Is it rainy season already???

I can not even believe it...September is here and with it the rain has already started. Where did my summer go?? We had some hot days...I got out most of those hot days and jumped in the ocean. We spent many a day walking down to the beach to enjoy. We camped over on Mudge Island. We had bbq's and paddles over to our private tiny island. It was an amazing summer...but man, was it busy.

Became one of those summers with many visitors...which I LOVE having over. We live in such a special place that we enjoy showing off and sharing paradise with those people that we love. Having guests over entails keeping things together in the household...keeping me on my toes...and letting me love it all too! ;o) This summer I also got myself wrapped up in a couple projects that took much of my time and energy...I may have all of the time in the world...but my energy is usually on low...not because I don't want to be busy and doing things that are interesting and creative. It's my arm, it's muscles, tendons and nerves that help it do the things I want to do just don't like to help me out when I need them...which is all of the time. It's like my arm is against me. Like my evil twin! Mwah ha ha ha haaaaaa! But I OVERCAME adversity and won. I may be sore...but I did it all! ;op

Our good friends were married this summer and I wanted to give a gift from my heart. I made the centrepieces...a little bit of me and a lot of Gabriola went into them. White shell sand in a beautiful glass vase...in the sand were thorny branches painted beautiful gloss black. On the branches there were pennies hung for good luck. They were married on Friday the 13th. :o) Guests were to take a penny from the tree and leave a wish they wrote on a tag. (That part was their idea.) Very cute. They looked great and the couple were pleased...that made my heart feel good.

The wedding took place in Vancouver. Clint & I traveled over there for a couple days to enjoy the city again...you know...sushi and ANYTHING we want! (remember, we live on an island where there are 4 restaurants to choose from...diversity is sensational.)YUM!!! The wedding was gorgeous...a fairytale actually. Beautiful couple with an exquisitely adorable little baby, er I mean 15 month old little girl. Ceremony took place at breathtaking Ferguson Point in Stanley Park. When we drove into the park (BUSY Friday afternoon in downtown Vancouver during peak tourist season) we first got to Prospect Point and there were parking spots available...should we park here?? "I don't think Ferguson is that far off...maybe a 10 minute walk at most" I say to Clint who just wants out of the damn car. We park...I go pay and get a ticket...we start walking and I decide best thing to do for my feet is to carry my 3 1/2" heels so my feet aren't sore when we get to the spot. The sidewalk is asphalt. The soles of my feet burn and blister. I don't even notice they are burning until we have been walking for 1/2 hour and FINALLY get to the spot and I put my super sweet hot shimmery pink 3 1/2" heel BCBG shoes back on. Ouchies!!! But I HAVE to keep the shoes on as I have to stand in front of the crowd of family & friends to read an EE Cummings poem during the ceremony...heels DO make your ass look rounder and legs longer. Fashion ahead of smarts...right?? ;op Anyhow, they we are, overlooking the ocean (and those nasty barge container ships that just loiter in the area there) out towards the Gulf and Vancouver Islands, the ceremony finally took place and they were married in front of their family & friends. The couple looked fabulous of course...Taryn so gracefully and peacefully walking down the pathway to her husband to be, the uber handsome and dashing on his wedding day, Syx. It was all so very nice. Just a beautiful ceremony that was very real and loving and enjoying the fact that we all believe in true love...because it still does exist and it conquers ALL! So, while I truly am lavishing in this wonderful event between two of my good friends...watching them profess their love...I look to Clint loving him and taking in the moment. I know I said some sweet things to him, but I was still so very pre-occupied..."MY FEET ARE EFFEN KILLING ME!!!!" I softly but painfully scream into Clint's ear. And by this time though the ceremony is over...thank goodness...and Clint walks back to retrieve the car that is SO far away. What a gentleman. I wait on a picnic table...I called my mom to pass some time while Clint has to walk ALL the way...30 minutes back to the car. The only thing I can think about is how I now just want to wear my flip flops for the rest of the day and night...even though they don't lift my ass nor give me those "they just go on forever" legs. And actually...I just want a beer!

