Saturday, January 8, 2011

In the mood for another rant...

Which is perfectly fine...we are all allowed to blow off some steam. If we didn't take a moment or two to do this...and just pushed everything way down...deep inside the pits of our stomachs...well, that just causes more pain in the end. So, I feel free to spew it out before it gives me heartburn...or diarrhea! lol Sorry about that...but that is what stress can do! And I prefer the verbal kind anyways. ;o)

Had a dream that brought back some feelings of hurt and inadequacy...feelings I am trying to avoid having. Because honestly, I am exactly who I should be. And I am proud of who I am and what I look like (physically) to others. I ain't a bad looking chick! And I certainly would not think that my having one arm would make me any less attractive. Unfortunately, there are those people in this wonderful world of ours that do think that way. I really am nothing but a run off of a horror movie turned real some. That statement may cause a reaction like "As if...Pam you are so pretty. Why would anyone ever think that? Get real. You are being too hard on yourself. You are unique and perfect exactly how you are." I know...right? Wrong. In my life I have been faced with so much judgement and discrimination. I have not gotten jobs because employers didn't believe me when I said that I was competent and strong enough to do a job. And they even gave my one arm as a reason! I suppose I could have opened a whole can of worms and gone to court to fight for my rights...but why would I WANT to work for someone that has those feelings?? I wouldn't. So I let it go. Kind of...those things can still hurt me today when I am in a I feel so sorry for myself mood.

I have been walking down the street and had people stop, stare, point, put their hand over their mouth in shock and to hold the puke in that they would spew all over me from their absolute disgust with the horror in front of their eyes. I've been in "downtown" Whistler walking around and had assholes stand up from their seat on the bar patio they were getting sloshed at and yell to their friends to look at me. How much more embarrassment can a woman take? And do these people think that they are cool when they are pointing out something so trivial??? Clint always says they stare because they can't believe my beauty...ha, very sweet I guess. Wish it were the case. I do believe though that sometimes people may be shocked to see me walking around with confidence, (sometimes false) my head held up high and seemingly enjoying my day. Other times they probably do think that I am a good looking lady...but how can that be when she has a deformity? Well, it ain't a deformity. This is how I was born. No reason why it happened...I just came out of my mommy's tummy this way. And her and my dad thought that I was a perfect baby girl. Why doesn't the rest of the world? Well the rest of the world sees everything through judging and discriminating eyes. If we do not look like the cookie cutter...what gives us the right to breathe the same air? The Dr's documents from after my birth call me a "poor unfortunate baby" or "this deformed little baby". Wowzas! Thank goodness it is not 1974 anymore. I can not imagine they would still write out those same cruel words.

The truth is...we are all unique and beautiful. Brown, blue, hazel, green or mixed coloured eyes. Blonde, red, brunette, black and mixed coloured hair. Brown, black, white, off white, creamy caramel, reddy brown and a bunch of other beautiful colours of skin. We have different accents, different dialects, different languages, different heritages...different everything! And that is the best part of being a human being if you ask me or a million other people just like me. ;o) The trick is we just have to accept one another for EXACTLY who we all are...and it's pretty easy to do.

Just a quick story...when I was 23, one of my best friends got married. At the reception I was chatting with her little 3 year old cousin, Julia, who was also her flower girl. I was talking to her about me being a flower girl too when I was a little girl. It was a nice and sweet conversation we were having. My friend and her Aunt were right there too. Next question out of her mouth was..."What happened to your arm?" Without a hesitation her mother grabbed her arm and tugged her close and scolded her for asking me that and that you NEVER ask someone something about why they look a certain way or whatever. What a shock to me. I have never felt bad about someone asking me. It's a natural question. Here I am...a super outgoing young lady...enjoying my evening and my friends happiness (short lived) and the festivities of a wedding. And now I have been turned into a monster because of some woman's choice to scare her daughter of "different" people. I saw Julia years later when she was 10 years old. When I came in the door the family welcomed me and my friend. Everyone was happy to see was a family BBQ and I was part of the family. I walk into the kitchen to say hello to the people in there. Julia spots me...turns around and runs over to her mom hiding behind her like the Big Bad Wolf just came over to eat her. Are you serious?? That little incident 7 years earlier at wedding transformed Julia into someone now who is scared of anyone who seems to be unique. How sad is that? I decided to ignore it and went to her little sister who gave me a big hug and asked me to play Ring Around the Rosie...which we did. Julia watching from the door way. Man, that was such an awkward situation for me. I was so intensely angry at Julia's mother and ended up saying so in a polite and respectful way.

Children NEED to ask questions...they NEED to understand everything about life and the people we meet. Don't shush your child when they "embarrassingly" ask out loud in the mall..."mommy, where is that lady's arm?"..."mommy, why is that person in a wheelchair?"... "mommy, what is wrong with that persons face?" Let them ask. I would suggest that the person with the one arm or in a wheel chair or with a burnt face will be happy to explain what has happened. It's our story...we should have the right to tell it to all who are curious. As long as it is a pure curiosity and a yearning to understand. Which is all the children want to know. It's learning life and it's okay. And I for one am okay with the question being put forth so that later on in life that same child feels comfortable around me or others, like me that have a physical uniqueness. It's all good.

All rant of the day. I have to stop wrist is going to fall off!! lol
I had to pull out a summer pic...daisies, ocean, my sunshades and me! xox


  1. OK, I'm going to say my little piece here. I've been lurking your blog here & there and I love your insights and honesty. Now I feel compelled to say something honest. Please don't brush me off as a kiss-up.

    When I first got to know you I was a kid, 11ish I think. I was curious about your arm, sure, but I remember being jealous of you and your spunkyness and your popularity among the Pioneer Girls crowd. I also thought your prosthetic arm was way cool. I could never figure out how you could make the hand open & close, ha ha! Later when I was part of the youth group with you I was again impressed by your big personality and intrepid attitude. I always thought you were so fun and cool and confident and a bit of a bad ass in a hilarious, irreverent way.

    I find it crazy that people can still be so ignorant about people who are "different". There simply isn't enough dog poo to leave in flaming bags on deserving people's doorsteps.

    Having kids, I have fielded my share of questions about people, whether they be in a wheelchair or what-have-you. I can't say I always have a great answer but they have (hopefully) learned that everyone is made differently and God loves them all. I only cringe when they audibly comment on an obese person or call a lady a man, awkwaaaard! :-)

    Your blog is terrific. I will continue lurking.

    Audrey (who still cringes when kids comment on her nose)

  2. OK, I just scrolled down your blog a little and remembered another reason I was jealous of you back then, you had a Cabbage Patch doll! Dang! I was probably too old to get one of those when they came out but I still wanted one, ha ha!

  3. Ha! Thanks've always been a sweetheart! :o)
    BTW...we are the same age I believe. I just liked dolls! ha ha ha ha!!!