Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Where does the time fly...seriously.

I can not believe that it is April already...actually we are half way through the month. Holy Moly! The spring has been very beautiful. Sunny days...a few wind storms and power failures along the way but that is spring on the island. Thank goodness for wood stoves to keep us warm when the power is shut off for 48 hours! Yikes man. Living out here that means that you have NO electricity AND NO water use...no flushing toilets or using the sinks. This ain't the city baby. We rough it out here and that is exactly why we love it. :o)

Spring means longer days and sunshine and fresh scented breezes of spring flowers. It truly is a glorious time of year. I feel very much like spring myself this year. Old and dead leaves of skin are finally coming off me...exposing the beautiful layers underneath that have been hidden for years and years. I just wasn't ready for the soul rejuvenation before this I guess. And now that it is all happening, I am so relieved. I have never felt more alive in my life...well at least not in my adult life. I almost feel the "carefreedom" I had when I was a little girl. You know, that feeling like everything surrounding is good and right and no harm can come to you because you are protected because you are young and gentle and precious. I lost that. I haven't felt precious in a VERY long time. I felt like a used up old dish cloth...but the one that was favoured and used so much because of it's cleaning capabilities and the vibrancy it USED to have. The more that cloth got used the more holes wore through and the colour was faded away and it got to the point where it should be thrown away but it is washed clean but then kept in the back of the towel drawer where no one sees it anymore and it has become useless. Ha! I have been in the dark at the back of the drawer feeling useless and all used up. No good to any one anymore.

Well, I have been re-crocheted...in bolder colours and stronger yarn...diamonds and rubies have been crushed and put in the yarn to make it strong and durable. That's right...I am a gem!!

We all do things in our life that we are proud of...but then we also do things in our life that we wish we could take back...turn back time and re-do a day to make the outcome the opposite. When we are not focused on each moment and enjoying each of those moments we get lost. The more we ignore where we are, the more unconscious we become in every day. To do this we have to let go of past issues that have bogged our brains down...or worries of the future and what it holds for us. Does any of that matter??? No! Yesterday does nothing for today except the fact that we lived through it and are in another brand new day today. That is the beauty of living. No matter how any day goes for us...we have to go to sleep and wake up in a brand new day! How freakin' amazing is that? Our lives will NEVER be perfect...far from it. But, we can let the things that get under our skin just float right by us. Like for instance...with me...I can go walking on the beach in a t-shirt, walk right by family with a few children. They can point and stare and ask their parents questions "mom! (in a loud voice) what is wrong with that lady?? Why does she only have one arm??" Normally in a case like this I would quicken my pace and have that self loathing conversation in my head... "Uh, Pam, you are so ugly. Why am I like this? Why did I have to be born so different...what IS wrong with me???" Nothing is wrong with me. In fact, children...I was born missing my right arm. I came right out of my mommy's belly just like this. And I can do everything you can do. That is my new reaction. I don't mind kids being curious...that is okay. I can still feel good about myself and not go into a dark cave in my brain that hides my emotions and shuts me off. I don't NEED to do that. I can be happy and not let those things hurt me. They are not meant to hurt me so why take it that way? Duh right? Of course, so simple. Now it is just putting this into practice and living my life as a conscious and happy woman. The Power of Now! It IS so important. I am happier than ever.

I still have my wonderful husband beside me. I am more in love with him than ever before. How can that be when I though I couldn't love him anymore as I did when we first started dating. Well, I was in my cave back then. Lost in a dark world, not seeing any light...not even at the end of a tunnel. But now I am in the light. And learning daily how to shine bright. I am happy to be alive and well. Are you??