Monday, November 28, 2011


I haven't been feeling too sunny these past few hasn't been sunny outside at least I am not alone. I have been letting things get to me lately. Life can often be stressful, if we allow it to be. All of us have a struggle or two to deal with. It is how we deal with our struggles that affects us...either positively or negatively. I suppose it is the change of season, into dark times, that will very often take affect on us. So the sun is not around as much as we like it to be. It comes up later and goes down earlier...not to mention that the winter has many a grey day out here in the Pacific Northwest. They say vitamin D will cure the winter blues. I believe it can help. But I also believe that keeping a positive outlook on things also is extremely important. I have been letting my life struggles take me down a bunch of notches lately. Everything that I am involved with is taxing right now. And I have taken things that people have said or done to me extremely personally...if they were meant to be or not. I have been feeling under attack. Whether or not I am being attacked should not be my concern. If I were strong I would not even think of it is a negative anything. I would just keep on my merrily way as if nothing is out of the ordinary. We all have stress and let it out in different ways. Sometimes those stresses cause us to lash out verbally, emotionally and unfortunately sometimes physically on people, inanimate objects or even pets...none of whom deserve it. As a collective we need to feel the constant flow of good or bad times love needs to be the constant. Love means acceptance, forgiveness, trust, honour, respect, empathy and even a whole lot of laughs. This is what we must remember...this is what I must remember.

The sun is out today and I am trying to bring out my sunshine too. Stress makes my heart more hurt please...bring on the warm rays of love!
outside my window right now...hello sunshine! ;o)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

It ain't perfect...

And no one ever told me it was going to be. Well nobody in my no adult that I came in contact with ever told me that life would be would be as amazing as I could possibly imagine. Because honestly...I could imagine my world to be pretty serene and void of all negativity and unfortunate circumstance or happenstance. Life is just so unpredictable and new. I mean, it is forever changing. Why??? Well, we surround ourselves with people...people who are their own individuals. People who have had their life and their past of all good and bad...just like us...just different stuff. All of that "stuff" forms who we are today. We react a certain way to certain things because of instances and complications that arose in our childhood...our teen years...our formative years. Life is FAR from perfect. There is NO way that any of us will ever find the perfect life here on earth.

We can make it good though. Treat your family, friends and neighbours with respect. Treat yourself with respect. Treat the other living creatures that surround you with respect and love. We are all living on this big old planet that was named earth. Earth inhabits many species, many breeds, many kinds of all living organisms. That includes us...yeah, us people. Love one another. Respect one another. But before you can do that do it all for yourself first. You are awesome. You are smart. You are beautiful. You are worth it!!! Feel those things and easily you will feel that about the person standing next to you.

It ain't, that is. So I just had to push out a quick little rant...feeling a bit high stress at the moment and needing to bring myself down. Ahhhhhh. I feel better. Peace out!

Monday, November 21, 2011

100 mile diet.

In the last few years I have heard about the 100 mile diet from various sources...basically, we should be eating food that was grown locally. I would say that I am a firm believer in that belief. Seriously...corn that was organically grown up the street and harvested in late August...or corn grown in a greenhouse using pesticides and GMO seeds...what sounds more appetizing?? I'd rather enjoy corn seasonally. Same with all other veggies and fruit. Give it to me when it is grown naturally and is in season because that is when it truly has the most fabulous conditions for proper maturation and delicious flavours. The four seasons of what yields at the time.

Same goes for me when purchasing "stuff" least this is how I have been thinking in the last few years. I buy products from a local store. In a way...right now I could be considered hypocritical...I buy local because there are no "box store" outlets here. The only "chain" business here would be the Credit Union, the AutoPlan, the Co-op, the Realty Office and the Auto Pro I buy gas, snacks and car insurance from a big business. Everything else that I buy is bought from a store/shop that was started up owned by someone locally. To go to the Wal-Mart or Costco or Winners I need to take a ferry...I can't be bothered. (I still get over there once in a blue moon...I do, at times, shop at really get a lot for less...can't help but save $$) It also generally makes me feel a whole heck of a lot better to give my dollars to someone that I know...or at least people who live in my community and will be able to eat and pay for the roof over their heads because I bought a bottle of wine, cheese and a beautifully handmade wooden cutting board while browsing in their shops. It just makes you feel better. Part of the "feeling" better is the shop owner's outward heartfelt gratitude to you for purchasing the items you need in their shop. The huge sparkly smile that goes from cheek to cheek...nothing like it. Times are tough. There are so any big companies with massive buying power to stomp out the little guy...the mom and pop shoppes across the globe. Look at photos of downtown cores in cities across the world...third world countries even. You will see the golden arches...McDonald's. For real. I have often thought about and felt bad about the family run restaurants that used to pride themselves in the fact that they had a running business in the core of their city...what has become of most of them? Run out of business. Tourists don't even have time to relax and enjoy their vacation...they run around needing to see absolutely everything they have heard about or read about. Show me the ruins, pyramids, jails, towers, bridges...blah, blah, blah. What about the culture, the people? No time. Got to get fast food...oh sweet McDonald's is here...Big Mac anyone?? sad.

