The miracle of life...

I have always been intrigued with the whole beginning process of life...starting with the sperm swimming it's way to it's final destination of entering the egg for fertilization. I remember the first time ever seeing that happen on TV...I think it was on the Discovery channel or maybe TLC waaaaaay back in the day. (I was still in high school, that's seems like a lifetime ago!) It was that same documentary, that they ended with the actual birth of a baby...that was over the top incredible to me. I knew how it all happened from learning about it in science class in grade 7...but to actually have the visual of it all just blew my mind. I have always enjoyed newborn babies. Going to the hospital to visit my younger cousins after they were born, then my older cousins having babies and then my friends going through it all. I just loved it. But out of all the new babies I ever got to meet...my little nieces and nephews were the most special. I remember the first time I held Samuel, (my brother's first child...first of all my 7 nieces and nephews to be born) the warmth that encompassed my soul was almost too much to bear. He was so very special...we had the same blood pumped by our hearts running through our veins. I cried with joy...tears spilling out of my eyes and dropping onto his little blue onesie. He was a part of me and I him. Looking into his big blue eyes I felt such great love and adoration...my sweet little nephew. I had always wanted children of my own...after that first glorious meeting with Samuel, the fever grew strong. ;o) But more than that...it made me feel so proud of being a woman. Just being a part of the human race that is blessed to have that ability bestowed upon me. Me, with my ovaries, fallopian tubes and uterus which would grow the eggs to be fertilized and consequently be fed and nourished inside my body to create a little being that would forever change my life and others. I feel that because of this, women have the best job in the universe. And even if I don't ever have the chance to do so myself, I still feel that I am lucky to be a woman and have it all inside of me anyways. I am woman...hear me roar! ;o)

ROAR!! That brings me to exactly where I was last Saturday...roaring and all the above. I was there, witnessing and documenting the miracle of birth. What a humbling and beautiful moment in time that was. Little baby Star was born on December 1, 2012 at 8:55 pm. He is gorgeous in every little way. I really had no idea what to expect when I came home from dog walking to a message from Tim saying that Lisa was in labour and that they were in Nanaimo at the Mid-Wifery house...and could I still be there to take photos. Ummm, yeah, of course I am still into it! ;o) Little fella decided to come out 2 weeks early...so Saggitarrian of him! ;o) I quickly made up an overnight bag, kissed Clint, Maggie, Larry and Wensday good-bye and headed for the ferry. By the time I got to the home, they were just leaving to go to the hospital. Lisa had Group Strep B (some kind of something that pregnant women can get that they have to be wary of.) and after 18 hours since her water broke, she had to be put on anti-biotics to keep the baby safe from getting it. For Lisa, this is not how she imagined her birth would go...but are birth stories ever the way we expect? Once they were settled into a hospital room, we got a call from the Doula letting us know we could come. (we being; Lisa's mother, Laura, her best friend and me, friend and photographer for the day.) When we arrived things were moving along...the oxytocin drip was helping her contractions speed up and remain constant so that actual active labour could happen. From being on the bouncy birth ball to the tub and then onto the bed with Tim always at her side, so quiet and so focused on being there for Lisa...I documented all the precious moments. I have never witnessed such love and admiration and full on "I am here for you babe" from a man to his woman. Through all of her contractions and breathing it out, he was there every step of the way. Looking into her eyes, sending his warm love and strength into her very soul...that is a true testament of unabiding love...it was beautiful to me. It finally came down to the time where the pushing starts...2 1/2 hours after we all arrived. This is where the term "I am woman, hear me roar" must have come from. The low, primal roaring that came out of Lisa's mouth was fascinating. I have never, in my entire life, heard a noise like that coming out of any human being...it just made the whole moment in time seem so real, so natural and just so overwhelmingly human...more human than I have ever sensed before. The moment you could actually see the tip of the head almost made me drop to my knees. I felt the urge to weep, the tears started to well up and my throat choke...I used every bit of strength in me to hold it back. I needed to stay focused so that I could have it all on film (or memory card, I would have to say...just doesn't sound as cool) for Lisa and Tim and little baby Star to look back upon and remember those precious moments. Tim then came down to where baby was coming through to the other side...Laura took over at the helm...holding Lisa's hands and being her strength. When Star's head came fully out, my heart literally felt like sunshine...the purity, the warmth, the beauty and the preciousness was almost too much to bear. Seconds later out he came and his daddy grabbed him to lay him on top of Lisa's chest. "Oh my god, Oh my god...I love you, I love you, I love you" were the words that came out of Lisa's mouth. I can't even explain how ultimate that moment was. Breathtaking, beautiful, magnificent, precious, amazing...I just don't think there is a single word to describe it. It changed my life forever. I was so high. I was high for days after...high on life. I just feel so incredibly blessed that I was invited to such an intimate occasion. That Lisa and Tim trusted and loved me enough to request that I be the one to help them keep those memories alive. 20 minutes after Star was born we toasted with a bottle of Proseca...welcome to the world Star! 

The drive back to catch the 10:25 ferry home was when my emotions came a flowing. One of my fears of being there was that I would feel jealous. I know that sounds silly and super selfish of me...but it has been years of trying for Clint and I that when I hear someone is pregnant I have such mixed emotions. I am so super happy for them, happy that a new life has been made...but also sad for Clint and I that we might never get to experience that joy. Oh ego...you are so mean! ;o) But, when I shed tears in my quiet van...they were tears of joy and peace. I thanked God for the miracle of life and that I got to witness it first hand. I felt blessed beyond belief. I got home and called my mom...it was 1:00 am her time...she was actually still awake! We spoke for a while and it just felt so wonderful. It made me appreciate my mom even more than that very morning. My mom went through the roaring just to bring me into this world...thanks mom...I love you so very much. <3 :o=":o" am="am" b="b" for="for" giving="giving" life...i="life...i" little="little" me="me" miracles.="miracles." of="of" one="one" thank="thank" you="you" your="your">

Oh man...my keyboard is a little wet now! hee hee. I am such a cry baby. ;o)

All right...today is December 9th...three days til 12/12/12! I just learned something even more exciting about that day. There will not be another repetitive date in my lifetime...not until January 1, 2101! 01/01/01. So, like that is way super cool to me. Here's a shout out to others born on December 12...Frank Sinatra (RIP), Bob Barker, Jennifer Connelly, Dionne Warwick, Connie Francis, Mayim Bialik (Blossom!), Sheila E, Edvard Munch and even Colonel Sanders (KFC...also RIP). I am a little jealous of any child who turns 12 this year...that would be THE best birthday ever!!! :o) Anyhow, below is another little video montage installment of my daily 12:12 since November 19.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Happiness is...