We get back over to Main St to the Heritage Hall where the reception will take place...where we also spent a few hours of our morning setting up the centre pieces and helping. Next door to the hall is the Five Point restaurant. We decide to go in for a snack and beer to wait for the reception to start. BEER! We finish the last drop of a tasty draft beer and I want to go back to the car so that I can at least try and wear my pretty hot pink shiny shoes that I left in the front seat...time to take the beach worn but very comfy okabashi flip flops off. Get out to the...uh...WTF...I am 100% sure this is where we parked the car!!!!! Give me a cigarette! (I do not smoke. Though I am an ex-smoker.) Our car that was parked just perfectly...3 feet away from the edge of the sidewalk, allowing plenty of room for passenger and vehicle...has been towed! Some other girl that also was in the Five Point had hers towed too. Vancouver sucks!!! $150 ticket...eff you Vancouver! ARGH! After retrieving our car from the impound lot we made it back to the reception, ate yummy hors d'oeuvres, chit chatted with some awesome peeps, drank wine and beer, got tandemly screeched in as honourary Newfies, listened to some talented peeps perform songs and then headed back for our last night out in Burnaby...where we stayed with my Aunt & Uncle who took great care of us for the stay. Prepared meals for us so that we could sit down together and have at least that time for visiting, they gave us a comfy room and space just to do our own thing because it was such a whirlwind trip. And that was soooo appreciated. Uncle Walter & Tante Ruth...you rule! <3>

Where does the time fly...seriously.

I can not believe that it is April already...actually we are half way through the month. Holy Moly! The spring has been very beautiful. Sunny days...a few wind storms and power failures along the way but that is spring on the island. Thank goodness for wood stoves to keep us warm when the power is shut off for 48 hours! Yikes man. Living out here that means that you have NO electricity AND NO water use...no flushing toilets or using the sinks. This ain't the city baby. We rough it out here and that is exactly why we love it. :o)

Spring means longer days and sunshine and fresh scented breezes of spring flowers. It truly is a glorious time of year. I feel very much like spring myself this year. Old and dead leaves of skin are finally coming off me...exposing the beautiful layers underneath that have been hidden for years and years. I just wasn't ready for the soul rejuvenation before this I guess. And now that it is all happening, I am so relieved. I have never felt more alive in my life...well at least not in my adult life. I almost feel the "carefreedom" I had when I was a little girl. You know, that feeling like everything surrounding is good and right and no harm can come to you because you are protected because you are young and gentle and precious. I lost that. I haven't felt precious in a VERY long time. I felt like a used up old dish cloth...but the one that was favoured and used so much because of it's cleaning capabilities and the vibrancy it USED to have. The more that cloth got used the more holes wore through and the colour was faded away and it got to the point where it should be thrown away but it is washed clean but then kept in the back of the towel drawer where no one sees it anymore and it has become useless. Ha! I have been in the dark at the back of the drawer feeling useless and all used up. No good to any one anymore.

Well, I have been re-crocheted...in bolder colours and stronger yarn...diamonds and rubies have been crushed and put in the yarn to make it strong and durable. That's right...I am a gem!!

We all do things in our life that we are proud of...but then we also do things in our life that we wish we could take back...turn back time and re-do a day to make the outcome the opposite. When we are not focused on each moment and enjoying each of those moments we get lost. The more we ignore where we are, the more unconscious we become in every day. To do this we have to let go of past issues that have bogged our brains down...or worries of the future and what it holds for us. Does any of that matter??? No! Yesterday does nothing for today except the fact that we lived through it and are in another brand new day today. That is the beauty of living. No matter how any day goes for us...we have to go to sleep and wake up in a brand new day! How freakin' amazing is that? Our lives will NEVER be perfect...far from it. But, we can let the things that get under our skin just float right by us. Like for instance...with me...I can go walking on the beach in a t-shirt, walk right by family with a few children. They can point and stare and ask their parents questions "mom! (in a loud voice) what is wrong with that lady?? Why does she only have one arm??" Normally in a case like this I would quicken my pace and have that self loathing conversation in my head... "Uh, Pam, you are so ugly. Why am I like this? Why did I have to be born so different...what IS wrong with me???" Nothing is wrong with me. In fact, children...I was born missing my right arm. I came right out of my mommy's belly just like this. And I can do everything you can do. That is my new reaction. I don't mind kids being curious...that is okay. I can still feel good about myself and not go into a dark cave in my brain that hides my emotions and shuts me off. I don't NEED to do that. I can be happy and not let those things hurt me. They are not meant to hurt me so why take it that way? Duh right? Of course, so simple. Now it is just putting this into practice and living my life as a conscious and happy woman. The Power of Now! It IS so important. I am happier than ever.