Again, times are tough man. We got to keep it together...we got to hold each other what we can to keep humanity alive. The 100 mile's Christmas time. I don't want to say that you got to get out and buy, buy, buy. But most of us do like to give gifts at Christmas. It's about family and love and enjoying it all together...sometimes that love makes us go out and find something special for someone that we love. Well this year I am doing just that. Special gifts for the people that I love most and barely family. We are spending a "Down Home" Christmas in Texas this year. All of my family core will be here. First time in many years. Like most everyone we know, money is frighteningly tight this year...but we want to show up bearing from the heart. Most of them will be made by us. Clint has been working on a beautiful portrait of my parents from Christmas 1968...soooo cool! I have been making personalized plates for all 7 of my nieces and nephews...when they eat dinner they can always think of me. ;o) I bought a beautiful fused glass window hanger from the colourful and fabulous studio of Tammy Hudgeon for my Omi. She will adore the colours sparkling into her apartment from the glass tree that was handmade on the little island I live on. I have a few more gifts I need to buy...this weekend...Crafted Booty at Feedlot Studios. Nov 25 from 5-9 pm and Nov 26 from 10am-4pm...20 fabulous Gabriola artists combining their wonderful works of art into a boutique style Christmas Craft Sale. Ceramics, cards, sewn treasures, knitted objects of desire, jewelery, paintings, mixed media pieces, is all going to be there and it is going to be fantastico!!

I bet there are a ton of local craft fairs near you. have fun...go check them out. Meet some new and cool and creative folk. Maybe get inspired yourself. I know online shopping can be a breeze...but also so lonely and boring. Hook up with your friends...check out some local sales...go for a much deserved glass of wine at a local restaurant after and talk about the unique and fabulous things that you just were lucky enough to see. We live in an amazing world filled with hidden talents. Some of that talent is all about the eye some makes you feel good!

A cross stitch and beach glass framed scene I made for the sale...cute eh? ;o) During the power outage last week we played with clay (all in the kiln with colourful glazes now)...Crafted Booty on the mind! Way more cooler stuff than this to see at the sale...come check it out if you're on Gabriola this weekend. Be there or be square with not as cool gifts. ba ha haha!!! peace...and of course...I hope that everyone enjoys a lovely season with family, friends and good times. xox

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I try and I try...

I really do try...real hard. And, at times I feel that I have conquered the emotional war happening inside my heart and my mind. I mean...I am very happy with my life, the way it is. It is by no means perfect, but at least I can say that I love where I live, I love my community, my friends, my family is super awesome, I am married to a most amazing man who loves me (even though I am el nutso!), I have Maggie and Wensday whom I adore, who are my "children". I know..."they are NOT children"..."they are NOT human". I get that from my mom and my Omi all of the time. I do not have children of my own. These animals that I have living in my home, sleeping on my bed (Wensday) or on her own bed (Maggie) on the floor at the foot of the bed...these animals ARE in fact very much like children to me. I need to feed them and love them and give them attention. I need to give Maggie exercise each and every day and let her out when she needs to go to the bathroom. I have to pay attention to their lives and take care of them. That is a lot of what a parent must do for their own child...I am theoretically a parent. And I love my kids! ;op

