Tuesday, March 19, 2013

To Be Overwhelmed or Not To Be...

You know when there are millions of things in your brain that you must accomplish or tackle or prepare or whatever...those times when you wish your brain could just be silent for a few moments...but it can't...or it won't. Whatever the case may be, it is so easy to get lost in all of that and lose focus and become incredibly overwhelmed. Now, take that brain chaos and add in a little bit of emotional turmoil and there you have the beginnings of what could be a breakdown...mental and emotional. I guess you also have to combine the fast paced world we live in that just keeps spinning out of control...ugh. No wonder people lose their minds and go off the deep end. I am teetering on that diving board right now...and it's freaking me out. (even though I LOVE to swim!)

Life is so crazy...pretty much all of the time. Crazy good, crazy bad, crazy scary, crazy happy, crazy sad, crazy hilarious...you get the point. I love the crazy. I really do. I am sure life would be quite boring without all of that added into the mix. Keeps our minds working and lessons a learnin'. I am not sure yet of the lessons that I am going to learn from these past few and coming months...but it'd better be good! ha ha ha! Seriously. A few times in my life I have had to make some pretty huge life decisions in relationships or work or where I live...and they have all turned out to be the right ones in the long run. As hard and hurty as they may have been to make, they all served their purpose in who I have grown up to be. For instance, leaving Manitoba nearly 14 years ago was an intensely tough move...family and friends to be left behind. But having lived on the West Coast has definitely changed me in ways I feel so blessed about. I broke out of a cocoon and grew my real big purple wings and became more of who Pami always was. Then of course there was the move to the little island in the Pacific Ocean...imagine that...a prairie girl on an island! Oh...this place. It's absolute paradise and allowed me to centre myself being amongst the beauty of nature and the animals and the most precious thing...an amazing community...my West Coast Family. :o) I will be eternally grateful for having lived here.

But it's all going to change...

Five years ago we made the move from Vancouver to Paradise Island. We knew no one...had no job to come to...we had a cabin to rent, and that was where we started. That decision was made for health reasons...my health. I have been suffering for 10 years with chronic pain of overuse in my arm. Wrist and elbow tendinitis, rotator cuff problems, thoracic outlet syndrome, shoulder arthritis and blah blah blah blaaaaah! It's been a struggle, to say the least...but I also am a fighter and a liver (loving life...not an organ), so I maintain sanity...somewhat! ;o) Living in the city became tough for me...there were so many things to do that I could not participate in any longer due to my pain. And I just couldn't ever settle my brain...the city was too much. I slept an average of 3 hours a night for 2 years!! The very first night we slept on Gabriola I was down for 8 hours...only woke up because our friends had came over with us to help with the move. That morning as I woke up and the sun was shining, the birds were chirping (The Towies getting their shriek on) and there was absolute stillness in the air...I knew we were finally home. This was going to be our final resting place. And it just kept getting better and better. Not only is Gabriola a most beautiful paradise of nature and wildlife and sea life...it is a big old family where everyone knows you and loves you (or hates, just like family) and you love them too. I have never felt more at peace with myself and my surroundings since childhood. Gabriola makes my heart feel good...no, it makes my heart feel spectacular beyond belief!! We were set...we are home.

But wouldn't you know it...it's damper here than Vancouver. And that damp seeps through the skin and burrows itself into muscle and bone making you achy and creaky (if you have issues with those things...otherwise you're fine...just cold.). Wah! That simple little fact about the damp is the biggest deal to me. I have become accustomed to this grey, wet weather. It took a few years to not let depression get to me on the dark days of winter. Living on Gabriola has made that way easier than the city. To have the ability, to everyday get out of the house and take a stroll on the beach or in a mossy green forest is supremo good for the soul. And it has made me feel strong and good and it has centred me in ways I never knew possible. Even on rainy days I take the dogs for a walk at the beach and it fills my soul with happiness and peace. But, it tortures my body...physically it just ruins me. And this winter really has been the worst so far. That in itself is a most overwhelming situation in my brain. And now, because of this turmoil to my body, we have made the hardest decision of our lives...so far. We are leaving. :O( waaaah...(oh man...here come the waterworks!) I can't even stand those words as they fall off my lips...leaving. My brain simply can not compute that information. Why oh why would we leave paradise?

To have better health is of the utmost importance to me. To be able to wake up daily and not feel like I can't even get out of bed would feel so amazing. And, well...winters out east are mighty cold, but they are dry. My pain level decreases every time I go east to visit the fam in the winter. And let me tell you...THAT is amazing! To feel more functional is a treat, to say the least. I need more quality of life. WE need more quality of life. What kind of wife am I when  can't even cook meals or be able to keep a clean home (I am anal about cleaning...so watching my house get messy drives me nuts!). I do what I can, when I can...but that ain't the point. (most of the time I do it when I can't because I can't let it get out of control even if my pain is out of control itself. I am always in a catch 22 and it makes me bonkers)  I know that I will still have my problems with pain...but it will be better and that makes this decision to move feel better in the end. So it is what it is. You gotta do what you gotta do. And besides the weather being softer on me...my family is there. I will have their support...which right now, I really miss. Just all aspects of the move make sense. And thankfully we also now have family here, so we will always come back for reunions!! (there is no way I could ever stay away.)