I still have my wonderful husband beside me. I am more in love with him than ever before. How can that be when I though I couldn't love him anymore as I did when we first started dating. Well, I was in my cave back then. Lost in a dark world, not seeing any light...not even at the end of a tunnel. But now I am in the light. And learning daily how to shine bright. I am happy to be alive and well. Are you??

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Rain, rain please go far, far away!!

Literally, it has been raining for like ever!! Okay, maybe yesterday it didn't rain until 2 pm and it was actually sunny first thing in the morning. But we have been having torrential down pours...well torrential for the West Coast. When it "rains" here it is more like a mist...heavy drizzling, it NEVER pours when you are on the coast. It does at times come down like sheets, but it lasts for mere minutes before it relapses back to it's comfortable sprinkle. The kind that you can still go walking outside in and not carry an umbrella. You will get wet, but it really ain't that bad. I HATE umbrella's...so you would come to the conclusion that I would never, ever survive in a climate such as the coast of British Columbia. Seriously, it does not rain that bad here. If I wear a hoodie or a wider brimmed hat I stay fairly dry. If my jacket is waterproof or thick at least I can manage to stay reasonably dry. Dry enough that when I take my coat off I do not get the chills instantly. I will always take any opportunity to warm up in front of a fire though...raining outside or not. The heat that you get from a fire is like no other. I love to sit or lay in front of our woodstove with the doors ajar and soak up the heat. It's lovely. ;o) Anyhow, why do I detest umbrella's...it's not that I am not a fan of the brilliant colours that many umbrella's consist of. There sure are some pretty snazzy looking ones out there...some that even I, have pondered on whether or not I should spend the $20 and purchase the pretty little hand held, cumbersome rain shield. $20 that I would spend and then never get my money's worth because I NEVER use the damn thing. If I am holding an umbrella in my hand, that is it for me. That is what I am doing...no picking up something I dropped or answering my cel phone (back in the day when I carried one cause I was obseesed with texting and being able to talk with someone when you are walking up the sidewalk alone and wish you had someone there to talk to.) or doing anything at all that requires the use of at least one of your arms. I HATE IT!!!! The thoughts that run through my head at any of these embarrassing occassions go like this... "I don't want to put this damn umbrella down,the second I do people that are around me walking by and watching me are going to wonder why the heck I put my umbrella down on the ground, then they will notice I have one arm and stare at me...I hate this shit." That is a mild taste of the commentary that runs through my head in situations in which I feel socially awkward because I am doing a task that varies from how the "normal" people would do them. I obviously still harbour self esteem issues about the fact that I am visibly different than practically everyone I know. I sometimes hate it...I sometimes enjoy it. It's all right to be different, to be unique and one of a kind. There aren't too many women in the world that are congenitally "different" like me. One arm, bent femur and a dislocated left hip. I was a mess I guess. ;o) The original pediatric orthopedic surgeon that my mom was sent to advised her to have my left leg amputated. Can you imagine that??? He said it would never grow...stay like a baby leg all of my life. Thank goodness for a strong willed and loving mother who was smart enough to ask for a second opinion. Two surgeries later...my legs are the same length. Thank you Dr. Huebert's! (father and son...dad did my knee surgery when I was 10, son did my leg surgery when I was 24!) Go team go!! ha ha.

Anyhow, the rain is depressing. My back and front yards are like miniature swamps and I am just waiting for some kind of green and icky monster to crawl out of it. I can't even go down into my garden because it is too wet and I sink into the ground. (And Maggie gets waay gross and wet and mucky and then walks back into my house.) I need to prepare my vegetable beds for the spring...compost!! Hopefully it will dry up for a few days and Clint and I can get that shit done and focus on indoor tasks. ;o)

Rain, rain PLEASE get the hell out of here...at least til next week.

Peace out.

Depression and politics...well sort of.