"A Thumb and a Blanket." Hee hee...well that is what Linus from the Peanuts would say. We had a bath towel that had his image with those words on it growing up. It was my favourite towel to use after a long bath...must've been used by me and my siblings thousands of times. It became one of those towels that had been used and loved so much it was nearly see through...yet still kept up its drying power. ;o) Last time I saw the towel...there was only a piece of it. It had been cut up in about 6 pieces to make cleaning cloths for around the house. Kind of made me sad seeing a 'piece' of memory shredded and dirty and used up sitting on top of a pile of old rags in the garage at my parents home. The nice part about that whole scenario was that it WAS there...that piece of old towel was still around. It had been moved with them from Manitoba down to Texas 10 years ago...meaning, my mom might also have my affliction of holding memories in an inanimate object. I like how a piece of furniture, or a knick knack can send you back in time...make you think back to a happy moment in life that can make you smile, give you joy and peace in your heart. An overall warmth over the body, soul and heart...lovely. To me, that is a whole lot what life is about. The moments of bliss, of peace, of happiness and hilarity. To be able to look back and feel good about a time in your life is a wonderful thing...it's that feeling we need to keep with us so that the moments we are in are amazing enough that it will be a good memory one day too.

My birthday is fast approaching...this is an obvious time for looking back and remembering life, the good and bad times all come flooding when you are searching back. But I focus on the good...for the bad times had their purpose and lessons have already been learned, so no need to dwell on unhappiness or negativity. To age is a wonderful thing...I am not worried or sad that I am almost 40. It doesn't scare me or make me feel "too old". It makes me feel excited. I can't even fathom the new experiences I still have yet to have...life has so much to offer. Each day is pretty awesome no matter what you are doing...going to work, staying at home, traveling, running errands, sick in bed...whatevs, it is what it is and you got to just enjoy it or take care of the moment so it can be enjoyed to whatever extent that may be. Every breath is a gift.

The excited part about my birthday this year is the date...the numbers. 12/12/12 That is insanely cool to me...would be cooler if it were my 12th birthday. (somebody will turn twelve that day...lucky devil!) ;o) So...I am pretty stoked about this year. I am not planning any big party or anything. It just is going to be a magical day because it just is...and I ain't much for my own party. But something that will cause much excitement and joy and magic is what I actually might be doing that day...if it works out. My friend Lisa has asked me to photograph the birth of her first child! What? For real? Ohhhh yeah!!! I may just get to witness the birth of life on my birthday...that would be the most bestest gift in my lifetime. ;o) The baby is due on the 13th...so you never know! I am just so blessed to have been asked to join such an intimate and emotional journey with my friend, her boyfriend and the family that will be there. I know it will be one of those life changing moments...a memory that forever will bring happiness to my soul. I just feel so lucky to be welcomed to such an event. I may never get the chance to have it as a personal experience for myself...so to have the opportunity to be there with someone that I love and care for so deeply will be the very next best thing. Happiness is life...that is something I need to everyday remind myself of, and keep on smiling. ;o)

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All right...I am behind the times in my "Project 12:12". I have been a recluse for the last 5 weeks...taking care of myself. Plus, the last 2 weeks our truck has been dead...that makes it way easy to be a recluse! lol All of my time has been at home...just doing regular life. You know...eating, sleeping, walking the dogs, watching TV and movies, staring out the window, trying to help keep the house clean and of course taking pictures. hee hee. So here are my 12:12 moments from October 20-Nov 18th (today!)...nothing too exciting...but thew music is! ;o) 24 days left til 12/12/12...let the excitement begin! 
(photo disclaimer: visually, my life may not look too exciting...given most of my time is at home. But I am still enjoying staring out at the sea, watching tug boats, enjoying my daisies that are still alive in November, loving my animals, watching some good old movies, having a friend visit, going for walks and of course taking long hot baths...I just simply, love life.)

Today is a bleak blustery day...it might be yet another watch the boob tube kind of day. I am still giving this arm rest...well, except for this blog typing...ouch! I got to start vlogging now! lol Peace out party people in da house!! xox

It's that day again...

The one day out of the year that we are reminded of all the men and women who gave their lives for freedom of people, freedom of speech and freedom to live. 

I am definitely not a supporter of war by any means...I just don't like fighting. (did enough of it as a kid!) I feel things could be done so differently. But that is me being an optimist...believing that everyone just wants peace. But it ain't the case unfortunately. There are some people out there who are just wanting to make a fight...they love the drama of it. Like as if life is some Hollywood movie production and it has to be as gory and mean and shocking as possible. It is so sad to me and I'm sure billions of others too.

Anyhow...today is not the day for me to spew my opinions of war. Today is the day...the one day out of 365 that we NEED to take a moment and be grateful for the soldiers who fought for us to be free. Our Grand Fathers and Grand Mothers...Great ones too. A lot of them died so that we could live. And thankful too for the soldiers who are fighting now...those who have given their lives in my lifetime. You are brave. Thank you. I will always remember.

Peace and love to everyone today and always. xox

Thank God for the sun today!

Man oh man...does the sunshine ever make such a huge difference to the way I feel physically. But more importantly, how I feel mentally and emotionally. The sunshine lifts my spirits and brightens my soul...I feel the warmth of the sun penetrate me fully...and I LOVE it! What a reprieve from the rain and chill we have been enduring. And just think...it's only just begun! lol I am just always so grateful for these sunny breaks that we do get during the bleak months. It really does lift the clouds away. Everyone is in a better mood when the sun is shining. 

