I try and I try...

I really do try...real hard. And, at times I feel that I have conquered the emotional war happening inside my heart and my mind. I mean...I am very happy with my life, the way it is. It is by no means perfect, but at least I can say that I love where I live, I love my community, my friends, my family is super awesome, I am married to a most amazing man who loves me (even though I am el nutso!), I have Maggie and Wensday whom I adore, who are my "children". I know..."they are NOT children"..."they are NOT human". I get that from my mom and my Omi all of the time. I do not have children of my own. These animals that I have living in my home, sleeping on my bed (Wensday) or on her own bed (Maggie) on the floor at the foot of the bed...these animals ARE in fact very much like children to me. I need to feed them and love them and give them attention. I need to give Maggie exercise each and every day and let her out when she needs to go to the bathroom. I have to pay attention to their lives and take care of them. That is a lot of what a parent must do for their own child...I am theoretically a parent. And I love my kids! ;op

If I could have my way...if my dreams could come true...I would have a child of my own. A child of flesh and blood and made from the love that Clint and I would have for that sweet baby child. The love that we have for one another and the love that we have for life and community and the earth could be shared and taught to another human to carry on and share themselves. Make the world a better place one baby at a time. :o) I used to lose sleep over the fact that we had decided to have a baby and nothing was happening. Like, hello...we are ready to get pregnant and have a baby...what is going on here? After only 6 months of trying I was starting to lose my mind. I felt like less of a woman...every other married woman in my family has a child or two or three...even four. I started blaming myself for all sorts of reasons One being that I was not good enough to raise a child. Then I felt like, maybe because I have one arm, I will not be able to do it. I don't believe that, at all. But, I tend to blame any "failure" on me having one arm. Like that is my sentence for life. Things will not usually go as planned...because I have one arm. I have lost that train of thought for a bit now...but those feelings can creep up easily sometimes. It's my ego. Wah. I am working real hard on that thing...I want to always feel at peace. I just want to feel okay with the fact that we have been "trying to get pregnant" for almost 7 years now. We will be celebrating our 7 year anniversary next weekend...soon after our wedding we had the baby urge. ;o) I really, really wanted it to happen. And it wasn't. I allowed all of my feelings to over take me. I was in great turmoil. I lost focus on life and what was even going on. I was happily married...things were good. I was numb. I lost my spirit...I gave up in so many ways. I kept up appearance though. That's what I do. You will never know if I am hurting...I keep that to myself. I should be smiley all of the time. At least that is what I say to myself. And for the most part...I am smiley because I am happy. Then...once in a while I allow things to get to a point where I become fragile and stressed out and forget all about my happiness.

Like right now...I am sitting here feeling empty. Why??? Because I am not pregnant. Because I am childless. And that is absolutely crazy to me. I forever ago accepted that I just have to go with the flow. I can get pregnant...I have had ALL of the tests...Clint too. It is just not happening. And honestly, I really am okay with that. It may never happen. And it really is okay. Except today...today I really am so overwhelmed by a million other things going on that are stressing me out, that right now I am just so sad that I just had my period...again! (sorry for being so graphic...it's life) I used to be like this every single month. I would always think I was pregnant...I would count down the days until my period was due. When it came, I cried. When it was a day late, I ran out and bought a pregnancy kit...$15 wasted each time. (I would have so much $$$ if I didn't buy those things!!) These days, I am getting a wee bit on the "something to hold onto" kind of weight. I am not the thin woman I used to be. I am in my late 30's...I am thickening. And my belly is becoming "pot-like". It's all right. I don't mind the weight...I can exercise and lose it. But, because I have a pot belly, this last month I was feeling different. I felt, maybe something worked this time...it can't be just fat. ;op It is. At least when you put weight on it goes everywhere...I almost have cleavage!! ha ha ha!!! Seriously though...I would love to have my belly fattening up because there is a sweet little baby growing inside of there and I am nurturing it with all of the goodness that I am putting in to my body. All of the goodness that I am thinking and feeling in my heart and head would feed that baby too. Our baby would be so loved. I am still someone who firmly believes that babies are a blessing. Maybe someday if it doesn't happen naturally we will adopt a child who needs a home. That would be nice too. Children need to be loved and shown the way...the good way to live. Be a loving yet strong person...be who you are, proud of who you are, proud of where you came from...love yourself and others...be peaceful, show peace, live in peace...just keep fighting the good fight. I feel that one day we can get humanity back...it's slipping away, but there are enough of us to bring it back.

I am so all over the place. I think I need to try and shut off. What is on the boob tube...Glee! That ought to help shut the drama off in my brain. I will just melt into a spot where I am comfy cozy and veg out enjoying some visual entertainment. Life is good. I am happy. I really am. It's okay to let your guard down once in a while and just feel some hurt. Just don't take it personally. Let it out and see it for what it is. Just another part of life...anything can happen on this ride! I just got to try and keep in my seat and enjoy the ride.