I am in the throes of major depression as I am typing this blog sitting at my desk in my cold computer room. I should turn the baseboard heater on in here but hydro is waaay too expensive and I prefer to use the wood stove anyways. Makes me really feel like I a true country girl. ;o) Clint chops the wood, brings it in and I like to stack it in neat piles when the pieces are lighter. I get wood envy when people have a wood shed that is overflowing with wood. I like when our firewood area is stuffed full inside the house. All that wood ready for me to burn to make my home toasty warm. Looks so pretty when the smoke is coming out of the chimney. My mom liked it too...she took pictures of it. ;o) My mom...

She is one of the key subjects to the reason of my depression. I don't want to leave the house or talk on the phone or do anything. I feel like a sloth, and it makes me feel lazy and useless but I really have no energy nor desire to do anything but lay on the couch watching absolutely nothing on my free 2 months of cable. I still can not figure out why people pay big bucks for this crap. Honestly, there is nothing good at any time of day or night on the TV. Anyhow, my depressive episodes began yesterday when my parents left the island. I just love having them around me so much. It is so awesome to be able to see them on a daily basis. Wake up in the morning and my dad is already up and has been for a while working on his laptop in my cold computer room or drinking coffee stoking the fire. And as I walk past the slightly open door to the bedroom my parents are sleeping in I can see my beautiful mommy lying still on her side of the bed and resting her sleepy head. (she never sleeps...total insomnia. I feel so bad for her.) I won't wake her up unless there is a reason for her to be up. I want her to get as much rest as she possibly can. But she usually gets up after she hears us all, up and about drinking coffee chatting at the kitchen table. It feels like being at home again...only different. My parents are so easy to be around...so loving and kind, funny, caring, hilarious and even feisty when I feel like having a debate...which is pretty much not a good idea. I get so mad when they don't agree with or understand my opinion on something that I have strong feelings about. I get all flustered and stomp my feet and talk loudly and wildly just like a child...like how I was as a kid and not getting my way with something. ha! But, 99% of the time we spend together is happy and fun. It's always like that, even when everyone is around...the whole fam damily. My sis, her hub and 3 girls. My bro, his wife and 2 boys and 2 girls. My Omi. We are all so great together. I love my family a lot. I miss them terribly when I am leaving their homes to come back to my own that is so incredibly far away from them and I know it may be a while until our next visit because it doesn't happen as much as I really wished it did...the trips to Winnipeg or Texas that is. And, of course when any of them have been out here staying at my place with me in my home, I get depressed when they leave and feel lonely and have a longing for the days when we were always all hanging out together. I always liked being at home and being with my family...so it's no wonder to me that I still love and always will love being with them. And even after I go through my sadness of separating from them after an amazing visit, each time after we part I always get back into my normal routines after enjoying our togetherness and it's suddenly not as bad as when we first parted. Point being...I like that feeling that I am living at home. Like as if I were a kid again and life is pretty darn simple because mom is always taking care of the necessities...while we help out of course, and dad is there to take care of us all.

I am not at all taking away from what I have now. I LOVE my life as it is at this very moment. I am deeply in love with Clint who was my really good friend for 7 years before we even started to date. Two years later we got married...something neither of us wanted to EVER do as we had both been married previously. Him to a psychotic, compulsive lying manipulative biatch. Me to a dirty...like actually dirty, like because he was a truckdriver and would be on the road for days and come home stinking so gross that I wouldn't want to touch him till he got out of the shower kind of asshole that was so crazily angry and mean and abusive that I had to get the flippin' heck outta that relationship. Ummm...no, I don't hate him. ;op Anyhow, Clint and I both felt that we did not ever want to get married again. But we were just so crazy about one another. So in love and so in tune with one another. We just get along so well. We talked about having a family and stuff so marriage seemed like it actually might be a good idea and work out this time. And you know, it was and is the best choice we made. We will be celebrating 5 happy and amazing years together on the 25th. Yay!! I found a man that loves me, takes care of me, laughs with and at me when the time is right, defends me and is just the very best husband to me that I couldn't even have imagined anything better than this in my wildest dreams prior to having him in my life. I am lucky to be married to Clint. It also helps that he is a major hunk of burning love!! ;o) And my parents also love him...that makes life pretty darn sweet. They constantly tell me how good he is to me and how I am so very lucky. And I always say "yes, I know".