If I could have my way...if my dreams could come true...I would have a child of my own. A child of flesh and blood and made from the love that Clint and I would have for that sweet baby child. The love that we have for one another and the love that we have for life and community and the earth could be shared and taught to another human to carry on and share themselves. Make the world a better place one baby at a time. :o) I used to lose sleep over the fact that we had decided to have a baby and nothing was happening. Like, hello...we are ready to get pregnant and have a baby...what is going on here? After only 6 months of trying I was starting to lose my mind. I felt like less of a woman...every other married woman in my family has a child or two or three...even four. I started blaming myself for all sorts of reasons One being that I was not good enough to raise a child. Then I felt like, maybe because I have one arm, I will not be able to do it. I don't believe that, at all. But, I tend to blame any "failure" on me having one arm. Like that is my sentence for life. Things will not usually go as planned...because I have one arm. I have lost that train of thought for a bit now...but those feelings can creep up easily sometimes. It's my ego. Wah. I am working real hard on that thing...I want to always feel at peace. I just want to feel okay with the fact that we have been "trying to get pregnant" for almost 7 years now. We will be celebrating our 7 year anniversary next weekend...soon after our wedding we had the baby urge. ;o) I really, really wanted it to happen. And it wasn't. I allowed all of my feelings to over take me. I was in great turmoil. I lost focus on life and what was even going on. I was happily married...things were good. I was numb. I lost my spirit...I gave up in so many ways. I kept up appearance though. That's what I do. You will never know if I am hurting...I keep that to myself. I should be smiley all of the time. At least that is what I say to myself. And for the most part...I am smiley because I am happy. Then...once in a while I allow things to get to a point where I become fragile and stressed out and forget all about my happiness.

Like right now...I am sitting here feeling empty. Why??? Because I am not pregnant. Because I am childless. And that is absolutely crazy to me. I forever ago accepted that I just have to go with the flow. I can get pregnant...I have had ALL of the tests...Clint too. It is just not happening. And honestly, I really am okay with that. It may never happen. And it really is okay. Except I really am so overwhelmed by a million other things going on that are stressing me out, that right now I am just so sad that I just had my period...again! (sorry for being so's life) I used to be like this every single month. I would always think I was pregnant...I would count down the days until my period was due. When it came, I cried. When it was a day late, I ran out and bought a pregnancy kit...$15 wasted each time. (I would have so much $$$ if I didn't buy those things!!) These days, I am getting a wee bit on the "something to hold onto" kind of weight. I am not the thin woman I used to be. I am in my late 30's...I am thickening. And my belly is becoming "pot-like". It's all right. I don't mind the weight...I can exercise and lose it. But, because I have a pot belly, this last month I was feeling different. I felt, maybe something worked this can't be just fat. ;op It is. At least when you put weight on it goes everywhere...I almost have cleavage!! ha ha ha!!! Seriously though...I would love to have my belly fattening up because there is a sweet little baby growing inside of there and I am nurturing it with all of the goodness that I am putting in to my body. All of the goodness that I am thinking and feeling in my heart and head would feed that baby too. Our baby would be so loved. I am still someone who firmly believes that babies are a blessing. Maybe someday if it doesn't happen naturally we will adopt a child who needs a home. That would be nice too. Children need to be loved and shown the way...the good way to live. Be a loving yet strong who you are, proud of who you are, proud of where you came yourself and peaceful, show peace, live in peace...just keep fighting the good fight. I feel that one day we can get humanity's slipping away, but there are enough of us to bring it back.

I am so all over the place. I think I need to try and shut off. What is on the boob tube...Glee! That ought to help shut the drama off in my brain. I will just melt into a spot where I am comfy cozy and veg out enjoying some visual entertainment. Life is good. I am happy. I really am. It's okay to let your guard down once in a while and just feel some hurt. Just don't take it personally. Let it out and see it for what it is. Just another part of life...anything can happen on this ride! I just got to try and keep in my seat and enjoy the ride.

Saturday, November 12, 2011


Today is a special "Champagne"'s 11/11/11...I can't wait til it is 11:11 on 11/11/11. I think I just wanted to write it out...I think it is way cool. It's like, Stick Day!! (we call 11:11 stick time...1:11 mini stick...just so you know.)