So what is so overwhelming? Hmmmm...let's see here. Like I just said...leaving here really, is the last thing that we want to do. It breaks my heart each and every day these past few months knowing that my time is almost done here. I won't be going to my favourite beaches to play with the dogs and collect beach glass and look in tide pools and find crazy ocean stuff. I won't be walking through dense forests of moss and trees and creeks and deer and birdies. I won't have my daily dose of deer with the momma and her babies visiting me anymore...I will miss that family. I won't be getting into the car and heading to the Village and run into just about everyone I know and love...chat in the dairy section about the "snarl" that we read in that weeks Sounder News. I won't be taken out on a cool party boat filled with my friends and taken out to a quiet Bay of another island to anchor in and party hardy...annoying the people in their cottages too of course. :o) There just are so many "I won't be's" that it is hurting my heart. (I know that Manitoba will be awesome too...I love it there and look forward to life there...it just doesn't make this any easier though.)

That is only the emotional stress...cause oh boy, there is quite a bit of mental stress along with it.
We have a lot of "stuff"...I like stuff. I see cute or pretty little knick knacks in thrift shops or the GIRO and I MUST buy them. Well, I buy the ones that speak to my heart. The ones that give me that nostalgic rush to my heart and soul...those things that I look at that make me smile each and every time. I also always seem to find cool and cheaply priced furniture items...so yeah, I buy those too! But always for a bargain you see...I am cheap! lol Anyways, there is quite a lot of "stuff" to get rid of...selling or giving away...it must be done. We can not take all of our possessions...and that is crazy to me. But...it is also sooooooo good. I have already given away and sold a few things and it really does feel good to purge. I hope to let go of at least 50% of our things...moving it all is just waaaaaay too expensive across the country. :o( It really is a good thing for me to do. If I didn't, I might end up on the show "Hoarders" or something. (my house looks NOTHING like those people's...but you never know, I could go crazier and really stockpile!) And, of course everything that we keep needs to get packed...ugh! There is just SO much to do! (plus, I need to mention that Clint has gone up to Whistler to work to make money to make this move even happen...so I am doing it alone. And that's fine too...it's just a hard time to not have my best friend at my side.)

The last part of this whole process of leaving home to go home that I find overwhelming is that I have to talk about it too much. There is always someone who hasn't heard and runs into me and I have to explain it. Which is fine, really...but each time I need to tell someone why we are leaving paradise and their faces have shocked and quizzical looks wash over them...it hurts my heart. It hurts my heart even more when a person says..."Why would you move to Manitoba? What is there? Do you like mosquitoes and cold weather? It's just flat and ugly there." (usually this will come from someone who has never even been further east than Alberta!!) Even if they honestly feel that in their heart...why the heck would you say that to me??? I am going there for the dry winters that don't take me down 5 notches. I am going to be near family because I need them. And besides all that...Manitoba is freakin' gorgeous! I am from there...it is my home and native land. Why would anyone dog me for going there? Do they think that bashing where I need to go will make me feel happy? It makes me feel pretty upset actually. I really don't want to leave...but it is 150% the right decision...and it's going to be great. I love wherever I live. There is beauty everywhere in the world, if your eyes are open. And I am so looking forward to the lakes, big skies, sunflower fields, festivals, snow activities that have nothing to do with being a skier or snowboarder (2 things I have never done) and being together with my friends and family that I have missed dearly in the past 14 years. 

It's just hard. That is the simplest way to put it. Leaving here is REALLY hard...it's overwhelming to my heart and soul and mind. But we are not leaving forever. The nice thing about the highway system in this country, is that you can get into your vehicle and drive to any destination. And Gabriola will definitely be a common travel destination for us in our future. So, I am just looking to find peace right now in my tumultuous brain and heart. (before I have a nervous breakdown or heart attack!) Guess I'll go for a beach walk now...c'mon doggies! ;o)

1 comment:

  1. my sweet, sensitive sister... i love you so dearly!
    i can't imagine how hard this move will be for you.
    it's hard to leave a beautiful place and beautiful people.
    but knowing you and who you are... i know you'll surround yourself with equally beautiful people... and equally beautiful creation!
    God loves you and i love you...
    and i can't WAIT 'til you're nearer to US!!!! :)
    i know that's very, very selfish... but i love manitoba and i will love it more with YOU and clint in it!!!!!
    just waiting with open arms...
    love you and praying for you!