Okay, enough of the history lesson. Let's get on with my feelings of sorrow, my mind and heart that won't stop aching and hurting for my parents. This is where my depression now turns to politics...politics in the sense that I am thinking too much about how slow and stupid the American government is. The department of the government that deals with immigration...I guess that would be called the U.S. Immigration Department. Well, I hate them very much right now. They are making my parents lives overly difficult right now. Let me explain...my dad's work is such that he needs to travel through Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana and New Mexico on a regular basis in order to meet up with clients of his. He works full time for a wholesale rose company in the states for whom he sells stock to local nursery and greenhouses in those aforementioned states. He also works part time for a wholesale nursery that sells fancy shrubbery and trees and stuff. His territory with that company is North and South Dakota, Idaho, Wyoming and Montana. So he travels through those states in the summer months and my mom takes that opportunity to be up north in Manitoba to visit with the family. Because of this work they moved down to Texas 7 years ago to be closer to where he traveled to most. That way he would always be closer to home and never gone for that long at one time. And now my mom goes with him a lot more as the trips are shorter and she doesn't have to be away from home all that often. Anyhow, my dad has been through all the stages of work visa's that you need to prior to being able to apply for your permanent residence...your Green Card. The paperwork has all been put together for this and sent to the U.S. Dept. of Immigration...although it originally was sent later than was supposed to because the stupid asshole old lawyer at one of my dad's work forgot to send it off asap because he was taking to many liquid lunches or whatever...thank god that jack ass is no longer employed with them. (That guy deserves a knuckle sandwich!) So the paperwork is there and was supposed have come back in September. It is now Nov 17th!! Still nothing. And because they are not in the U.S. they are not allowed to return until my dad's office has received the final Green Card that gives them the right to live at their home down south. My mom has not been home since August...she just wants to be able to go home, wear different clothes than she has been for the last three months, sleep in her own bed, work in her own kitchen, weed her flower beds, see her friends, just be in her own frickin' home. And my dad wants the same. They just want their life back and the U.S. government is not allowing that to happen in a timely manner. BullShit!!! They went to the border yesterday after leaving here just to see if they would let them through after explaining the dire situation that they are in. No sympathy from the callous border guard...of course...what else do we expect? :o( My mom is depressed. So that makes me feel helpless and so sad and I just wish that there was something that I could do, but of course I can't and so it makes me feel even more upset. Last night I spent hours and hours crying for them. I hate when my parents are sad. I suppose any child hates it when their parents are not the happy people that we always expect that they are or should be. They have emotions and feelings just like us. They are not superhuman like we always imagine when we are growing up. They are exactly like the children they span...human. And I just want my human parents to be happy and safe at their own home.

That was long winded...I needed to get it all out. I haven't been answering my phone...I don't want to talk about it because it makes me cry. I call my parents to find out where they are and how they are doing. They spent tonight in Banff. At least they are somewhere pretty. and this whole green card mess is what allowed them to visit me this fall too...so that is a good thing, kind of. But now it's time for them to be able to return to the home and life they have made for themselves down south...down in the U.S. :o( Wish they were still living up north, even though I like to go to Texas and the warmth in the winters when we get to. ;o) Anyhow, that is what is plagueing my mind. Let's get to work Immigration employees...do your job! Argh!!!!

Peace out...