Today I decided to take full advantage of the sunshine and take the dogs for a walk in the neighbourhood...I needed to get the mail anyways. ;o) I also felt the urge to be creative and informative...using both sides of the brain! hee hee. I have seen a few videos on YouTube with the titles reading something like..."How to make a peanut butter sandwich with one arm", and others. The people making these videos have two arms but one is tied to their side or under their shirt. They fumble around the kitchen or hallway or bench where they are trying to their shoe with only using one arm. So...how can it be a "How To" video. Well...they at least are good attempts at trying to do something differently than what you know or are comfortable with. These videos made me want to show how easy these tasks really can be with only using one arm. When everything you do is with one arm it is as normal as using two. ;o)

Anyhow...I made a video today...that was me being creative. And it is a "How To" video...that was me being informative. You can see the video HERE! Peace out!

Oh woe is me...there, I said it.

I love life...I really do. I am generally an extremely happy and positive person. I am one of those 'glass half full' kind of peeps...yes, some people find us types annoying! lol I really don't see the harm in trying to find the happy in everything. For our happiness comes from how we choose to see things...how we read the messages in each moment. We can see it as a bad thing or find the positive aspect in whatever has just happened. That is how I try to be...and at times it is a struggle. So I find that I will have those moments where I feel like I have had enough...frustration creeps in and I am just done with it. See ya...keeping myself holed up in the house and I ain't coming out. I would like to think that even the happiest man alive...Mr. Lama...you know, the Dalai...I'd like to think that he too has a day that just blows. (I mean...he is human) Especially because he is a big man on campus that is kept up to date with everything going on in the world...and there is a lot of crap going on. (big reason I do not watch the news...it's a sad and hateful world some times) He must just be like "WTF people!! If y'all just saw the good in things, forgave your neighbours, loved your neighbours, helped those in need, let go of greed for $$ and power, smell the freakin' roses...wake up!" He might just scream that from the inner depths of the temple...I would if I had all that negative input thrust into my brain. 

I am presently at the bottom of my glass...trying hard to keep my head above that water at the half way mark. I've been here before, but managed to keep my head high. My neck is too sore to keep it up...I am swallowing too much of that water. I like to say that life is like the weather...you wake up to a sunny/happy day...you wake up to a calm/bright day...you wake up to a gray/depressing day. I try hard to keep sunny in the gray days by still enjoying the waking hours that I do have. Lately, the weather has really crept right up inside of me. The rain that I hear falling onto the metal roof and rushing down the gutters is felt in every inch of my body. I can feel the cold drops penetrate into each pore and seep inside my strained muscles, tendons and joints. I lie in a tub filled with hot water hour after hour in hopes of warming my vessels and overused everything underneath my flesh. I have spent the last 13 days in the "cave" propping myself up with pillows, wearing my heated neck and shoulder pad watching endless hours of crappy day time tv...all in the hopes of giving enough rest to my lovely arm. The only arm that I was given that has helped me do absolutely everything in my life up to this moment. The arm that I abused trying to be as strong as everyone else around me. Always trying to prove myself by being the independent Pami on the outside whilst unintentionally damaging myself on the inside. Ugh...what a bummer. Oh to go back now and change...how many times has that been said by us humans? Hindsight is always 20/20!! lol

I can not change what I did in my past...nor really would I want to. Even with all the pain that I am in now. Past is past...I learned from things I did or didn't do. I ended up being quite an impressive specimen...like a He-Man or something. I could lift things some of the boys couldn't. hee hee. Not that it makes any difference in life at all...but it still brings a smile to my face. (I also could beat many a boy in an arm wrestle back in the day)

I guess really what I am finding so over the top frustrating right now is a list of things...
- why would the only arm I was ever given stop working on me? (sick joke!)
- why am I still suffering after 2 weeks of resting said arm?
- why do painkillers do nothing when pain is no intense?
- why is there no one around that can help me? (dr's, therapists etc)
- what did I do to deserve such suffering?
Yup...that is the "I feel so sorry for myself" Pami talking. When the going gets too tough for me to handle, i ball up. i hermit. I try to not see anyone so that I don't have to explain why i am being so lazy. I am NOT a lazy person. I enjoy being active and social and being a part of stuff going on. I like to make things happen that are fun for everyone. But I feel that is all changing. This suffering has just gone on too long and it has brought me to a level that my brain just can't handle anymore. I need someone to look at me and figure out what can be done. Dr's just say nothing...take it easy...take pain killers...get massage...get acupuncture...use heat...use cold...rest. I've done it all. What more can I do? There has to be someone. Dr. House...SAVE ME!!! ha ha ha ha!

All right. I have to stop this typing. Been keeping off my computer to also aid in the process of rest to my arm. But like, so boooooring!! I need a sunny day...at least I need to feel sunny. Send my woes away.

Felt good to vent...peace! xox

Dear Diary...

Man...I am so ready for the fall/winter hibernation ritual that I have grown accustomed to...and enjoy quite a lot. The past 4 months have just flown by at rapid speed. Like those days at work when you have a ton of tasks to get done...you don't take breaks so that you can get it all done...before you know it, the work day is done. Wheeee! That is how my summer was...busy, busy, busy...now it's nearly November. We spent this past weekend on the other side of the Country...Niagara on the Lake, Ontario. What a beautiful time to be there...the amazing colours of the trees flowing into one another on the massive hills that plunge down into the rushing lake water...the same water that shoots over the Niagara Falls. I really do miss the vibrancy that fall can display. There are some trees out here that turn flourescent red or yellow...but in patches...it is still so incredibly green right now. In fact...I would venture to say that the world here is greener in fall/winter than it is in summer. Having the short but very sweet opportunity to be in the centre of all that beauty made me incredibly nostalgic for home. It was the warmth of those colours accompanied by having just had my parents stay with us for 5 fun and love filled days and then spending the weekend in Ontario with Clint's brothers and their families. The first daughter got married...it was a very special wedding. Just having all of the family time that was so positive and fun and loving...I get homesick. Family really is and always has felt like the number one important constant in my life. Who are we with out our family? I feel sadness in my heart for people who don't have the family unit that we all so deserve. I cringe when I hear friends say they "hate" their parents/mother/father/family. It makes me want to fix it...like as if I can say something to heal all wounds that brought them there. But I do believe strongly that everything can heal. When there is love...there is peace...even if you got to dig real deep getting cuts all along the way. In the end all that blood shed and heartache will be worth it. The intense love for my family and need/want to be nearer to them all can be so overwhelming to me. Like my heart is never at total rest when we are not together. Having my parents here made my heart feel so good. I have gotten so used to saying good-bye to them though...and that breaks my heart. It had been since Christmas that I last spent time with them. I just love them like crazy...and like I keep realizing...time goes by so fast. Life is pretty busy...so days slip by without notice at times. I don't want to look back and feel that I have lost precious time with precious people...I don't think anyone wants that regret. Well, I guess I just got to say...thank goodness for Skype!! ;op