The other, probably more important aspect of today, is that it is Remembrance Day. A day to think back upon the lives that were lost, the battles that were and still are being fought by people just like you and me. Always, on this day, I get personal and think about my Grandfathers and what they did and went through during WWII. They were both in the German army. (NOT Nazi...just because someone is German does NOT mean they were part of that ignorant way of thought.) My Opi was a soldier on the front lines, hiding in fox holes and being shot at (wounded) and probably shooting out in fear also. He was 19 years old. He hated talking about guns or anything about war. He mostly spoke of living in a P.O.W. camp in France. But really, he didn't speak much about it...he was a loving and wonderful man...that was just a bad memory to him. And then there was Opa. He would never talk about the war. He was in his mid to late twenties when he fought. If we ever ran around, pretending to shoot one another (like playing cops & robbers or whatever) he would get upset at us and tell us to NEVER play with guns...even as a game, because it is not a game. I still hate guns, probably because of Opa. He was a smart man.

In my reflections this morning, I was drawn to thoughts of my Opa. Because he never spoke of what the war meant for him, besides an obvious distaste for it...I didn't really know what he did during it. I used to think he was a sniper when I was a kid...hiding on tops of buildings and shooting the bad guys. But, he wasn't. This past summer, at my family reunion, my Uncle spoke of what it was like when they escaped East Germany as a family. I had always heard the stories of how they all left separately to get through the border to they had left EVERYTHING behind. Their home and all belongings, my Opa's greenhouse business, properties that he rented out to a church and other people...they just left it behind to escape communism. But it wasn't just communism that they were fleeing from...this is the story of how my Opa was a real Hero...

Opa had property in Frankfurt an der Oder (East Germany...there are two Frankfurts.) where they had their family home, a greenhouse and a huge field for growing flowers and vegetables. On the other side of their property was a huge barricaded and fenced property owned by the Russians. It was some sort of base camp for them...trucks and soldiers always coming and going. My Opa came and went quite a bit too...he was taking his beautiful cauliflowers and bedding plants to the markets...and once a month to the market in West Berlin. (they would allow him to leave once a month to do his sales.) The Russians next door to my Opa and family would bring their compost to him to deal with. It would be mostly food scraps and such...Opa found papers in it too. Papers with information on it...information about raids and operations going on and so on. My Opa, like I said, was a very smart man. He collected these papers with Russian inside information and brought them on his trips to West Berlin to the American army that was stationed there. This went on for sometime. He would hide the papers under the soil under the bedding plants that he would bring to market in West Berlin. How smart is that? He would have his cart filled with cauliflower and bedding Uncle Walter or my dad would usually accompany him...that must have also made him look less man. Somehow, someone on the wrong side caught wind of what Opa was up to. Opa was a friendly man and most people liked and respected him. Thankfully one of those people was part of the government and got word that the STASI was coming for him...and they would be at his house tomorrow. This was January 1953. Plans were made and set out Opa took my Tante Elfriede, very early in the morning to the train station where they got on a train and headed to West Berlin. A few hours later, his sister took my dad and my Tante Gerlinde on a "trip" to West Germany to visit with least that is what was told to the border guards. Now the rest was up to my Oma...oh my, she too was a very strong and capable woman. (I miss them so much.) She was left with my Uncle Walter and Tante Irene, who was just a baby at the time...she packed a small bag and off they went to the train station with the help of another sister of my Opa's. Oma had a letter signed by a doctor a year or so prior that my Uncle Walter needed shoulder surgery. That letter was their ticket out of there. The soldier stopped them and told them not to board the train...they were about to start questioning my Oma when they were called over to something else at the border. Opa's sister quickly helped Oma and children onto the now leaving train...they were headed for freedom.

A week after they all escaped, there was a "Wanted" ad in the paper for my Opa...he was wanted by the STASI for questioning on treason. My Opa risked everything to help his country get their freedom back from going to communism. What a brave and smart man he was. He helped his country more than he was required of...he never spoke of it. What a humble and amazing man. That is exactly how I do remember him.

From L to R...Elfriede, Oma, Lothar (my dad), Walter, Opa and Gerlinde. Photo taken in early 1951.

The story is so interesting to me. Tears ran down my cheeks as my Uncle read through it. He posted the story on his blog this past summer. To read the whole nitty gritty, feel free to check it out here. Peace.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

"Where does the time go"???