MIA

Yes...I am still here. Just missing in action on the computer for the last little while...so sorry! ;op I ended up going to the Big "PRETTY SHITTY" City, as I like to call it. Don't get me wrong. I do love Vancouver...quite a bit. I mean I lived there for 9 years prior to escaping the bustling centre of far too much activity with little to no meaning. And I did enjoy that hustle and bustle for a while. I honestly just got sick of the Orphan Annie eyed peeps there. Remember her eyes in the comic books?? She had white eyes...no pupils no iris...just blank eyes. And in turn those blank, dead eyes gave absolutely no emotion what so ever. Like, her words in each frame would make you imagine that their is emotion. That she had feelings, real feelings about her life and her dog and the people surrounding her. But by looking at her face...those eyes...nothing, nada. And that is exactly what I started feeling about a lot of the residents of Vancouver. I totally had a core group of amazing friends who were so cool and thoughtful and full of many emotions. But that was just my small group of peeps that I met and started friendships with since leaving the grand old city of Winnipeg, in friendly Manitoba. The rest of the lot...well, I suppose I should say that the lot of them that have their lives downtown mostly. Cause it was there...downtown, that I started to really despise. The vibes there can be so insane. For instance...walking down the street, passing someone on the sidewalk, you smile at them and say hello. They hold their purse tighter and don't make eye contact. Or, they give you a sort of menacing scowl because they think you are a piece of shit. Or, if you try to make conversation with someone at some sort of establishment downtown...they really don't want to know, or care to know what you have to say. They know enough people, have enough friends and aquaintances to speak to you. It would be a waste of breath on their part. Fake. Fake. Boring and crude. Maybe others don't see it this way. But I certainly did. Now that I am far away from there...I feel better about people. I have regained my sense of security in the fact that there truly are some fabulous caring people out there. There still exist communities where everyone looks out for one another. Where you feel like you are in this big huge extended family. When you know that if you were in any sort of trouble, or bind or just needing an ear to listen...someone is just around the corner to be there. It's an amazing feeling and I forgot all about how it does feel. And how it goes. And how I am that same way. I started missing Winnipeg like crazy before moving here. I am glad we made this move cause I don't think I could stand the frigid winters out east ever again. lol

Anyhow, I went to the Couv to hook up with my folks who came into BC to see me! :o) (And Clint too of course...being that he is their son-in-law and he is an amazing husband that cares and loves and treasures their daughter as much as they do.) Well I met up with them there...spent a night in Burnaby at my Uncle's the ferried out here...to paradise. I LOVE having them here. I get such a charge when I am with family. Family is #1 man. You may not choose who your parents or siblings or grandparents or cousins etx are...but when there is such amazing love within the family, I cannot imagine any better feeling in the world than that unconditional pure, simple love. I am blessed with the bestest family! ;o) Thank God. I feel sorry for those that who do not have a close relationship with theirs. It's sad to me. Hopefully people that are in that situation have great friens who are a support to them. I know I treat my friends with shite families in a way where they feel a lot of love and encouragement and that nourishment that your family can give you. But I suppose I am that way to my friends that have the loving family too. I mean, like, I really just love the people in my life...family and friends and community. Love really does make the world go round. Without love we have a blackhole of despair. A smile, a hug and helping hand all go a long way...truly an amazing thing.

Bed time for Bonzo...that would be me. Got another long day of fun with my folks...hip hip hooray!!!! ;o)

Peace....

Maggie May

Have you ever fell in love? I mean like REALLY fell in love...but not with a partner. With an animal. I have loved pretty much every animal that I have come into contact with..I just totally love animals...and their innocence. Sweeties. Of course I have loved my own animals as much as humanly possible. My first pets of my own...meaning in my home not living with my parents, were Syder and Wensday. Two most lovable cats. I could now spend a few hours writing about them and how wonderful they were and are..(Syder died 4 years ago this coming December. He was the raddest.)but I will devote an entire blog to those guys at a later time...or they will have their own individual blog because my love is so deep for the both of them. But this blog...it's all about Maggie. Maggie May the beautiful Blue Heeler and whatever else is in her. lol

I spoke a bit of Maggie a couple blogs ago already. How she is the sweetest thing...13 years old and just wanting attention, love, cuddles, yummy food, warm bed and walks. Her sweetness is a bit surreal. She will just always stay by my side. I believe that we have fallen in pet/"owner" love with one another. I may not be her real owner but she stays with me quite a bit. I just want to pamper her like crazy. Make her feel like a Diva...in doggie ways. She has always been the "wandering dog". Roaming around, house to house...still going to her real home but spending nights elsewhere sometimes. And now that she lives on this island she is always around the hood...walking up the road, standing in the middle of the main road on the yellow line. I never know if she does it cause she knows cars will slow down and avoid her or if she is just losing it being an old pup. Who knows... Maggie! ;o)