55 days until 12/12/2012...12:12 even...oh my oh my! It will be my second champagne birthday in my lifetime. I am not turning 12 again...but it is my special day...and I am going to have a fun day. I can't wait! (I have no clue what I am doing..i might just spend the day chillaxing at home and the beach around a big fire.) Here's the past 18 days at 12:12...starting off October 1st on Clint's birthday to our regular routine, getting set up for studio tour, having my parents for the week to celebrate Thanksgiving and dad's b-day and then heading out to beautiful Niagara and hanging with Clint's family...it's been a good time. ;o) Now time to crawl into my cave and hibernate for a while...is that the water running? Bath time! hee hee

Time is Ticking Away!

Ha ha...whenever I say that or hear that I totally go back to being a teenager and listening to my DC Talk tape. "Tiiiiiime is ticking...it's ticking away...it's tick tick ticking away." Here's a link to the song I loved so much! hee hee.

I can't even believe it is October...time just goes by so fast. So much has happened in the past month. I had to go to Vancouver twice for Dr's appts, Maggie almost died (I have no idea how she is still kicking it today...she is giving us more TIME!), we have been prepping for Clint being in the 16th Annual Thanksgiving Studio Tour and getting ready for my parents to visit. Phew! Busy lives...good lives...we are alive...yippeeee!!! ;o) Despite the busy times...we always manage to have some fun in the sun (or rain) and enjoy life. I haven't taken much time to sit down and write. I have been vidding a lot more though...hee hee hee. Too many videos on my YouTube channel! lol It is what life is about...busy lives but making sure we take the time to enjoy that very life that was given to us.

Found that I had a sweet little thing called a movie maker on my computer...with that I have been having muchos fun! So I made a little vid of the last of my September days. Maybe October will be just that too...stay tuned! ;o)

 

All righty...now get out there and have the TIME of your life!! Peace out party people of the world! xox

I don't want it to be THAT time.

The worst thing about life is death...I really don't do well with it. I know that it has to happen eventually. I mean...our hearts only have so many ticks in them...our bodies can only go as long as they can go. We break down. We shrink in size and width, our skin loses its elasticity, our bones lose calcium and become brittle...we age, and sometimes our bodies age further along than our mind. But again, that is life...it's the way it goes...the way it always has. Some of us have millions of ticks of the heart....others will have billions, I guess. (I just pulled out my trusty calculator...there are 525,600 minutes in 1 year. On average the human heart beats 60 times a minute. That would be 31,536,000 beats in one year. Wowzas!) With that knowledge...man our hearts sure work hard considering it beats that much and then we put stress and sadness and smoke and drink and no exercise and whatever...wow. I sure am glad I don't smoke anymore...yikes. But I am a very emotional and sensitive person...maybe it makes my heart stronger...yeah, that is what I am going with.

Anyhow...this ain't about me. Actually, it is about me...it is about the emotional torture that I am going through right now. I am just so sad right now, and my heart, although beating quite strong is breaking. My best friend is in the final stages of her life...my sweet angel is in her last days. Being the amazing and strong spirit that she is, she just keeps walking around like nothing is the matter. The pace is slower, but the brightness is all still there. The smiles and laughter and playfulness are still there. The constant need for something tasty to eat and water to lap up after enjoying some sunshine and heat are the same as they have always been. But she has this football sized tumour on her ribs...and it is just the beginning of the end for my sweet little Maggie May. Oh man...I am bawling like a baby right now as I type these words that I don't even want to believe as true. I have known that this day is coming since the first day she walked into our lives...coming over to get out of the rain and chill, sit by a nice fire. Back then I thought maybe she'd die sooner than later. So we just gave her so much love and attention. (and roasted chicken) Before she even lived with us I would take her everywhere with me. I would be taking a trip over to the big island...Maggie would be walking the side of the road all alone. I'd open the back door of the car..."Come on in Maggie...wanna go for a car ride?" (this is when she could still hear.) We became the best of friends in a matter of hours I feel. We both needed and wanted company at the same time...so we were together as much as we could be. She would usually give me a look like, "I am sorry to take up your time, I will go home now...my parents might be home." And if they weren't, back she'd come. Oh how I loved to watch her strolling up our driveway. I'd walk out and stand on my stoop and call to her...she'd come running over. Oh man...it's amazing all of the memories that flood over me...the different faces I see of hers. She has the cutest expressions...always. She is the most amazing, loving, sweet, kind, gentle, compassionate and giving animal that I have ever known...and so strong and independent to boot. Oh Maggie...you are such a treasure. 

She just has brought such joy into our lives over the past four years. I feel like she has been in my life for her whole life...19 years she is. Oh my. I sure wish she had been in my life that whole time. But, I am so blessed that she came into our lives when she did. We gave her the best retirement years a dog could ever have. We brought her to Tofino for a weekend, Victoria a few times, Vancouver a few times...best trip ever was our drive out to Manitoba and home. Maggie got to see our homeland...in thew middle of a heat wave...she hated it! lol (You can read about Maggie's adventures across Canada HERE.) I know that we did the very best that we could to make her life super special. I see that in the way she looks at me with those big brown sparkly eyes of hers. She loves me just as much as I love her...this I know without a doubt. It's just so tough...as most everyone knows. You may be thinking of a dog or cat or horse or rabbit or hamster or even goldfish that you gave your heart to too. That love is so amazing. It's unconditional and I think that is why it is so very powerful. They love us like a truly loving mother does. It's deep. Deep as a coal mine. :O) (from a Sam Robert's tune) 

