite inadequate. You know, just not right. But you go along with it because it makes you feel accepted. Well, I have been there all throughout my life. And this whole ANTM, looking for the next "perfect" girl makes me secretly think about me and my own imperfection. I...must...write about it!
Obviously, anyone who is born with things that are not quite the norm...like, "Is my baby healthy with ten fingers and ten toes" sort of thing, there may be more than the usual self loath and pity and shyness and lack of self esteem. So for me, I have always felt less than everyone else I have EVER in my life come in contact with. Even if I never outwardly acted that way...I felt it. There were some crazy and bizarre instances in my earlier years that strike me now as intense anti-ego stimulators...but I am going for the later years right now. Cause that is what is plagueing my mind.
I started working in film in 2002 in Vancouver. I was pretty stoked about it. I was going to be in "the movies"!! My first "role" was that of a rave girl who got her arm ripped off by a zombie and therefore turned into a zombie herself. I loved it! I am the hugest fan of horror...well, A huge fan. So getting this gig was pretty cool. The way I got into the film world, I feel I must add, was through my friends brother telling me that he was getting good work in film because he was black, and there aren't a ton of black people in the lower mainland that do extra work and even in general. So he got a lot of work. He said that they would surely need someone like me...cause I am unique too! ;op I fell for it and got into film. Well I was needed and required and unique. And I would be getting paid better $$ than any other extra would. Of course I always was given a role of someone that had an arm torn off, chopped off, sawed off or fell of due to lepresy or some weird disease that causes your armto fall off because you are so gross and
"dieased". It would have been cool to actually be wanted because of the way I look...you know my face or whatever...and have arole of just a woman. Not a "one armed" woman who is useful for this one short scene. But of course that was just a fantasy of mine. Thinking that the film world would accept me as anything other than cheap special effects. Ha!
Same with my modeling. I loved doing it. But only photographers that are REAL and actually found me and my body beautiful actually respected me the way that I deserved. I have been in situations where I realized I was nothing but a "prop" for a shoot. How embarassing. Here I was thinking that maybe, just maybe I was beautiful or had a unique face...or whatever my mind wanted to believe. "I am not an animal!!!" John Merrick. I sometimes feel as though I am. Behind a glass window to be gawked and jeered at. Made fun of. I am not a model, a real model. I modeled because cool photographers saw a beauty in me that they felt they could encapsulate. Some have done it. Others shot in vain. But I don't care what it was and what it meant to them. I got cool photos...I felt good doing it. (most of the time)So it was an experience that I am glad I had in my life. I am almost 35...it's not like I can do stuff like that much longer. Age is catching up! ha ha ha ha!!
Okay...that's it. Time to hit the sack. Try to sleep again. Tomorrow Shaw is coming to install cable that we get free for 2 months!! And then I can cancel...no charge. Haven't had cable for like at least 8 years. And it's 200 channels, plus movies on demand. Oh my word!!! How will I adjust to this. Scary I tell you. :o)
Peace and sweet dreams...xo
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