The first time I met Maggie was almost a year ago now, she was on the road and it was late, like around midnight. She was wandering in the middle of the street, so I slowed down and opened the window to tell her to go home, wherever home was. I had no clue whose dog she was or anything. But I thought she was just a dirty old mangy dumb dog. A couple other times it happened that same way, at night, in the middle of the road but by this time I had found out where she lived and what her name was...so I would get her in my backseat and drop her off at her driveway. A few months later we moved down the street from one of Maggie's homes. She lives in two homes...one is the woman who was given her by her old neighbour in West Van, she lives up the hill from us and then her son's place is up the street from us and so our places make a triangular loop for Maggie to go from house to house. She started to come over to our place when she would smell our BBQ. Or sometimes when it was raining and she was locked out of her homes she would come over and I would let her lie beside the fire to dry and warm up. She just started coming over more and more and now she is here more days than not. I get really sad and feel alone when she is not here...I miss her like crazy. My husband thinks I am a wee bit nuts for my obsession with Maggie. But he too adores little Maggie May the wonderfully sweet dog.

She left this past Friday...obviously to her other home, I was constantly looking out the kitchen window to see if she was walking up our driveway. Yes...crazy. I just wanted to know she was warm and indoors and what not. Today a friend of mine called me from work and said Maggie was there. I drove over there to pick her up. She started whining and rubbing her face on my legs and wagging her tail ferociously...she was super stoked to see me. How cute! I thought she was just out and about wandering today and happened to end up at V's work. Turns out she was forgotten at someones home last night and walked all the way back to our end of the island...long walk for her. I think she may have slept in the forest. ;o( I know that she is only a dog and that dogs sleep outside all of the time. But I don't want Maggie to. She has bad arthritis in her legs and hips. I want her to be comfortable at all times. That is important to me. And I make it my top priority when I am with there that these needs are met. I think Maggie appreciates it.

Anyhow...she is sleeping soundly on her bed right now. I can probably stop writing about her and go to bed myself! ;op But I just felt like writing about Maggie...Maggie May. I actually made a little ditty up for her. I sing it to the tune of Peggy Sue. ( well it pretty much is the song, but it's for Maggie and not Peggy!)

Maggie Moo
Maggie Moo
Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty Maggie Moo
Oh my Maggie...my Maggie Moo-oo-oo, ooh-oooh oooh ooooh ooh oooh
oh well I love ya girl and I need you Maggie Moo.

I say Maggie Moo for two reasons...
1. It rhymes better.
2. She has black patches on her like a cow...cute eh??

I love Maggie.

Peace.

Excitement...

I am getting pretty stoked and I just wanted to quickly write it before I go to lala land...that is IF I actually fall asleep. One of the things I like with my insomnia is that for the short periods in which I do fall asleep even if it's totally lucid...I always dream. And if I am enjoying a dream and wish I was still in it when I wake up...I can will myself back into it...most of the time. Now THAT I know I like, I like that a whole bunch!! :o)

Anyhow...my excitement, where does it stem from you ponder??? My parents are coming out west to visit us! Wheeee! I am so freakin' happy, elated, just, well, you know beside myself with bliss. ;o) I love my parents, we are close. We have an awesome relationship and I am truly grateful for that. In fact I love my family more than I can even believe at times. I hear friends speak of their family, and quite a number of my friends DO in fact talk this way...they genuinely "enjoy" the company of their family members but can go without seeing them. That makes absolutely no sense to me at all. I can not imagine not seeing my parents or siblings as much as I possibly can. And it's not as often as I would like being that there are three provinces between them and me. I also have 5 nieces and 2 nephews, whom I adore. Who I would throw myself under a moving train for, if that was ever put in front of me as a situation that I was dealt with. I never imagined I could love a child so much. I have always liked children...always been the one to entertain them when there was a function of any kind. But I liked it, I like being a kid myself sometimes...well, quite a bit actually. I love laughing. Best feeling in the world besides been madly and deeply in love with your partner. I would love to be a mother myself one day. Although imagining the intensity of love I would have for them really freaks me out too. But I want that love. I really do.

So...yes. My folks will be here next week! Yay! I hope it does not rain the whole time they are here. They came out last October and it did most of the time. Sunny weather please bless us! (insert sun dance here) My mom loves beachcombing, finding all of the purple starfish and weird jellyfish with the flowerlike brown centres and all of the mussels and broken oyster shells from hungry and greedy seagulls tearing them apart for breakfast...and, to enjoy all of the ocean's splendour, well it sure is way better when it's sunny out. ;o)

Peace, love & daisies.

