Sunday, July 3, 2011

Sucka MC

What is a Sucka MC? In my world, (cause I use the word often) it can be good or bad...all depending on the context in which the name is used. I can call you Sucka Sucka MC and it means that you are super cool in that moment to me...something you have done has gotten me excited and giddy and therefore you are definitely a Sucka Sucka MC! I suppose it is all in the tone also...but I can not write my tone. If I were to describe it, I would say that it is a wee bit of a high pitched and so full of hysteria tone that you could only come to the conclusion that I think you are da bomb. (plus my face would be wildly Cartman smile as Clint would call it) And then there are the rare occasions in which I use the term in a negative way...but mostly for myself. Like for instance..."I am just a freakin' Sucka MC". Definition now would be that I have been duped...I am a sucker. And me no likey that!

I am totally gullible...and that's okay. Because gullibility only means that I am trusting of what others are telling me. It can make me look really foolish sometimes...but that is usually because it is done in a fun and taunting what a good friend or hubby would do. Clint plays on my gullibleness ALL of the time...but he does it out of love. ha ha ha! And it doesn't bother me too much. Mostly because now I catch him in his fun lies...I ain't that stoopid! ;o) Nor does Clint think I am...he just likes to have fun with me. It's quite endearing! ha! 

Cute little "white lies" can be funny and do not hurt. But I have fallen victim and find myself STILL at times falling victim to someone taking real advantage of me and my trusting ways. I am a nice person. If you know me you know that I would do anything for my family or friends. I care so much for those that are close to me...I even care about those that are close to the ones that I love. I am a big pile of mushy love. Don't get me wrong...I have my moments of total exacerbation and start spewing to whomever is closest to me how angry I feel about something. I might even say "I am going to blah blah blah...", you know, actually tell someone off or at least show them how hurt and angry I am. I never do. I end up venting it enough so that when my chance for "revenge" comes I generally will take the higher road and act like nothing even happened in the first place. That is something I am currently working on. I am not a door mat. So I shouldn't be trampled all over. And it is okay for me to speak up when I feel stomped...squished like the poor ant that you didn't avoid crushing with your flip flops. It is totally acceptable advise your friend/acquaintance/family member, whatever, that what they said or did to you was hurtful and unacceptable. How else will people learn to treat you right if they can't figure it out for themselves?? Some peeps just need a little more guidance, and this may be because they have always walked all over their friends and such and not a soul has ever said anything against it. Well...I have to. I didn't always...but now I feel I am too old to deal with bags of crap left on my heart. 

As of recently, I feel that a friend of mine thinks I am a sucker...feels like I will just bend over backwards while still doing the "downward dog" and make everything sweet as pie for them...while my back is being bent and twisted and breaking in half. Asking me to go above and beyond something that was previously arranged and settled and accepted...but now I am asked to give so much more. I have nothing more to give yet I find myself doing it because I feel like if I say no I am not a good friend. And I still have not gotten what I was promised over a month ago. It's really hard and I am at my wit's end just keeping my mouth shut and trying to be patient. But I am finding that my patience is wearing super silky thread thin. I don't know whether it's the fact that I have always wanted to please everyone so that they all will like me...or am I really just a plain old Sucka MC! I do know that there are many men and women that go through the same thing as I have. It's called low self esteem. And as teenagers, all of us have gone through moments of self doubt, feelings of self loath and desperation to just "fit in". Even the "popular" girls/boys had feelings of inadequacy. That's why those of us that were not in the highly popular crowd couldn't stand those kids...cause they were at times really mean and playing with major holier than thou attitudes. Yet they were also wanting everyone to like them and accept them...they too had low self esteem. It's called teenage angst! Not to say that I had it worse...but sometimes I feel like it was compounded in my life. Imagine being the shy and scared kid hoping to fit in with everyone else...but you are so completely visibly different than everyone least the mirror tell you so. Of course we are different...being the same would be soooo boring! Even now, I can actually look in the mirror these days and say "I am beautiful" (this is important to do...for everyone. love're perfect!) and really believe it. But I still have moments where I want to hide behind someone or something because I just don't feel good enough, pretty enough...normal enough. As I ponder on why I still have these feelings I can see that it is not from me...but from others. Other people's funny looks and stares are what can trigger my low self esteem. But that is their issue, not mine. I am fine...if they have a problem they should deal with it. I need not change anything about myself. So with this new found strength I should also be able to stand up for myself when feeling taken advantage of. I started last night...whimpily, by writing an email to the person who I feel is currently taking me for a ride. I don't like twisty, turny stomach churny rides. So I am getting off! I still think it can be done in a nice way but still firm in my position of "Do NOT take advantage of me!" 
I practiced my attack a few years ago on Clint...I may go easier on real offenders! ;o) (thank you Kenny Cade for this funny photo!)
"I am a Sucka MC yo!" Cool to the core. And that is cool to me. Peace out! xox

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