I've heard people exclaim, with an emotional feeling of disbelief in their voice that exact phrase throughout my entire life. I also have noticed that, I myself have come to repeat those five words quite a lot over the past few years. Days can fly by so quickly...and yet sometimes, I can't even recall what I did a few days prior because it honestly seems like so long ago. What is up with that??'s age I tell ya! I am not saying that I am aged or anything. I am aging...ever single day...I am fully aware of that fact. And time will not go by slower along with my reduced movement. It just keeps ticking away. Though, I can understand what those folks were chirping about way back then. I used to think that it was a comical someone who was bored just made it up because it sounded so absurd to say. Like as if time could go anywhere. There is always time to get things done...unless of course it is now Saturday evening suppertime and you still haven't finished your chores for the will surely tell me that I "ought to get it done in time to have dinner"! Time almost seemed to stand still when I was a kid. I remember summer vacations seeming like they were endless. By the time fall came back around and it was time to head back to school, I had completely forgot what it was like to sit in that desk in the flourescently lit class all day long. The last time I had to stay indoors for the majority of my wake time was months ago...and it seems like at least a whole year had gone by. Or having to go out to the mall with my mom. If I recall correctly, we generally walked around the entirety of Polo Park, stopping in most of it's many shops to browse and maybe try stuff on...well my mom would try stuff on, I would watch...this would last for about 3 hours. I would complain the whole time that I was soooooo bored and it was taking sooooooo long. Now, 3 hours is not an overly long period of time to do some serious shopping...even window shopping. (I don`t shop...I live on an island...I went through a shopoholics phase once. Retail therapy is another thing only ``seasoned`` adults can actually comprehend.) When I think back to my younger teenaged ages 12-14, I could spend many hours, with my girlfriends in the mall and not even think about the fact that we had spent our whole Saturday wandering up and down the various wings of St. Vital Mall. Sometimes just following a group of boys or having them follow us around. Ha ha ha...what is that all about anyways?? Oh teenagers! :o)

3 hours of time...I enjoy going to do ceramics a la Feedlot Studios and play with clay (make my nieces and nephews personalized dinner plates)...3 hours flies by and I still feel like I need more time to create, yet I have no more time...I got stuff to do. As in ``stuff``, I mean getting to the grocery store to pick veggies and things up to make dinner with, I need to stop and get gas, I need to take Maggie for a walk, I need to get ``creating`` for the Christmas craft sale (Crafted Booty), I need to rake and clean up leaves, I need to cook something for the third freakin`potluck this month, I need, I need, I need...ugh! I don`t even have a full time job or anything...but my life can be pretty full time. At the moment, I feel socially overloaded. There has been quite a few get togethers of birthdays, Halloween, housewarmings, art openings, going away parties...that is a lot of wine and a lot of late nights. I am too old for hat. I feel the need to sleep in after being out in the evening, but I do not like to sleep in because I feel that I am losing hours of a day in doing so. At 20,when I moved back home after living on my own for a year, I would party all night at the bar or whatever and then sleep til 4 in the afternoon. My mom was out of her mind with frustration over me and the way I was living my life. But I was not in school, I worked only part time for a few months til I started another part time job, I didn`t like living back at home was free room & board so I had $$ to spend on going out to eat and drink. I guess I had zero responsibility and zero respect for myself and everyone else in my family...I became a sloth...I had the time to be one. (can`t change the just got to own it...understand why you were that way so it doesn`t repeat itself in your adult years.) I could sit here and imagine all of the things I could have possibly done with that time...big things I imagine, if I were the same person I am now...oh yeah...BIG things!! But, it does not really matter...I finally feel as though I am truly a happy person. My life feels right, right now. Things are good for me mentally and emotionally...even spiritually. I feel at ease in my life, where I am at in all aspects. I wouldn`t mind a better financial outlook, less debt and all...but money does not buy what I have AND own right now. I feel like I do have all of the time in the world for the things that I feel like doing. I enjoy each and every moment in time that I am given. I know that time goes a heck of a lot faster than I could have ever dreamed, and I imagine it will only seemingly get faster. Those aspects of time are what draws me to enjoy all of it. Like for real...``don`t sweat the small things```...another 5 words I heard often and now I firmly believe in. I was feeling frustrated with myself earlier for not blogging for over a week...the blog helps me get crap outta my head...I also love to write. :o) Why frustrate over something I obviously didn`t feel that I had the time for?? Just got to go with the flow of ``my`` time...keep it all on track and keep on keeping on. ;o)
Time will continue to tick until it is done...who even knows when that is or what that even means. That is for a scientist or somebody to think on. I am just here to have a good time! Peace out!