After speaking with a wonderful, fabulous, compassionate and amazing woman here, Regina, who is a homeopath, Maggie is now on a nice regime of comfort. She is not in pain, but the cancer is growing fast. We figure she must have cracked a rib stumbling up the stairs...that is what caused the tumour to appear out of thin air. (Friday we were at the beach...running and playing. I have video of Maggie. no sign of lumpy tumour. Friday late night, after Clint touched her belly and she winced...we saw the lump.) We were away from home on Friday evening...lovely boat ride. This is probably when the accident happened. :( Her bones are full of cancer and so when it cracked...the poison spilled out of the bone causing a large, hard bump. She could not lie down to sleep. Paced all night long until we could get on a ferry Saturday morning and take her to the vet. Where the vet wouldn't say it was for sure cancer without charging us $400 for tests...even though once confirmed there is nothing to do because of her age. She suggested we put her down. See ya! We took Maggie home after an injection of pain killer that gave her rest finally. In the truck ride home I thought she was taking her last breaths on my lap. She completely turned around within 36 hours. We have been to the beach every day...as usual...we just soak up each moment with full breath and appreciation for the time that we are having. She doesn't run on the beach anymore...but she trots and still loves getting going. I just want to make her feel as happy as she could possibly be so that she can fall asleep with sweet dreams and go home to the light. That is my dream...I don't want to make the "decision". I know she will tell me when she is ready though. She is the best communicator ever. Oh Maggie. I love.

Anyways...I need to go cuddle with her sweet face right now. I hear her moving around upstairs. I think I will hear her always. xox

Easy Tiger...

I find that it is way harder to take it easy than I would have thought, a mere 8 years ago. I mean...who doesn't like to just sit and laze in the sunshine with a cool breeze...sit on the grass and pull the freshness into your olfactories...enjoy a little cat nap on a rainy afternoon. These all sound like lovely moments to enjoy in a day. I have been known to take part in these types of activities...of course. But even when I know I ought to spend an entire day doing so...my mind just will not allow me to. This brain of mine likes to repeat such things as..."you NEED to get on top of the laundry that has been piling up"..."you NEED to vacuum the floors, those animals are hairy!"..."you NEED to get to the bathrooms, keep 'em clean sistah"..."you NEED to water and tidy your plants and flowers"...you NEED to fold that clean laundry"..."you NEED to do something...you CAN'T just be lazy!!!" And these are the statements I NEED to stop my brain from telling me. I do NEED in fact to get to doing these things, as do most people in the world do, of course...but I also NEED to take care of myself, as should everyone else in the world too. ;o) I have to find a way to get these things done so they don't pile up on me. Once it piles up I am a motionless sloth with a full shot of anxiety with a paranoid chaser. All i need to do is a little each day...that is what I say. Yet, I still end up feeling like I am just not doing enough...like I am falling behind on the things that NEED to get done, including taking care of myself physically. This is my challenge...has been for quite some time now. You think I'd have it licked...but I don't. My pride always gets in my way. Still thinking to myself that I can do it all...it's just housework...easy peasy. Well, on an arm that has been through the ringer and taken a beating for a lifetime (and still has a lifetime to keep on), activities of daily living can be grueling and really hard on me. Meh.

Perhaps I need to make myself a chore schedule. Like the one we had on our fridge growing up. The stuff we HAD to do on Saturdays. I was the duster...everything wood in the home was dusted by "yours truly" every Saturday. We had lots of wood in the home...my Opi was a carpenter...wood is beautiful. ;o) Pretty easy schedule, even though I thought it was a big job. (Andy had to vacuum the entire house) Anyhow, perhaps if I made myself a chore schedule...a small job to do each day...I would stay on top of it and there would be less for Clint to have to take care of when he gets home from work. Yes! My job today is to finish this blog and then create my chore schedule...plus water my plants. (my tomatoes will whither if they don't get their water.) ;o)

Life is about finding the perfect balance between all that is in it...career, relationships, health, home and fun times. I think that it may take a lifetime to find the right way to handle it all...that is part of the joy of getting old I guess. So, therefore, aging is a VERY rewarding process...bring it on! But...go easy tiger! ;o)

A collage of 12:12's in the past two weeks. Freaking out over spiders on my deck, enjoying the sun shining through one of my "peace"ful Tammy Hudgeon glass pieces, sitting on the couch staring into what is in front of me ;o), Larry still in bed at 12:12!! (he is catching up on 3 years of sleep), mmmmmmm tomatoes on my deck, tide didn't wash away the rock man last night, dusting off my typewriter with Tammy glass in the paper feed (perfect display!), monkey sitting on the deck enjoying his last moments of his body (head soon to be cut off to make pyjama sack), mmmmmmmosss!!!!

Almost time to get to the beach! Happy sunshiney day to you! :o)

The Party is over!

Bittersweet feelings...glad to have my time back to myself...sad to not have my Brother XII peeps around me most days. What a wonderful experience it all was though...I must say. All 8 of us involved put a truck load of work, effort, drive, talent, strength, stamina and of course plenty of fun into the whole production...it was well worth it. Two nights in a row, we actually had to add more seats to the house to allow the mass fans to enjoy the show. ;o) It truly was a hit. With a stellar cast; Kathy McIntyre, Nicole Busby, David Botten, Chris Jans and Joelle Baird...our awesome writer/director; Bill Miner (who also played Linus the psychiatrist), plus the amazing talented efforts of our musical director; Antonio Gradanti who did all of the music (like every instrument from accordian to guitar)...we had a hit show! Review that was in the Nanaimo News Bulletin...

The Cult of Brother XII

Child of a Hoodlum Productions

Based on Nanaimo’s favourite cult legend, the musical recounts the last days of Brother XII’s reign, using a fictional trio of reporters to help uncover the truth by going undercover.

The Brother XII legend is nothing short of a storyteller’s dream, complete with religious fanaticism, fraud, infidelity and a mysterious woman with a whip.

The original songs and dances were ably performed by the cast of local actors, who took their legendary characters over the top to make a memorable show.

Major highlight: Bill Miner as Brother XII’s psychiatrist. It’s slightly gratuitous but most definitely hilarious.

– Melissa Fryer

We hope now to have at least one more performance...here on Gabe. Entertain our community! ;o) I am excited to once more don the News Hound Mask...first, relaxation. ;op 

To check out the "pre-show" interview/sneak peak...go to You Tube.

