Saturday, April 23, 2011

Just cuz I can't have one...

Or rather, I should say...because at the MOMENT I do not have one of my own...yet. I can have one of my own if all of the stars would just align properly in order for it to actually work out for me...and Clint. I'm speaking of course of a wee one...a baby that we create together as a team of love and preciousness.It would be THE ultimate dream come true in my world. But, I will no longer be a slave to that thought...spending each month counting the number of days since my last period...getting nearer to the day the next one is due and hoping with all my soul & mind that there is a baby brewing in there. And each month, like clockwork (which I suppose is a good thing) the cramps start and so does the sadness. I have had to let go of those feelings of sadness...and that was not an easy process. And it's not like I have even mastered the ability to not feel a little sadness each month. But I have learned to be completely okay with it because that is life. We as humans have no power over when we are able to play the creation game or when we are not. So many woman and girls get preggers when they least expect it or even want it. That is something then that they have to deal with in their own life. And they go through a million emotions just like me. Life does not always happen the way we plan or desire or even need. You really just have to take the good with the bad and accept it as it comes. As sucky as that may be...acceptance actually is allowance...allowance for us to just be. And just being...well, it's quite awesome. I feel pretty good just being..and going with it. Day by day man. Keep on keeping on.

The baby thing...I used to let it really get to me as I have spoken of already. I let my inability to get preggers take over my brain. When my sister or sister-in-law or even friends would call me in glee to announce their joyous news of pregnancy, I could drown in a deep abyss of tears and sorrow for myself. Congratulating someone on their exciting news yet feel my poor heart crumpling up in my chest. When my good friend Taryn called me to share in the delight that she was pregnant, I was jealous and then foolishly and egoically thought that she was trying to make me jealous by telling me this. That is how messed up I allowed my brain to become over babies and not getting preggers. I went through all sorts of uncomfortable exams and tests just to prove all is fine in my body and everything is in working order to be able to become pregnant. It just never happens. But, finally last summer I did get pregnant...only to find out it was an ectopic pregnancy and would have to be dissolved. Wah!! For real??? As intense and emotionally and physically draining as that whole situation was, I was able to take it in stride. Even kept a smile on my face and cheer in my heart. If that had happened a year earlier I may have had an emotional and mental breakdown...for real. Instead, I took it as a beautiful sign that we can in fact get works!! We work!! :o) Maybe it will even happen again and that would be rad...and maybe it won't. And that is fine too. I have many wonderful little ones in my life through my friends and family. I am an awesome Auntie to all. In fact...Clint and I spent a couple hours on Tuesday while in Vancouver with the sweet Hanna Panda! Taryn and Syx's adorable little girl. She's already gonna be 2...May 10th! My they grow so fast. ;o) Anyways...we had a fun time with the little sugar bugar. And she is so head over heels for Maggie! So, walking to the parks and playing was quite a sweet adventure.

Sweet "Old Lady" Maggie May early (for her) Tuesday morning...and Hanna is rip roarin' ready to party down at the park. C'mon Maggie, you know you will have a super fun time!! Wheeeee!! (it is really cute when Hanna refers to Maggie as "oad lady" hee hee)

All we are on the big play equipment. Hanna is totally stoked that Maggie is going to come down the slide with her...
"Ummmm...yeah Hanna" Maggie thinks to herself...I'll meet you down there! hee hee. Unfortunately for Hanna, Maggie does not follow, the fun is all yours cutie! I think Maggie is just going to watch you slide down on your own. But wouldn't it be a total blast if Maggie DID slide down with you?? :o)
Back down the stairs she goes. Sorry sweetie pie..."Ooold Lady" Maggie is just not into it. But that doesn't mean you still can't have fun and be a little monkey. :o) Get back up here and show me the super cool trick you do!

 Ahhhh...the freedom you feel when hanging high in the air. Such a big girl! Oh are so much fun to be around. Thanks for letting us take you to park to enjoy a sweet spring day in the city. You made the day super extra special! xoxo
I am blessed by the children around me. Keep popping out the little peeps! Our world needs more happiness...and children are pure bliss! :o)

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