Another rant...my own crap! ;op

I am just super DUPER frustrated right now. I get this way once in a while...maybe you have read my words of self deprecating reflection in the past. It's generally when I am having immense pains (chronic pain sucks...but you can get used to being in pain. so when it worsens here and there...ARGH!!!!!!) in my shoulder or neck or stupid arm. I start to reflect upon my life...the things I have done...the things I probably should not have done. Being born with only one arm kind of puts you in a position of pre-low self esteem. Not that I wasn't loved to bits by my wonderful and loving, caring family...without a family like I have, I have no idea where I might be right now. But, in your own mind, when you are "different" than every other person that you come into contact with, it can make life THAT much more of a challenge. And...well, I simply just love a challenge! I took every aspect of my life as just that...one big game that I was definitely going to win. I did absolutely everything that I wanted to...even if my mom said that I shouldn't. (as every kid does!) In my case it was needing to be stronger than those around me...proving that I did not need help from anyone. "I can do it!" My Oma used to always tell me that is what I said when I was really little..."No Oma, I don't need you...I can do it all by myself!" I was proud of who I was. And it was that pride that brought me to where I stand today. Growing up working for my dad, at his greenhouse, I did everything. I was 13 and was hauling 50 pound bags of soil or sand to a car for a customer because all other employees were busy. (the gentleman buying the stuff wouldn't want to dirty his new khaki shorts...why not have this tiny young one armed teen do it for me. Seriously!) I would haul rolls of sod, big trees, drive the tractor, shovel gravel and carry heavy patio stones too. I could do it, so I did. And it made me feel strong and good and just like everyone else. Well, at least like the adults around me! lol I didn't know any other young teen girls doing the heavy labour that I did. So, that made me even prouder. I was amazing! ha ha ha! Well, I am definitely paying for it all now in my ripe old age. ;op My arm just does not want to work for me anymore. (typing these blogs pains me...seriously...so lame. But I love to write...so I do. Yep...still my freakin' pride!!)

I guess sometimes I will lay in the warm water of my bath tub and reflect on these things of my past. Wish that I had been smarter...listened more to what my parents said instead of being a proud little ignorant brat! But then I also sit there and wish I was not me...(well, I like me...just not me physically at times) I wish that I was born with two arms and legs that never had to have surgery to make them equal. (that's a whole other story!) I wish that I was "just like everyone else" and had two arms. If I did I would still be able to have a full time job, not be frustrated when I can't hold onto something and open a door, clap my hands, braid a friends hair, drive a stick (I know how to drive standard...it just ain't safe!), climb the monkey bars, hug you even tighter, twiddle my thumbs, play guitar or even just have others see me as not a "disabled" woman. I do love who I am...I love the fact that I am unique. There is no one else like me. But there is also no one else like all of you. We are all so very different in so many ways. We are all snowflakes in the snow globe of the world. It is just so hard for me to see that sometimes...and that is what is so completely frustrating to me. I am a happy person, I hate when I am not feeling that way. I get all sucky and feel sorry for myself. What a waste of time! Who cares that I can not do all of those things...and more. It doesn't take anything away from my life. I need to learn to be happy with what I have been given...and also to be okay with what has been taken away from me through my pain. I have overused the one beautiful arm that I have been given. It's time to take care of me instead of trying to take care of everything else. Who cares that I can't arm wrestle the strongest boy anymore. (yeah...I totally beat a whole bunch of boys back when I was strong...hee hee. Must feel pretty funny being beat by a one armed girl! lol) I am strong willed, always have been always will be. And that too is a good thing. All right...rant is over. it's a sunny day and I am going to enjoy it. Relaxingly! :o)

12:12 the last few days...

Monday May 21 12:12 pm
No...that is NOT me in the tub! lol (if it were me I'd be pretty darn cute though, eh?) I was without my camera at 12:12 on Monday. I went into the tub at 10:30...I emerged from the warm healing waters at 12:45!!! I actually thought that I was not in there that long that morning.It felt like only a moment. I love being in the hot water...it soothes my muscles and tendons and aches. But also, the best part about the tub...I can't do anything while in there. No cleaning, no creating, no nothing but pure relaxation. And that is exactly what I need to do. That is why it is my favourite place to be...my safe haven. (funny thing though...washing my hair hurts my shoulder too!!! Argh! ha ha ha! Just got to laugh!)

Tuesday May 22 12:12 pm
What a fun day Tuesday was. I woke up to an email from my friend Chad asking me if I wanted to drive to Port Alberni with him and his girlfriend Jill to bring his 1966 Corvette Stingray (Annabelle) out of storage. The three of us and Cain the big Newfie/Pyrenees baby (oh he is such a big sweetie!) did the drive over to the middle of Vancouver Island. (he loves lying in the back seat of the truck...it's his spot!Isn't he a cutie?) The drive back I got to sit in the passenger seat of said Corvette. What a sweet ride! I didn't even flinch (too much) when Chad did some burnouts! It was cool to be in that car. Sexy!!! ;o)

My self portrait...me and the Stingray!

Wednesday May 23 12:12 pm
Me and JoJo and Maggie and Larry had a fun little time on the beach after a quick trip to the GIRO. It's pretty sweet watching Larry let loose and chase his little red ball. It is his fun time...he lights up at the beach. I can not wait for his first jump in! Maybe he will follow me into the waters...when it is warm enough. (I have ALWAYS wanted a water dog!!)

I think that right now I am going to go upstairs and get dressed and get out to the beach again...you ready dogs??