WTF??

Sundai went home...not Erin like we wanted!! I can't believe. Oh yeah...it's television...it's not real, even though it is a reality show. Ha! Ah well...what can I say. I indulge in "pop culture"...even though reality TV to me is not the PURE pop culture...it's kind of crap. And we suck that shit down like there was nothing else to munch on in the world...too funny!

Just cuz I watched the ANTM merely 2 hours ago...I feel as though I must rant a bit. Rant because I have this platform right now that I am able to rant from. Same as if it were my own diary...my own personal and private scribblings that make me feel better once I release them from these tormented thoughts of mine. But not like they actually haunt me anymore...I have actually let go of the feelings that used to rush through my core and make me sick with jealousy of others and hatred and pity for myself. Whatever...this is what I was thinking right now.

In my past I have completely and utterly hated myself...my face, my body, my asymmetry, my voice most everything that is me. These days I actually love myself...I may not be 100% in love with my body, I have the cellulite and other gross stuff women complain about. But that's just it. All women have something they don't like about their body.Therefore I AM normal! Whoa! What a realization that was when I first, well realized it. Ack! But then you get put into certain circumstances in which others make will make you feel less than normal...in fact, quite inadequate. You know, just not right. But you go along with it because it makes you feel accepted. Well, I have been there all throughout my life. And this whole ANTM, looking for the next "perfect" girl makes me secretly think about me and my own imperfection. I...must...write about it!

Obviously, anyone who is born with things that are not quite the norm...like, "Is my baby healthy with ten fingers and ten toes" sort of thing, there may be more than the usual self loath and pity and shyness and lack of self esteem. So for me, I have always felt less than everyone else I have EVER in my life come in contact with. Even if I never outwardly acted that way...I felt it. There were some crazy and bizarre instances in my earlier years that strike me now as intense anti-ego stimulators...but I am going for the later years right now. Cause that is what is plagueing my mind.

I started working in film in 2002 in Vancouver. I was pretty stoked about it. I was going to be in "the movies"!! My first "role" was that of a rave girl who got her arm ripped off by a zombie and therefore turned into a zombie herself. I loved it! I am the hugest fan of horror...well, A huge fan. So getting this gig was pretty cool. The way I got into the film world, I feel I must add, was through my friends brother telling me that he was getting good work in film because he was black, and there aren't a ton of black people in the lower mainland that do extra work and even in general. So he got a lot of work. He said that they would surely need someone like me...cause I am unique too! ;op I fell for it and got into film. Well I was needed and required and unique. And I would be getting paid better $$ than any other extra would. Of course I always was given a role of someone that had an arm torn off, chopped off, sawed off or fell of due to lepresy or some weird disease that causes your armto fall off because you are so gross and
"dieased". It would have been cool to actually be wanted because of the way I look...you know my face or whatever...and have arole of just a woman. Not a "one armed" woman who is useful for this one short scene. But of course that was just a fantasy of mine. Thinking that the film world would accept me as anything other than cheap special effects. Ha!

Same with my modeling. I loved doing it. But only photographers that are REAL and actually found me and my body beautiful actually respected me the way that I deserved. I have been in situations where I realized I was nothing but a "prop" for a shoot. How embarassing. Here I was thinking that maybe, just maybe I was beautiful or had a unique face...or whatever my mind wanted to believe. "I am not an animal!!!" John Merrick. I sometimes feel as though I am. Behind a glass window to be gawked and jeered at. Made fun of. I am not a model, a real model. I modeled because cool photographers saw a beauty in me that they felt they could encapsulate. Some have done it. Others shot in vain. But I don't care what it was and what it meant to them. I got cool photos...I felt good doing it. (most of the time)So it was an experience that I am glad I had in my life. I am almost 35...it's not like I can do stuff like that much longer. Age is catching up! ha ha ha ha!!

Okay...that's it. Time to hit the sack. Try to sleep again. Tomorrow Shaw is coming to install cable that we get free for 2 months!! And then I can cancel...no charge. Haven't had cable for like at least 8 years. And it's 200 channels, plus movies on demand. Oh my word!!! How will I adjust to this. Scary I tell you. :o)

Peace and sweet dreams...xo