As I have been too busy to even think these past few weeks...I have been negligent on my 12:12 picture posts. For the month of August, thus far, I have put together a collage of my days. Unfortunately for August 1st, I did not have my camera on hand while we were on the beach chilling. The pics are Aug 2-27th...beach walks, painted glasses, forest walks, driving, playing, plant watering, rehearsing...it's all there. My computer deco-page! ;o)

The sun is out...and so am I! Peace out party people in da house!

YES!!!

The Premiere of "The Cult of Brother XII" was a sensation! There were only a FEW empty seats...it was PACKED. It was amazing. Ohhhhhhh, what a feeling...what a RUSH! It was fun watching my friends be so fabulous on stage...super talented I tell ya! And then to actually get to join them twice on stage...ohhh yeah! What a fun evening. Sushi and beer after even...how fun to be in the big city. ;o) Hard work ALWAYS comes with rewards...we just have to remember that and life is easy peasy! Well, life will never be "easy peasy", but when you take time to enjoy each moment...it sure makes life pretty darn sweet! peace. :o)

This is my only photo from said "opening night"...this is at ACME restaurant, post performance. Where we all enjoyed ice cold bevvies and delicious foods...mmmm sushi!!! The look on Joelle's face is exactly how we all felt...PURE EXCITEMENT! Cheers to The Musical "The Cult of Brother XII" and to the 5 remaining performances. Yeee ha!

I am NOT a schlepp...

I have just been way, over the top, extremely busy these past few weeks. Yup, that is right. "The Cult of Brother XII" musical has been eating much of my time. It is like having a part time job...which is a heck of a lot for me. When you suffer with chronic pain, it is difficult to get up to much...something I have definitely learned this summer. Which, on one hand is a VERY important lesson...good for me to know my limits and stick within it. And, on the other hand (not that I have the other hand to look at...ha ha haha!) it has taught me that I really can not do these things anymore. That is the sad and honest truth...that makes me cry. For real. Living with disability sucks big time. It is not as most people figure..."Oh you're lucky you don't have to work". I can not even count on all of my fingers and toes how many times I have heard that phrase. And it's a crock of 'you know what'. When you can't work, can't hold down a job because you are physically unable to, it makes you feel useless. (well, it makes me feel useless) Like, I am not a part of society because I can not contribute like everyone else. It is no picnic to feel that way. Plus the fact that all that I do even at home to take care of myself and my animals and my husband takes so much strength that I have none for anything else. I AM very lucky to have a husband that takes REALLY good care of me. Thank goodness he is a good cook and likes to help with the cleaning. Without Clint...my life would be way too difficult...I'd be a shut in...spending all time in the tub and hardly eat. Yikes!

Anyways...right now I am feeling like I am on a teeter totter with my feelings. I am super stoked for tonight...opening of the Musical at the Dodd Narrows room in the Nanaimo Conference Centre. How exciting!! I have not done theatre since High School...that was a VERY long time ago! hee hee. My other feelings are almost total despair...low to the lowest. My realization this summer...I can not be part of something fabulous like this ever again. I do not have the physical wellness to do so. The other day I actually was frightened that my arm was going to stop working...that is very scary. Very scary indeed. So, for now, I am going to enjoy every bleeding second of our 6 performances and soak up all of the fun and store it in my memory banks of joy. I am blessed to be working alongside some top notch actors, an amazing talented artistic director and a fab director who has been fun to watch direct. It's a long process getting from first read throughs of script to the performance...I have loved every minute of it. And I am grateful to have been a part of it all. (I can not get depressed about this...it is just the path that my life is on and it just requires another bout of acceptance on my part. ugh.)

As for my 12:12 project....I am still taking pics daily. I just haven't had the finger/wrist strength to get to typing much. Hence the massive pause in my blog posts. I got to just start doing vid blogs or something. I am a video taker anyways. My last vid I spoke about what I just wrote about...you can see me whine here.
I'll add a few pics now...I stopped at July 19th!!! Boy, I am waaaaay behind! ;op

Friday July 20 12:12 pm. Watching Clint work on one of his sandwich boards for HTF Creations.

Saturday July 21 12:12 pm Brother XII rehearsal...creepy tango scene! (you gotta see it!)

Sunday July 21 12:12 pm Me, looking exhausted waiting for Clint to drive me to...you guessed it...rehearsal! ;o)

Monday July 23 12:12 pm Coffee at Artworks...saw this amazing pitcher. Made by fabulous potter Vincent Fe of Mudge Island.

Tuesday July 24 12:12 pm Our friend Rick stopped over for 23 hours whilst on a bike journey on the islands and into the interior. I think he is still riding somewhere today! ;o)

Wednesday July 25 12:12 pm Helping out Antony this day. Tea time...was loving his yellow roses.

Thursday July 26 12:12 pm Getting our walk on...me and Larry.

Friday July 27 12:12 Brother XII's cello. (rehearsal!)

Saturday July 28 12:12 pm Rehearsal again...thank goodness I have sweet JoJo with me! ;o)

Sunday July 29 12:12 pm beach walkies! my favourite part of each day. ;o)

Monday July 30 12:12 pm Who is this cutie? Larry wants to get to the beach! Ball time!

Tuesday July 31 12:12 pm Pretty Calla Lily at Antony's place. Flowers are so amazing to me!

I got to stop there. My hand has gone numb and very cold. Wah! Opening night for Brother XII tonight...yippeeeeeee!!! I need a vacation. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Peace!

Life Lessons...

I believe that each and every single day there will be something new that we can learn....moments that we can pull some hint of wisdom out of. That is, as long as we are paying attention to our moments.


