Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Love is stronger than kevlar...if you want it to be.

My whole life I have admired the love that, I can actually see, that my parents have for one another. They don't even have to say much...but the love is there...and it's strong, like bull. ;o) (they have been married for 40.5 years!) I have always wanted that kind of love. But I usually was looking in the wrong places...yes, I know it's already been made into a song. lol I pretty much always dated total egotistic assholes or guys that are just looking for something "at the moment". I so easily "fell in love" in my youth. I mean, for real, I must have had at least 3 SERIOUS crushes on boys. I was a fan of the boys...my mom always said "don't chase boys...they will run away"! I was known for being a chaser. A quiet chaser. I had a massive crush on my brother's good friend David Konitz...for years! Everyone knew it...even him. Yikes! I even sent him a secret admirer rose 3 years in a row for Valentine's. Oh poor pathetic Pami! I thought that maybe one day he would crack and ask me out. It NEVER happened. But it's okay now...when I look back I see that I wouldn't even have had much in common with him on a personal basis. Two incredibly different people we are. But I just thought he was the hottest guy around...well, him and Paul Boge and Martin Kramer. My two other MAJOR crushes in my teens. hee hee hee

I met my first husband (yes, I am a divorcee) when I was 20 years old. I thought he was cute and fun and different, then he said he loved me in the very first week. Me and my super low self esteem took this as a huge proclamation of true love. No boyfriend had ever said that to me before. In fact when my BF of grade 12, (Ryan Cancilla you heart breaker...ha ha ha!) told me he was breaking up with me because I was just not intellectual enough for him...I believed that was it for me. I will never find true love again. So when Jody professed his love to me after only one week of knowing me, and subsequently we moved in together 2 weeks later...ay yi yi!...I thought "This is it! Love has found me"! First week living together our coffee table went flying and then smashing into the wall. He lost a game of scrabble and was clearly upset by it. Two years later I foolishly married him after many, many outbursts just like the first one. Ack! two and a half years of marriage and I HAD to get the heck out of there. My spirit and soul was diminished to absolutely nothing. I left him to be with someone else who had shown me what I thought was true love...he respected me and treated me so good. So, I made the move out of our home and moved to BC to get away from all of my pain...running away NEVER helps. Deal with your problems is my motto now a days.

Anyways...I had met Clint the same day I met Jody. We had become super close throughout the years...he was one of my best friends. He also ended up moving to BC a year and a half after me with his wife at the time...also a friend of mine. But they split shortly after. About 8 months after that...Clint and I got together. Both of us had been in and suffered through abusive marriages. So we both carried some mega heavy baggage...that neither of us really dealt with. Love can heal all wounds, but you have to work on things...not just push them aside.

I did some hurting on Clint in our relationship because of this crappy "baggage". Well, the baggage was a catalyst to me sort of giving up when things were getting tough. I sure learned some amazing lessons...but I guess the best lessons are learned by the mistakes we make. So it's all good in the end. At least it will be for us. We have kicked our own butts in gear and figured our stuff out. Massive self help and counseling seems to be good for so many reasons. I feel happier and more fulfilled than I ever have in my life. And we are doing good. I am excited for the future. Last year was tough...this year is starting off great. I love my husband with all of my heart.

The reason I started to write about love is because I was going through "My Documents" searching for something I needed and came across something I wrote to Clint in the depths of our turmoil. And I am so happy I found it. I am so happy I found Clint and that we are together forever. He's my rock and I am his. Here's what I wrote...

I have cried like a million tears
It still is not enough…not enough
To drive away the sorrow and pain
The sorrow and pain that I have
Inflicted upon you…like some cancer
That comes out of no where…no sign…
No prompting…one day you are told you
Have 3 weeks to live…the cancer has eaten
All of your insides…that is what I did…
I WAS cancer…of the human kind.
I will save my tears and wash myself with them.
I want to be clean again…resurrected from the
Grave I have buried myself in.
I will free myself whilst I take care of you.         
YOU are the one I cry for.
YOU are the one I die for.
It is YOU I will save from the pain…from death.
Let me be your saviour once again…I have been
To the depths of selfishness and self destruction.
I have seen the light.
It was so tiny…hard to see.
It blinds me now with regret and pain…but,
My eyes are wide open.
I will shine for you my dear.
Sparkle like the noonday sun on the calm water.
I am your peace…if you let me be.
Let us walk together again.
I will hold you high…your feet will not get wet…
Unless we BOTH decide that getting wet is what
We want to do. Jump in the ocean and refresh
Our entwined souls.
Forever, I love…

(this is indeed a quite personal and from the heart writing...to my love. But after coming across it today since I wrote it December/09...I was moved by all of my emotion and absolute pure love that I obviously have for Clint. I think it's beautiful and I wanted to share the raw and unadulterated feelings.)

I love you Clinton Lee!! You are my everything. xoxoxoxoxoxo