Oh woe is me...there, I said it.

I love life...I really do. I am generally an extremely happy and positive person. I am one of those 'glass half full' kind of peeps...yes, some people find us types annoying! lol I really don't see the harm in trying to find the happy in everything. For our happiness comes from how we choose to see things...how we read the messages in each moment. We can see it as a bad thing or find the positive aspect in whatever has just happened. That is how I try to be...and at times it is a struggle. So I find that I will have those moments where I feel like I have had enough...frustration creeps in and I am just done with it. See ya...keeping myself holed up in the house and I ain't coming out. I would like to think that even the happiest man alive...Mr. Lama...you know, the Dalai...I'd like to think that he too has a day that just blows. (I mean...he is human) Especially because he is a big man on campus that is kept up to date with everything going on in the world...and there is a lot of crap going on. (big reason I do not watch the news...it's a sad and hateful world some times) He must just be like "WTF people!! If y'all just saw the good in things, forgave your neighbours, loved your neighbours, helped those in need, let go of greed for $$ and power, smell the freakin' roses...wake up!" He might just scream that from the inner depths of the temple...I would if I had all that negative input thrust into my brain. 

I am presently at the bottom of my glass...trying hard to keep my head above that water at the half way mark. I've been here before, but managed to keep my head high. My neck is too sore to keep it up...I am swallowing too much of that water. I like to say that life is like the weather...you wake up to a sunny/happy day...you wake up to a calm/bright day...you wake up to a gray/depressing day. I try hard to keep sunny in the gray days by still enjoying the waking hours that I do have. Lately, the weather has really crept right up inside of me. The rain that I hear falling onto the metal roof and rushing down the gutters is felt in every inch of my body. I can feel the cold drops penetrate into each pore and seep inside my strained muscles, tendons and joints. I lie in a tub filled with hot water hour after hour in hopes of warming my vessels and overused everything underneath my flesh. I have spent the last 13 days in the "cave" propping myself up with pillows, wearing my heated neck and shoulder pad watching endless hours of crappy day time tv...all in the hopes of giving enough rest to my lovely arm. The only arm that I was given that has helped me do absolutely everything in my life up to this moment. The arm that I abused trying to be as strong as everyone else around me. Always trying to prove myself by being the independent Pami on the outside whilst unintentionally damaging myself on the inside. Ugh...what a bummer. Oh to go back now and change...how many times has that been said by us humans? Hindsight is always 20/20!! lol

I can not change what I did in my past...nor really would I want to. Even with all the pain that I am in now. Past is past...I learned from things I did or didn't do. I ended up being quite an impressive specimen...like a He-Man or something. I could lift things some of the boys couldn't. hee hee. Not that it makes any difference in life at all...but it still brings a smile to my face. (I also could beat many a boy in an arm wrestle back in the day)

I guess really what I am finding so over the top frustrating right now is a list of things...
- why would the only arm I was ever given stop working on me? (sick joke!)
- why am I still suffering after 2 weeks of resting said arm?
- why do painkillers do nothing when pain is no intense?
- why is there no one around that can help me? (dr's, therapists etc)
- what did I do to deserve such suffering?
Yup...that is the "I feel so sorry for myself" Pami talking. When the going gets too tough for me to handle, i ball up. i hermit. I try to not see anyone so that I don't have to explain why i am being so lazy. I am NOT a lazy person. I enjoy being active and social and being a part of stuff going on. I like to make things happen that are fun for everyone. But I feel that is all changing. This suffering has just gone on too long and it has brought me to a level that my brain just can't handle anymore. I need someone to look at me and figure out what can be done. Dr's just say nothing...take it easy...take pain killers...get massage...get acupuncture...use heat...use cold...rest. I've done it all. What more can I do? There has to be someone. Dr. House...SAVE ME!!! ha ha ha ha!

All right. I have to stop this typing. Been keeping off my computer to also aid in the process of rest to my arm. But like, so boooooring!! I need a sunny day...at least I need to feel sunny. Send my woes away.

Felt good to vent...peace! xox