Up until about my 25th year, I was a pushover. (I pretty much still am, yet I am able to at least question that which I am being pushed towards and even at times NOT do what someone is expecting me to do for them even though I am not into it...get it? ha ha ha! Wordy.) In calling myself a pushover, I am merely stating that I have a REAL hard time saying no. I like to make people happy...and if that requires me to do something I have no desire to...I often have been seen doing it, for someone else of course. hee hee. When I was 25, I made a huge, life altering decision...I left my husband. Our relationship was incredibly tumultuous...and I just could no longer be the piñata that he had grown to love to beat down. So, West I went. That was one of the very first times I decided to make my own decision...to do what I felt was best for me at the time. I did it sheepishly though, I left my home town without word to any of my family. I filled up my car and the U-Haul roof rack and to BC I drove. My reasons for keeping it secret (I did tell my work of course...I had to quit) were so that I would not have to listen to some telling me to stay and work it out. For, in my mind I had done everything that I could think of to make my marriage a happy one, to be the best housewife I could be, loving, nurturing, a great cook, look sexy and most of all tried so hard to stop the abuse. (to the women out there in an abusive relationship....he will NOT stop hurting you...you NEED to walk away, no matter what.) Anyhow, I left. I felt amazing. I felt strong. I felt independant...I felt powerful. THAT gave me fervour to keep telling it like it is.


I fully believe in making your feelings known if someone has hurt you, in any way, emotionally, physically, whatever...I think it is up to you to let that person in on your feelings. This is what I have been doing since that fateful morning I left Winnipeg behind...in a flurry of ice and snow and waaaaaaaaay too cold winds. (-27 that morning) So, it should all be good...right? No. For I surely have made some blunders in my "Hurt Feelings Proclamations". The real lesson there, that I have finally opened my eyes up and took notice of, was that I should NEVER try to explain my feelings via email. NEVER!!! (always take the time to go and see the person face to face.) The only reason I ever decided to write someone in one of these situations is because I would be too embarrassed to actually say it for real to that person...fear of them being angry with me for being hurt. Oh my. So, I felt it easier to allow my feelings to flow when I could hide behind my computer. Easier maybe for me...but those words to the one reading it can be confusing. There is emotion behind the words, but that emotion gets lost and warped through black & white letters. It will always come out wrong. Therefore causing a whole new ball of gross stinky ear wax that you were trying to avoid in the first place. All you can do after that is apologize. And NEVER do that again. Some people will forgive and forget...that is how we should all be. We all make mistakes...apologize for them. Humble yourself and let others know that you do in fact feel bad for what you said or did. Now, it is off of your conscious....you did right in the end. If you are not forgiven...that is not your baggage to carry. Let it go and keep on keeping on. Life is too short to carry grudges and hold resentment towards anybody. Who cares that Stephen Harper is a terrible Prime Minister...he will not always run our country...let it go. (just a little example...there is alot of boiling blood over him...and what does that help? We just got to be strong and united and know that Canada is in fact an awesome country and we will get back on track again one day...with a new Prime Minister.) ;o) I know...sooooo off topic! hee hee.


So that is my life lesson of today. Share your feelings face to face with people. Apologize when you have hurt someone, forgive when someone asks. Then you should have no negative neurons bouncing around that head of yours...those are bad ones...get rid of them. Clear your mind and life will be fine. On to next lesson.... ;o)


Ay yi yi...I've got to catch up on my 12:12 photos. Life has been EXTREMELY busy for me these past few weeks. I seem to never have much time to just be at home chillin'. But it is all good...I am involved in the Musical "The Cult of Brother XII" that will be playing this August in the Dodd Narrows room of the Nanaimo Conference Centre on Commercial Street. (tickets available at the Port Theatre Box Office or at Fringetastic ...only $10!!!) I have been enjoying the process immensely...working with a stellar cast and a director that is smart, funny, ummmmm loud and VERY talented! ;o) Can't wait for it to be on stage!


Anyhoo...12:12's....

Saturday July 7 12:12 pm Sitting on the "upper deck" chatting with JoJo Darling about picking me up for rehearsal for the musical. She plays Freddy, the lesbian reporter. (it is set in 1929...she is very progressive for her time)

Sunday July 8 12:12 pm...this is bad. I have NO clue where I was...what I was doing...how I was feeling...whom I was with. I imagine, because there is no photo evidence, that I was daydreaming in my watery pit...my womb of happiness...my safety zone...I must have been immersed in my tub.These busy days make me often dream of just relaxing in the warm and healing waters of my soaker tub...so yeah, that is exactly where I was!! ;op

Monday July 9 12:12 pm Watering all of my flowers and veggies. I love the HOT PINK Cosmos. So pretty! They LOVE the brightness of the sunshine...me too! (it was my Niece Elona's 9th birthday too...Champagne birthday...yay!! Love you Elona!)

Tuesday July 10 12:12 pm This pic makes me laugh actually...and it's not just cause of my silly 'Cartman' smile. I am standing on the deck of our last rental. We used the empty house for some rehearsals...like this day. The house is for sale right now...nice sunny spot if you want to live on a beautiful island! ;o)

Wednesday July 11 12:12 pm Hee hee. I like this photo...Antony was on the phone and I was taking photos. He thinks I am pretty silly...well, I am! I enjoy the time I spend with Antony each week. I help him with some "office" type work and I get to hear stories from the way way olden days forward and just get to hang with an incredibly sweet and funny man. Antony is 92 years old and still writing shows that he can perform in front of audiences all over. You rock Antony! ;o)

Thursday July 12 12:12 pm What else would we might be doing at this time...dog walkies!! If it weren't for Maggie & Larry right now, I might never get to the beach...daily. :o) I need to get them exercise, the beach is the best for that. I get to beach comb for glass and china and other treasures...they get to play. Perfect!

Friday July 13 12:12 pm Brother XII rehearsal at The Surf. ;o) This is my mask for the "Media Scrum" scene. We play a group of news hounds trying to get the scoop from Doris Abercrombie, Senior Journalist at the Gulf Islands Gazette! ;o)

Saturday July 14 12:12 pm Yep, you guessed it...Brother XII again. There needs to be a lot of rehearsing...we got to make this awesome...and it is. The nice thing about our rehearsal space is that we are across from the ocean side...white waves slapping the shore...sea lions arfing in the background. Rehearsing on a sunny afternoon ain't too shabby I say...when you still have the beach in your sights! ;o)

Sunday July 15 12:12 pm Pole painting!!! The community voted...more poles got painted. Yay! Four poles going up the hill from the ferry have now been beautified by four talented and sweet artists. Tina Lynch, Derrill Shuttleworth, Melinda Wilde and Clint McCartney. This is Clint doing the background colours of his awesome pole...all four poles turned out absolutely brilliant. What a wonderful AND colourful island we live on.

Here is Clint and his finished pole. Very cool pop art pole! After he finally got the sun and it's beams right in white...I painted it in yellow! My arm is STILL sore from doing it...but it was fun and exciting to be a part of this community project. Yay Gabriola!! ;o)

Monday July 16 12:12 pm Tinson Point time...it's Larry's favourite beach to go to. He has an affection for the clam shell...they may be empty, but he is enamoured by them...they must still have some "presence" to them. Larry digs a moat around them...it is hilarious to watch. We are thinking maybe the barnacles that live on the shell are speaking to him...taunting him...watch it. ;o)

Tuesday July 17 12:12 pm He's glowing! ;o) I actually think that he is...on the inside and it is coming through. We spent some time responding to emails regarding his show "One Man in His Time" that he recently wrote and perfected on stage for an intimate audience...no more than 250. It is his story of his time in the "Desert War" of WWII between 1940-1943. This was in Egypt and Libya...a lot happened there during the war...I did not know that before seeing Antony's show. Tears, laughter and pure enjoyment I got out of it. If you keep an eye on this page...performance dates and places will be shown.

Wednesday July 18 12:12 pm Loading the kids in the truck and heading to le beach! Got our water and treats and bright orange floaty ball. Sorry Maggie....we forgot your umbrella. ;o(

Thursday July 19 12:12 pm Ahhhhh. What a lovely scene this is. Beauty day. Sunny, hot, blue skies and fluffy clouds. I would have loved to have stayed for hours...we only got one. Life is busy...but you still got to enjoy the moments where you can in fact breathe. ;o)

Today...it is cloudy. I was woken by the gentle sound of rain...then immediately hopped out of bed to run downstairs and check the deck for things need not getting wet. Then running to the truck to close the windows...seats got a wee bit wet. The nice thing about it...my plants got watered, the trees and grass and animals got watered, people's cisterns got fed...and now it is not raining. Maybe the sun will come out. The dogs and I are definitely ready to go to the beach again. ;o)

The rollercoaster of life...

The last few days I have been feeling completely deflated...stripped of all that brings a smile to my heart...the pain has been intense! (to say the least) I admit, sheepishly, that I have been feeling incredibly overwhelmed with feelings of self pity...having those "why do I HAVE to deal with this" moments. I have been dealing with some increase of muscle tension in my upper arm/shoulder...contributed by tossing the ball for Larry. This makes me feel over-the-top depressed. The joy that I get out of the act of throwing the ball for Larry, watching his tail bounce up and down, wag side to side as he leaps and strides and bites for that bright orange ball...oh my...pure and true love and peace. I came to the realization once before...but re-learned the lesson this morning as the muscle in the back of my arm felt like it split when I threw the ball. Ouch. No more fun...again.


That feeling of ineptness, inability, worthlessness and just what the heck am I even around for, waste of air. You know...that "Oh, woe is poor poor me." Suck it up. AGAIN! I fully was feeling the need to write about my sorrow this morning as I got out of bed. I was in pain, feeling frustrated about it and needing to vent. My day got away with me...emails, breakfast, packaging some important mail and dog walking before rehearsal (for the Brother XII musical at Nanaimo Fringe Festival this August). The beach was awesome...the day was full of sunshine and little cloud...the waves were gentle and tide was going out. I had to rush off...I asked Clint to meet me at the post office later on to go back. Clint arrived...dogs in back, swimming suits in bag, freshly grilled chicken wings in Tupperware, one stop for a few cold brews and back to the beach we went. I swam! First time this year...Oh! What a feeling! I love it. I feel so happy and renewed and excited for the summer that is now beginning. Oh bliss!!! ;o) Clint and I walked into the deep waters...i swam out and slowly paddled my way back in. It was glorious. Pain schmain...life is always so beautiful!!!

(Yet...the pain is there...I have a whack of pics to download for the past week and so of 12:12's. Ack! Here they are....nothing special....just the image of the moment. ;op)

Friday June 22 12:12 pm  ... (what else is new?)

Well...Saturday June 23 @ 12:12 pm ... I was at the beach...sans camera. Spending time with Clint, walking les chiens pre-rehearsal. My bag with camera in it was left at home...oops!

Sunday June 24 12:12 pm ... At G & Trevor's home for the "Home and Garden Tour." This pic went sideways...but this is merely 1/1000 of their beautiful landscaping surrounding their beautifully designed and built home. For sale now!!

Monday June 25 12:12 pm ... "Specialty Services" appointment in town. Free trip to Nanaimo...let's go shopping!! ;op

Tuesday June 26 12:12 pm ... headin' to the beach!

Wednesday June 27 12:12 pm ... Margy was clearing out the Yurtini. (childhood memories!)

Thursday June 28 12:12 pm ... inside the Old Crow Cafe. Yummy food!!

Friday June 29 12:12 AM .. luckily I took this pic after we left Artworks from the Opening of the 'Annual Object Show'...Thursday LATE night! I ended up  forgetting my camera next day for the "REAL" 12:12...the pm one...could have been the late night!! ;op

Saturday June 30 12:12 pm ... yet again...no photo memory. I 'womanned" my friend Lindsay's stall at our Saturday market. She was away. I got to talk about and stare at her beautiful jewelry all morning long! ;o)

Sunday July 1 12:12 pm ... clean up for the long overdue deck party...Canadeck Partay!! Eh! It was a total blast. On To The Next Party! ;o)

 

Monday July 2 12:12 pm Cleaning and hostessing duties got the better of me. Oh calgon...

Tuesday July 3 12:12 pm ... Waiting for Antony to get off of the phone...

Wednesday July 4 12:12 ... mere hours before that little "bump" got removed! Relaxing.

Thursday July 5 12:12 pm ... beautiful, beach, relaxy fun morning time. <3

Friday July 6 12:12 pm ...rushing off from the beach to catch my ride or daytime rehearsal. Wah...I don't WANT to leave the beach!!! ;op (thank goodness we went back!)

I feel so stoked now that summer actually feels like it is here to stay. Welcome back my long lost friend. My arm is always open for you! ;o) xoxo